Words crowded on my tongue.
Promises and commitments that I wanted so much to give to him.
But the bailiff pushed Gil forward, breaking our connection, ending the time we had.
“I’ll come visit you.” I walked with him on the opposite side of the rail, getting caught up in journalists and tape recorders shoved in Gil’s direction.
He smiled softly. “I don’t expect it.” He held my eyes as the guard opened a side door and ushered him through. “Be happy, O. Find a new dream and forget me.”
The door shut.
Gil was gone.
Chapter Thirty-One
______________________________
Olin
MY APARTMENT WAS terrifyingly lonely.
After having Gil and Olive share it, after being painted and made love to, after all the sleepless nights thinking about him, the walls were ever more depressing. The sparse furnishing and lack of home—the aching loneliness...everything was a disease.
A disease I couldn’t suffer anymore.
It hurt.
It stung.
I can’t stay here.
All I could think about was Gil locked up for five years, his hardship of figuring out how to pay such a massive fine, and the knowledge that even when he was released, his punishment wasn’t over.
I was being so selfish. So what if my flat made me claustrophobic with the need to run? Gil didn’t have the luxury of his own place anymore and he couldn’t run, no matter how much he wanted to.
God.
I hugged myself, unable to stop thinking about Gil in prison. Gil being shoved into inmate population. Gil dying inside a cell.
What about his art?
What about his need to create?
What about Olive?
I...I can’t do this.
I needed to leave.
Immediately.
Grabbing my handbag, I swept out of my flat in the same cream blouse and black skirt I’d worn to court. Fighting tears, I summoned an Uber to take me to Justin’s.
He answered the door before I could even knock, yanking me into his arms, his nose buried in my hair, his body tight and tall. “You holding up okay?”
I nodded, breathing him in, finding some resemblance of strength. “How’s Olive?”
Pulling away, Justin closed the door and led me into his minimalist bachelor pad. The two-bedroom apartment had epic views over the Birmingham business district and the twinkling lights looked too merry for my liking.
Apart from the colouring pencils on his breakfast bar and a small purple hoodie thrown on his couch, it still looked like he lived alone.
Now, he lived with a little girl.
A little girl he was godfather to for a friend serving time for murder.
“She’s about as expected.” He cocked his head to the spare room which had become hers.
“Do you mind if I see her?”
“Not at all.” He let his arm slip from around my shoulders. “She’d love that. She’s learned to trust me but she still doesn’t like living alone with me. She’s going to take it hard. If I’m honest, I’m kind of terrified that I’m going to set her back. That I should find a good therapist so she has someone she can talk to when it all becomes too much.”
I didn’t really have an answer for that. “You’re already doing a great job, Justin. You’ve got this.”
“Not so sure about that.” He squeezed the back of his neck. “Go on. Go see her.”
Giving him a slight smile, I headed down the corridor and knocked on Olive’s door. “Olive, it’s me? Can I come in?”
Her tears were my answer.
I turned the handle and entered. Moving swiftly to her bed, I sat beside her as she cried with her face buried into a pillow. My hand rested between her tiny shoulder blades, rubbing soft circles. “It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”
She didn’t look up, just cried harder. “How? Daddy’s in prison. You’re going away. And Justin works all the time, and I don’t like the babysitter.” Her cheeks glowed red as she looked up, anger and agony in her grey gaze. “I don’t want this. I want to go home with Dad. I want him to come home with me. I miss him.” Her tears became sobs as I pulled her into my arms. “I miss him sooooo much. How much longer do we have to live apart?”
I rocked her, kissing the top of her head. “Not long. Once this is over, you’ll both be free to live the rest of your life together if you want.”
Olive sniffed. “But five years is forever.”
It is.
It’s so, so long.
“It will go by fast if you stay busy.” I said that for her benefit but also reminded myself too. “You’re going back to school. You’ll make new friends and learn more skills. And when he’s out, you can paint together all the time. A true family business.”
“But it’s so long.” Her shoulders drooped, more tears splashing. “I don’t think I can do it.”
“You can. You will.” I kissed her head again. “It’s a long time, but Justin is here. He’ll take care of you and you can still see your dad. You can go visit him.”
“Wait...I can?” Her eyes lit up instantly. “Can we go now?”
I didn’t know what prison protocol was but I guessed they’d need him to settle into his new home before visitation. I stroked her glossy hair with a gentle smile. “I’ll find out when you can.”
“Can you come too?” She threw her arms around me, squeezing me tighter than I expected. “Please?”
Justin appeared in the door frame, his lips twisted into a half-smile, his body reclining against the wall.
I held his gaze as I squeezed Olive back. “Of course, I’ll come for however long I’m in town.”
My promise to leave tasted like ash in my mouth.
Could I leave?
Where would I go?
Why would I go when this poor little girl needed care?
She has Justin.
Gil set you free.
You have to leave.
If I stood any chance of finding who I truly was, I had to open my wings.
But...
What if I don’t want to fly away? What if what I want is right here?
“I don’t want you to go. All the people I love leave me.” Olive pulled away, her face deadly serious and determined even as crystal tears rained. “Move in with us. Don’t go away. Please, please don’t go.”
I froze.
Justin stiffened.
Olive arched her chin, defiant and ready to fight. “I like Justin. He’s way nicer than Uncle Jeffrey, but...I don’t want to be alone without my dad. I liked staying at your place. If you won’t move in here, can I come live with you instead?”
Oh, no.
I tried to apologise silently to Justin over Olive’s head. I didn’t mean to destabilise her new home with him. I didn’t want to ruin their fragile bond.
But Justin shrugged, saying quietly, “There’s plenty of room if you want to join us, O.”
My heart crashed blindly. “But I have an apartment.”
“An apartment where your lease is almost up and you weren’t going to renew it.”
Damn for confiding in him.
“You know I’m planning on travelling.”