“You need time to save and decide where to go. You could save more by moving in here.”
“I wouldn’t live here for free, Justin. I’d pay rent, same as any other place.”
He nodded, appeasing me. “That’s fine. But you have to admit, it makes logical sense.”
I tried to think up another excuse why moving in with Gil’s only friend and his lonely daughter was a bad idea. The truth was, it was a terrible idea because it kept me in Gil’s stratosphere.
Justin seemed to sense my thoughts. “He let you go that night...didn’t he?”
I jerked. “How do you know about that?”
“I didn’t until now.” He sighed. “When I saw him the next morning, he seemed different. Sad, definitely, but relieved too. Relieved that he’d set you free and wouldn’t mess up your life any more than he already had.”
“Isn’t it up to me if I want him to mess it up or not?”
He chuckled. “I suppose.” His eyes glowed with questions. “So...are you? Going to wait for him?” He looked at Olive. “Are you really thinking of putting your life on hold for five years?”
Olive watched us, cheeks glistening, chest heaving from her sobs. But she didn’t interrupt, almost as if she knew this was one of the most important conversations of my life.
Justin was forcing me to answer a question I didn’t know how. Asking me if I would wait for the boy I’d been waiting for my entire existence.
Could I wait?
Should I?
Why would I when there was so much that’d gone wrong between us?
I wanted to move on.
I needed to move on.
I wouldn’t survive five years pining after him.
And yet...
The thought of walking away, of finding him via a job advertisement, then just leaving?
God.
I knew what it was like to miss Gil.
I’d learned that lesson many, many times in the years we’d spent apart.
But that was yet another reason I should go.
Before it was too late.
Because missing him was too painful and living in limbo too great a toll.
I slouched, running my hand through Olive’s hair. “I honestly don’t know.”
He gave me a half-smile. “You don’t have to decide right now. That’s the beauty of this situation. Gil isn’t going anywhere.”
I tried to laugh—to find humour in hardship. Instead, I cuddled Olive close and kissed her crown.
“So...?” Olive blinked. “Are you staying? You can move into my room with me. Can’t she, Justin?” She looked at her godfather.
“She could.” He nodded. “But she can also have my room, and I can take the couch.”
I scowled. “I’m not kicking you out of your bedroom, Justin.”
“Ah, so you are thinking about it?”
I shrugged again. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“But you haven’t made any decisions on flying away yet.”
“No...I’ve been looking at flights, but every time I go to book, something happens.”
He chuckled quietly. “Could be a sign that you’re meant to stay here.”
“And here is just as complicated as there.”
He sighed. “Isn’t that the bitch.”
I placed my hands over Olive’s dainty ears. “Language, Mr. Miller.”
Olive smiled through her sadness. “Dad swears far worse than that. I know all the swear words. Uncle Jeffrey said a lot of them too.”
I tried to be stern. “Well, just because you know them doesn’t mean you can use them.”
“I know.” She pouted, plucking at the comforter. “I miss Dad. Are you sure we can’t go see him yet?”
“In a few days, pipsqueak,” Justin said gently. “They’ll need time to settle him into his new home.”
“It’s not a home. It’s a jail.” Her eyes flashed. “He should be here, with me.”
“He should.” Justin came in, squatting to his haunches by the bed and staring up at Olive. “But you know why he had to go away. We talked about it last night, remember? He stopped Uncle Jeffrey from doing bad things to other girls. He did the right thing by stopping him, but the rules of society means he has to pay for taking the law into his own hands.”
“That’s just stupid.” Olive stuck out her bottom lip. “He should be given a gold sticker like they used to at school when you did good things.”
I smiled, hugging her close. “How about we give him a gold sticker when we visit him.”
“Can we?” She turned in my arms, her grey gaze so intelligent and fierce. “Can we go together all the time and let him know that we don’t think he’s bad.”
My heart squeezed. “Of course.”
Justin stood, looking down at both of us, his gaze pensive. “Stay at least tonight, O. You’d be doing me a huge favour.” Lowering his voice, he added, “I’m not entirely sure I’m equipped to help if Olive has a panic attack tonight.”
The thought of returning to an empty apartment and my chaotic thoughts was definitely not appealing. But staying would feel like a betrayal to Gil—agreeing to play families with Justin and Olive, all while he rotted in a cell.
Justin was my friend.
Platonic and sweet.
And I liked him.
But I didn’t know if I could live with him.
“Is that a yes?” he asked gently.
I looked away, unable to keep his stare. “It’s a maybe.”
“No.” Tears fell swift, Olive clung to me. Her chest rose and fell, faster and faster, her grief finding her all over again. “Don’t go. Please don’t go.” Her arms were wiry and tight, locking around me.
And I did something stupid.
I let her keep me.
“Hey, don’t cry.” I wriggled a little in her embrace and brushed back her hair.
Her eyes met mine.
My heart pounded.
And I said, “I’ll stay...for a little while.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
______________________________
Olin
“HELLO, GIL.”
Gil stood beside the metal table in the visitation area, his love for me evident in his gaze.
My heart kicked, responded, replied.
It’d been eight days since I’d seen him.
Eight days since I’d listened to his sentencing.
Eight days since I’d come to the realisation that I was still stupidly in love with him and still stupidly unable to make a decision about my life.
I’d been a fool to think I could walk away.
I’d been an idiot to think I could stay.
Limbo was where I’d existed the past few years since my accident, and I couldn’t seem to get free. Especially now that Gil had stolen the final pieces of my soul and became untouchable.
“O...hi.” His voice licked around me with velveteen love. His affection no longer buried beneath ice. He seemed different. He was a ward of the crown, yet...he seemed freer than I’d ever seen. “It’s so nice to see you.”
The urge to hug him was agony.
But we’d been told hugging wasn’t permitted. At least he’d been placed in a low security prison where face-to-face visitation was allowed and not maximum security where glass and phone was the only way to communicate.