His words make it almost impossible for me to breathe. “What?” I croak.
“Yes.” Asa’s hands are now behind his back as he takes another step forward. “Your life has gone through great upheaval and you acted in haste.” His brown eyes are imploring, almost begging me to believe the words he’s saying, no matter how ridiculous they may be. “You didn’t understand what you did.”
He nods, waiting for me to nod with him. All I can do is process his words.
“That’s what happened, right?” he persists.
I am trying to accept that from now on Juliet will be part of Asa’s life. I can’t have him, but yet I know he is my soulmate, and it is crushing. I am going to have to learn how to cope with my pain and pretend I’m okay every time I see Juliet. And now, Asa is asking me to agree with his farfetched explanation for my actions the day of his wedding. I should agree. It gives me the perfect way out of this hole I’ve dug myself into. But to agree would mean more coping. More pretending.
I am so very tired of pretending through life.
Looking Asa straight in the eye, I say, “No.”
His shoulders straighten. “Pardon?”
My blood courses through me. Neither one of us were expecting me to say that. “No. That’s not what happened. I understand what I did, and you’re right, my life has gone through great upheaval.” I pause, taking a deep breath and look Asa straight in the eye. “But I did not act in haste.”
Not a sound is made in my former childhood bedroom. A muscle along Asa’s jawline jumps. I want to say he’s angry at me for speaking the truth, but his brown eyes are alight with something else altogether.
It’s not interest. Asa has never been quite that forthright with his feelings and emotions. No, this is more like curiosity. What Asa doesn’t understand in life, he studies and consumes until he does.
His head tilts to the side.
My heart beats wildly in my chest as I try my hardest to maintain eye contact and let him inspect me. Loudly, I swallow, being in a room alone with him is a very bad idea.
“I should go,” I murmur, and before he can utter a word, I brush past him.
I hurry out of the room, anxious to get away from him, but Asa’s long legs quickly eat the distance between us.
“Wait,” he says as his hand curls around my arm.
Even though my sleeves reach my elbows, a small gasp escapes me. It feels as if I’ve been branded. I whirl around, eyes wide, and at once, Asa lets go. He stays where he’s at, in the middle of the hallway, while I place a hand over the skin he touched and try to will my heartbeat to slow down.
We stare at one another with years of promises said in the dark and laughter in the light between us.
Asa is the first to look away. He pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head. When his eyes open, he appears years older. “I’m tryin’, all right?” he whispers raggedly.
Lowering my hand, I lean in and whisper back, “So am I.”
“So we never speak to one another then? Is that what you prefer?”
God, the very thought … I’d rather walk across hot coals than suffer through a life without him. Isn’t that why I came into the church and said wait? Because I loved and needed him? But now we’re here, and we need to find our way in this new path we’ve created.
“No,” I drag out slowly. “But I prefer nothin’ than our uncomfortable exchange at Madame Bourgeois’ dress shop.” I shake my head, before I continue, “I don’t know how to be around you and Juliet,” I confess.
Asa painfully looks away and nods. “I know, I know.”
Both of us become silent for several moments. I know there’s so much I need to say, but I have no thoughts in my head. Yet, I can’t leave. I don’t want to walk away from Asa. In spite of everything that’s happened and the tension, I want to lean into him, close my eyes, and take a deep breath.
“How are you?” Asa asks, almost desperately. His words float above me before they settle around me. My hands nearly shake from the weight of his question. I could answer in so many ways.
“I have been better.”
Asa’s eyes don’t fill with compassion like most of my family and friends’ do when they look at me. Rather, he regards me with close scrutiny. His brown eyes are astute and sharp. Always have been. He’s the only person who’s ever been able to read into my words and actions with a simple look.
“I was sorry to hear of your— of Oliver’s death. If I could have attended his funeral I-”
I hold a hand up and shake my head. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“Nonetheless, I need to extend my regards.” Those beautiful brown eyes sadly observe me.
I nod and look at the floor. There are years’ worth of words to say, but we can’t say them here in the middle of the hallway. This conversation must come to an end at some point.
Panic fills me, as I realize my time is coming to an end, and with it, my opportunity.
You haven’t asked him about the job!
“Remember when you once told me you’d do anythin’ for me if I asked you to?” I blurt.
I wince at my words. This isn’t how I wanted to introduce the topic of working at the telephone company, but I panicked.
Asa, sensing there’s more to what I’m saying, narrows his eyes. He crosses his arms over his large chest and nods. He takes the barest step forward. “Tell me what you need.”
I take a deep breath, ignoring the way my heart leaps at his words, and say the words I’ve been rehearsing in my head before I lose my courage. “I need a job,” I announce. “I know you work at Southern Bell, and I think I can be a good telephone operator,” I say with more confidence than I possess.
Asa doesn’t outright object like Étienne. Instead, his brows become furrowed. “I don’t understand. Do you need money? If Étienne cannot help you, I will be more than happy-”
I hold a hand up and cut in. “It’s not money I need. I need to keep busy, and I don’t mean a hobby, either,” I quickly say. “A lot has occurred, and I can’t… I can’t…” I stumble through my words, before I settle for the truth, “Asa, I need this.”
More silence from Asa. However, he hasn’t scorned or rejected me. He seems to be pondering my words. “You want me to give you a job at Southern Bell?” he finally asks.
Asa is as ethical as they come. He will not give anything to me, no matter our past. “No. But I was hopin’ for an interview,” I answer truthfully.
As I await his reply, I stand there impatiently.
Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, my heart chants.
Asa repeatedly rubs his jaw as he regards me. “Just an interview?”
I nod. “Just an interview.”
He dips his head. “Very well. Come in and you will have an interview, just like every telephone operator.”
“When?” I ask.
“The next few days work for you?”
I nod. “Yes. Asa, thank you. Thank you so much.” Relief courses through my body and I don’t think when I reach out to hug Asa. It simply happens, as it has so many times before.
Asa’s body stiffens with shock. I begin to pull away, but just as I do, I feel his arms settle around me. The feel of his fingers splayed across my back is like a brand. I take a deep shuddering breath. My eyes close, and my forehead drops to his chest.