My grip around the pencil I was clutching became so tight my knuckles turned white.
She was twenty years old and the men were sniffing around her like bloodhounds. It drove me and her brothers mad for entirely different reasons. I wanted her to myself.
The sound of my pencil snapping in two made the two of them go silent and my thoughts drew to a standstill. Looking at Étienne, I held the broken pencil between us. “I’m afraid I need to borrow a pencil.”
Étienne regarded me as though I’d grown three heads. Reaching into his desk he pulled out a writing utensil and handed it to me. “I’ll do you one better. Here’s a pen.”
I murmured my thanks and turned back to the documents in front of me. In truth, the only thing I was focused on was Nathalie and every word that fell from her mouth. I wouldn’t get any work done while she was so close. Smelling all… Nathalie and laughing so sweetly my breath became stuck in my throat.
Abruptly, I lifted my head and looked at Nat. “Must you have this conversation right now?”
Nat’s head turned in my direction so quickly strands of hair caught on the corner of her mouth. Impatiently, she tugged them away. “Pardon?”
“We’re workin’ and you comin’ in here discussin’ frivolous matters won’t help Étienne further his company.”
Étienne lifted a brow. Nathalie’s doe eyes became even wider, making me feel as though I’d wounded a helpless baby bird.
Shit, shit, shit.
I knew my tone was harsh. My tone was always harsh. But never with Nathalie.
The three of us remained silent. Étienne glared at me for hurting his sister. Nathalie appeared ready to cry at any moment, and I refused to say another word because I didn’t know what else I would say to hurt Nat.
After several unbearable seconds, Nat cleared her throat before she smiled at Étienne. “I should be goin’. I have other matters I must attend to.”
Before he could respond, Nat stepped away from his desk.
“Nat, wait—” Étienne protested.
But Nat continued walking, brushing past me as though I didn’t exist. The door slammed shut behind her with a resounding thud, causing me to wince.
Once again, the room became shrouded in silence. On the whole, I preferred silence above anything else. But this was strained because I knew Étienne wanted answers to my unexpected response to Nat.
“Well,” Étienne stated after several seconds, “that was…severe.”
I gave a brief nod. “I didn’t mean for it be.”
What would Étienne prefer? The truth? I’m a thirty-one-year-old man who found himself distracted and fascinated by the very presence of my best friend’s sister.
I was not a betting man, but something told me the truth would leave me in a world of pain.
Étienne sternly looked at me. “You should apologize.”
I turned my attention to the ledger in my lap. “She will compose herself.”
“She might have difficultly today,” Étienne paused. “This is the anniversary of our parents and Julian’s accident.”
At once, I became frozen. I’d been so focused on work and trying to remain indifferent to Nathalie that I didn’t remember today’s date.
Tossing my ledger onto the desk, I dragged my hands through my hair. “Fuck.” I looked at my best friend and saw him somberly nodding. “Étienne, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t tell me. Tell Nat.”
I looked over my shoulder at the empty doorway. “I don’t think she will want to speak with me.”
“You seem frightened of her. This is Nat. The same girl who tearfully ran back to Belgrave with a bird cupped between her hands because she thought it couldn’t fly and she wanted to care for it.”
“Yes, I recall.”
Years ago, she tended to me when I had a broken foot. She always had an affinity for damaged creatures. I couldn’t disregard her. Especially now that I knew what today was.
I stood and excused myself and went in search of Étienne’s little sister.
Just as Étienne said, I found her at the cemetery.
It was nestled beyond Belgrave with trees here and there. Grass was overgrown, but there was a path from many footsteps back and forth from the house leading to a gate. A black iron fence surrounded the perimeter. Judging from the rust on the gate, the cemetery had been here for quite some time, but the fresh cut grass around the tombstones and fresh flowers laid on gravesites revealed it was frequently visited.
On her knees sat Nat with her face buried in her hands. I gripped the fence and watched as her shoulders gently moved up and down.
I should probably go. I should give her privacy but seeing her like this made me feel even worse about how hard I was on her.
To turn my back on her now, during a broken, vulnerable moment, would be cold and callous of me.
I opened the gate, and when I did, the creaking broke the blissful silence of the outdoors. At once, Nat lifted her head. Her tear-streaked eyes caught me walking into the cemetery.
Sniffling, Nat hastily stood. “What is it that you need, Asa?”
“I came to apologize,” I said as I walked toward her, names and dates of past Lacroix and Livingston relatives were all around me.
Nat wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands. “Apologize?”
“For my behavior in Étienne’s office. I spoke out of turn and that was wrong. Forgive me.”
“There’s nothin’ to forgive.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yes.” She lowered her arms to her sides and gave me a terse smile. “I should head back to the house,” she replied, although she made no move toward Belgrave.
I looked over my shoulder toward the gate and then back at her. Nat stubbornly stayed put. I knew she was waiting for me to go. She was simply too polite to ask me to go away. Even when she was angry, she was kinder than me.
“Remember when I would call you Lady Gouldian?” I asked.
She kept her eyes fixed on the graves in front of her. “Yes, I remember.”
Slowly, I approached. “It seems long ago, but it isn’t.”
Nat took a deep breath. “Eight years.”
When I was only a few steps behind her, I stopped and peered at the gravestones in front of her. It shouldn’t have come as a shock to see she was in front of her parents and Julian’s final resting place, but it was no less painful. I averted my gaze, unable to look at their names.
“I believe you’re right. It’s been eight years,” I continued. “You were unsure and scared of what would happen, but that’s all changin’.” I stared at her beautiful, yet delicate profile. I never once thought her change in life would be my change. It now seemed like a cruel twist of fate where I was forced to watch her grow into this beautiful woman that I would never have. “Soon, you’re gonna be all on your own.”
Suddenly, Nat turned around. “Did Étienne force you to speak with me?” she cut in.
I frowned. “Pardon?”
Patiently, she repeated her question, her chest rising and falling with each word. Tilting my head to the side, I studied her. Her eyes were bright and glassy from crying.