Even so, I don’t have it in me to rip myself out of his arms or move his hand off me. I know once Asa’s awake, he’ll no longer be holding me like this.
I close my eyes before I whisper, “Asa?”
“Hmm?” he murmurs into my hair and pulls me tighter against his warm body.
When the seconds pass and he doesn’t move, I realize he’s more exhausted than I thought. “Asa, it’s Nathalie,” I whisper, this time with greater emphasis.
“Mm. Yes. I know.”
When he still doesn’t move, I realize he has to be dreaming. Finally, I place my hand over his and lift it up, giving me enough space to turn and face him. His amber eyes are drowsy, opening and closing every other second.
“Asa, it’s Nathalie. It’s the day after Rainey and Livingston’s weddin’ and you’re at Belgrave.” I swallow. “In my bed.”
It’s hard to say what makes his eyes flash open. The last three words? Or maybe all of it? It was a lot to process.
Before I can say anything else, Asa sits up straight and throws the covers off him. “Oh, God.”
Grabbing my robe, I watch as he hastily dresses. Our clothing remains strewn about the room, causing him to fling my dress to the side to find his shirt.
“I’m sorry I didn’t-”
Asa whirls to face me. He continues to button his shirt, although he misses one, and he doesn’t seem to notice. All his concentration and fury seem to be on me. “Sorry? Sorry for what? This is my fault.”
He gives up on his shirt and puts on his shoes. Once that’s finished, he gathers the rest of his belongings and walks over to me. His hands settle on my forearms, his touch gentle, yet firm. “Nathalie, I shouldn’t have followed you to your room last night.”
I look him straight in the eye. “Do you regret it?”
Asa seems surprised by my question. He meets my gaze, and says, “I shouldn’t have followed you to your room.”
He answered my question while managing to avoid it all at the same time. Frustrated, I pull away from him, only for Asa to grab back onto me.
“Nathalie, stop.”
“You know what I was askin’.”
“And you know how I feel. You always know how I feel!”
“If I knew you so well, you wouldn’t be married to someone else.”
Asa lets go of me. At once I back away. I close my eyes and try to take a deep breath. I’m angry at myself for what I’ve done. I’m hurt and envious that the man I love is leaving me to go home to his wife. I’m scared this will be the last time I’ll ever have Asa to myself.
“Of course, I don’t regret it!” Asa snaps impatiently. His brows are slashed low as he fiercely looks at me. “You know I need you.”
For once, I want him to say it. Those three words.
I love you.
I know he needs me. But to hear the word love from him is something I’ve craved for years. But I can see the unease in his eyes when the word is mentioned. My Asa believes he doesn’t know how to love, but he does. He loves with his own intensity. But in these vulnerable moments, when Asa can slip away from me so easily, my heart aches to hear the words.
As though Asa can read my thoughts, he links our hands together, his thumb brushing across my knuckles. “I don’t know how to fix this, but I will. All right? I can’t be without you.”
I exhale a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding and nod. Relief swims through my veins. I believe Asa. Because he’s never given me a reason not to. He’s always been there for me. Always been the most reliable, safest person I know.
If he said he would find a way for us to be together, he meant it.
“I hate to do this, but I have to go.”
I nod, and walk toward the door, my hand extended out behind me. “I understand.”
“You know if I could stay I-”
Before he can finish his words, I turn and cut him off. “I understand. Everyone should still be asleep. I’ll show you out.”
He looks down at my attire. “In that?”
“No one will see.” Before Asa can say another word, I grab a hold of his hand and open the door. I look both ways and when I’m certain the hall is clear, I leave the confines of my bedroom with Asa behind me. We hurry down the stairs and just as I expected, the home is quiet after a night of celebration. No one is awake. Except for the servants, of course. Ben stands by the front door. He keeps his gaze fixed forward, as though it is an everyday occurrence for me to smuggle disheveled men out of Belgrave.
I can hear voices coming from the back of the house. It could be Étienne or one of the servants. Either way, I don’t want to linger long enough to find out.
I tug on Asa’s hand. “Hurry,” I hiss.
I nearly jump from the third stair to reach the landing. Ben has the front door open as we begin to approach.
Once Asa’s standing on the porch, my anxiety of being caught eases. It is one less thing to worry about. Rather than going directly to his car, Asa turns to me. Eyes somber and intense. His hand curls around the back of my neck. “We’ll speak soon.” He gives Ben a fleeting glance, and I can tell if Ben wasn’t standing here, he would do more than stand there. Instead, he gently squeezes my neck. The small gesture is more comforting than I realize.
Quickly, I nod. “Of course.”
Asa gives me one last look before he walks down the porch steps. I close the door, and with a sigh, I stand there, staring at the doorknob.
“Um… did Asa Calhoun just sneak out of my home?”
At the sound of Serene’s voice, I freeze in place. I scramble to find the right words and quickly turn around. “Mornin’, Serene!”
“Mornin’,” she repeats with a single raised brow.
“I’m goin’ to change clothes and I’ll meet you downstairs for breakfast.”
“What clothes? You live with Livingston. Hey, maybe you can catch a ride with Asa back into Charleston!”
My shoulders sag; I know I can’t avoid this. Serene saw everything. What I need to focus on now is making sure she doesn’t tell a single soul, especially my brother.
“Do not tell Étienne,” I plead with my hands clasped in front of me.
“Tell me what?” Étienne asks as he walks into the foyer. He’s wearing his glasses and holds a paper between his hands, betraying his last location as his office. The man can’t stop working for a minute.
Serene and I look at one another for entirely different reasons. She wants to tell her husband everything she just saw. I want her to keep it a secret because if he finds out, he will rip Asa from limb to limb. Seconds pass and Serene dips her head before she turns and walks toward Étienne. “Honey… you might want to sit down for this.”
Étienne lowers his paper.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, sweet Lord. She’s going to tell him.
“I spilled coffee all over the dining room rug this morning,” Serene solemnly announces.
Étienne and I raise our brows at the same time. For different reasons though. I’m relieved she didn’t tell the truth. For him, he doesn’t understand the concern for a simple rug.
“I know, I know… I was just as upset as you are,” Serene says.