I would think he felt nothing if he didn’t clear his throat and back away.
I stayed put, in front of Aurora and continued to lovingly pet her, hoping it would calm my racing heart. It just might work if Asa would stop looking at me. Perhaps a tight, enclosed space for us wasn’t the wisest decision. I didn’t think I had taken a proper deep breath since he moved beside me.
Abruptly, I turned to him and blurted, “Do you want to ride with me?”
Something about the way I posed my question made Asa’s eyes flare with heat. I know he was thinking about what happened between us. I know because I was thinking about it. Every minute of the day.
“Yes,” Asa replied, his voice gruff, “I can ride with you.”
I exhaled a shaky breath. “Wonderful. Let’s get the horses ready.”
I avoided the sidesaddle hanging on one of the barn hooks and grabbed an English saddle. If I must, I would ride sidesaddle. But there was nothing better than being astride, free to ride without the proper riding habit. I found the riding skirt restrictive at times. But the breeches that came with the long riding coat? It was nearly as thrilling as the very act of riding itself. When no one was around I would take the opportunity to shed the heavy jacket.
Such as now. I slid my arms out of the finely made jacket and draped it across the gate of Aurora’s stable. Asa’s eyes swept down my body, watching me as I moved around the stable. Blood thrummed beneath my skin, in fear or anticipation of what was to come, I didn’t know.
The two of us prepared the horses, and when they were ready, we gently guided them out of the stables by the reins. As to not get caught, neither one of us lingered long out in the open. We mounted our horses and once Asa was settled, he looked at me. With my reins in hand, I nudged my head toward an indirect path not used by many. “Follow me.”
The trail started out narrow, causing us to go one at a time. When I was younger, Julian first showed me this trail. It was hidden behind the stables, by an underbrush of trees, making you feel you were almost in front of the Belgrave property. The land back here felt more protected, and better hidden. Julian said he liked the trail when he was mad.
“You can run, and run, and run surrounded by these trees. The next thing you know, you’re set free, and it’s nothin’ but the sky and the land all around you. I think it’s heaven, Nattie.”
Every time I took this path, I thought of Julian and wondered if heaven was filled with trails for him to run down.
Asa was silent the entire time. I didn’t offer conversation. For me, this was the most peaceful part of the ride.
I saw the separation of trees up ahead and smiled at what was to come.
The moment we broke through the clearing, I urged Aurora forward and she toke off. It didn’t matter how many times it happened, that first gallop was always thrilling. Aurora’s hooves beat against the ground, the rhythm creating a harmonic sound. My hair escaped from its low bun. Tendrils flew all around me, but the feel of the wind through my hair made me want to go even faster, and I was about to, when I heard, “Nathalie! Stop!”
I pulled on Aurora’s reins and she slowed. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Asa approaching. A thunderous expression on his face.
“What was that?” he called out.
I couldn’t stop myself from the laugh that escaped me. I was still too exhilarated from how fast I was able to go. “It was a race,” I replied as I slid off Aurora. I let go of the reins, knowing she wouldn’t stray far.
When I turned, Asa’s eyes blazed with anger as he approached. “You could have fallen!”
“But I didn’t because I knew what I was doin’. I’ve ridden Aurora for years. I wasn’t in danger.”
Before I could tell him there was nothing to be worried about, he reached out and held my chin between his fingers. Still trying to catch my breath, I tilted my head back and watched him. Every second I stood there, gathering my bearings, I realized I might have pushed Asa too far.
He never treated me less than. It was so easy to forget the age gap between us. But it was there, nonetheless. And right now, as Asa stared down at me with eyes of a man on the brink of losing control, our age difference couldn’t have been more apparent.
“You’ve known me your entire life. Are you in danger right now?”
If he asked me the question two minutes ago, I would’ve said no. But now I wasn’t so sure. I felt almost trapped, unsure of what to do next.
His grip on my chin didn’t loosen. I couldn’t slip away if I wanted to.
“Nathalie?” Asa prodded, arching his dark brow. “Are you in danger?”
Those light brown eyes remained fixed on me, as he continued to inspect me with the single-minded focus he always did. And then his lips came down on mine.
I knew I had made a grave mistake by the intensity of his kiss. It was brutal and driven by passion. There was no gradual build to mouths shyly opening, but a primal meeting of lips, teeth, and tongue.
I was just as unprepared by this kiss as I was by the one before, but that didn’t stop me from responding. My fingers gripped his arms, tracing the curves of his biceps. When my hands moved back up his chest, to link around his neck, Asa held me tighter, his hands wrapping around my waist. There was no space between us. Against my stomach, I could feel how hard he was. I didn’t know what I needed or wanted. What I did know was desire continued to burn inside me, and every time I was with Asa, it fed the flames.
I wanted to see what else Asa could give and show me. I wanted everything.
As Asa’s mouth moved against mine, I experimented and sucked on his tongue. The action pulled a throaty groan from his throat.
Suddenly, Asa pushed me away. He held me at arm’s length and breathing deeply through his nose, he stared at me with something close to confusion. I looked right back at him, raising a shaking hand to my lips.
He lowered his hands and cleared his throat. “I didn’t come here for this.”
“Why did you come? To scold me on my ridin’?”
He frowned. Asa couldn’t help himself. Frowning came naturally. His eyes drifted to my lips and stayed. “No…” His words faded as his eyes burned hot. Abruptly, he shook his head with a start and focused on the tree behind me. “No. I came to tell you we can’t be alone.”
“I believe that could’ve been said through a letter if you didn’t want to see me.”
“If I was a coward, yes.”
I smiled at his curt tone. I loved when he spoke so honestly. It was rather refreshing. But in this situation, I didn’t believe him. His actions didn’t align with his words.
You didn’t kiss someone you didn’t want to be alone with.
I didn’t know how to express my thoughts properly, and I knew positively nothing about men. Not that that would help with Asa. He was as complex as they came.
I just wanted to be alone with him for as long as I could. But I couldn’t make Asa accept the feelings he was stubbornly fighting. That was up to him.
So I acquiesced. “Very well. We can no longer be alone.”
Asa appeared stunned that I agreed so quickly. Did he want me to fight him? I didn’t understand this man. He was unhappy if we were secretive, yet he was equally upset if I agreed we shouldn’t be together.
“We will never be alone together, and we will never kiss or touch again,” I declared. “Never.”