“That sounds about right. What the hell happened between you two?”
I shook my head. “I have no fucking clue. It wasn’t that bad when we were together. And she wasn’t a mean person. But, apparently, she hid it pretty deep beneath all her layers. I didn’t see that.”
Elise shook her head. “I think she just put you into a nice little box so she didn’t get hurt, then made you stay there, even if she was the one lashing out. But hell, that was weird.”
“I don’t know,” I said, blushing, hating myself just a little. “You know, people can fall in love when they’re twenty, but they don’t know what they want with the rest of their lives. Still, they found their person. For me? I feel like you need to fall in love with yourself first. Figure out who you are before you can find who you connect with.”
She blinked at me, and I wasn’t even aware I had said the words aloud. “That’s very deep. And I agree with you.”
I shrugged. “Or maybe she and I just weren’t right for each other. I don’t know. I’m still learning about this whole school thing. This whole relationship thing.” I winced, looking down at her. “Sorry. Like I said, I’m not good at this.”
“I’m not either. But I think we’re both better at it than anything she just threw at us.”
That made me laugh. “I sure hope so. Because, hell, I didn’t realize I was a launching pad for the rest of her life. I swear I’m not a douche. I don’t sleep around. I didn’t before her, and I’m not going to start now.”
“I get it,” Elise whispered.
I was exhausted and a little annoyed. I hadn’t realized that Mandy had seen me in that way, and I was irritated with myself for not even standing up for myself or Elise. Elise seemed to understand since Mandy had spoken so quickly and had dashed away before we even had a chance to respond. But it still felt weird.
The rest of the party died down early, but it only made sense. We were in the middle of the semester, and most people had papers or exams coming up.
In the end, only my roommates, Elise, Mackenzie, and I had stayed. Even Elise’s roommates had left, saying they needed to work on papers and other things. I didn’t know if that was true, but seeing Pacey so forlorn and awkward about it was odd. I ignored it. It was what I was good at—at least for now. I needed to focus on Elise. Not Mandy, not my roommates’ drama, not anything else. Elise.
And that wasn’t even right. I had told myself that I needed to focus on work and school, and now Elise came first. Or maybe it was all just blending together.
Jesus, I needed a drink, or to go to sleep and stop wallowing. I wasn’t a wallower, yet here I was, muddled in my thoughts.
“Is everything okay?” Mackenzie asked, then sighed as I looked up at her. She had a large trash bag and was cleaning up. “Sorry that I’m just stepping in and cleaning. I figured I could help. I’m staying the night,” she said, blushing. “And I’m not good with messes. Is this okay?”
I laughed and held up my empty trash bag. “I need to start cleaning up, as well, so you’re not alone. Thank you, though.”
“It’s no problem. But really, are you okay?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, just a long night.”
“I can see that. I saw Mandy here.” She winced. “Sorry. I try not to judge people, but sometimes she can be catty when she’s trying to pretend that she’s okay.”
Elise walked up then and started to help me stuff garbage into the bags. “What do you mean?” she asked.
“Yeah. You think she’s hurting? Did I do something?” I asked, afraid that that was the case.
“No,” Mackenzie said. “I don’t think she and Jeff are doing as well as she’d like us to think,” she said. “And now it sounds like I’m gossiping, and I’m not a gossiper. I just happen to know things.”
“Is it gossip when you’re just trying to explain why she was so rude to us?” Elise asked, and I nodded.
“Yes, what she said.”
Mackenzie sighed. “I guess you’re right. Anyway, I don’t think their relationship is going too great. And because of that, she’s trying to prove to herself that she ended the relationship with you for a reason other than her just being cruel and thinking that she needed to.”
“I don’t know her as well as I used to since we aren’t in the same circles anymore.” Mackenzie looked at me. “She wasn’t thrilled that I’ve stayed with Sanders as long as I have. I mean, I’m happy. I don’t need to keep bouncing around from guy to guy to find that happiness. She’s welcome to, but sometimes she hurts people along the way.”
“Yeah, she does,” I said dryly. “And it’s starting to make me feel like I’m a pushover, and that’s not what I am.”
“Of course, you’re not,” Elise said, frowning. “You knew what you wanted, and that’s fine. She’s just trying to rewrite history, and that’s not the way things work.”
“I don’t know. But I’m kind of done letting her take up real estate in my head. You know?”
“Exactly,” Mackenzie said.
“What are you all talking about in here?” Sanders asked, strutting in. He had a beer in his hand and handed another to me. I accepted it, even if I hadn’t been sure I wanted one.
“I wasn’t sure what you wanted, Elise, I’m sorry,” Sanders said.
“I’m fine for the night,” Elise said. “But thank you.”
He kissed Mackenzie on the top of her head, and she smiled up at him warmly, pure bliss on her face. The two of them seemed great. They got one another and were happy. It was odd to me to think that you could find happiness so young and make it work. But then again, maybe you could. They had.
I did my best not to look at Elise just then, not with where my thoughts were headed. It would be a little too weird if I did. Not when I was trying to formulate my thoughts.
Mackenzie perked up. “Oh, by the way, if you guys happen to hear of a house looking for roommates, let me know. I’m trying to find an apartment or at least something to live in for the next year. My roommates are all seniors and are graduating. I should’ve been fine, but now they’re changing up the lease where I’m currently living and doubling the rent. It’s a little ridiculous.”
I winced. “That sucks.” I looked up at Sanders, but Mackenzie gave me a slight shake of her head.
I wasn’t going to ask, and I didn’t even know if we were ready to have a woman live with us, but if her living with Sanders wasn’t a good idea, I wasn’t going to step in the middle of that. Plus, it wasn’t even my place.
“If I hear of something, I’ll let you know,” Elise said. “It’s too bad that we only have a four-bedroom,” she said.
“I know. I get along with all of you so well, but I think having five of us in your house might be a little too much.”
Elise laughed. “Sadly, yes. Because then you’d have to have a bunk bed with one of us, and that’s not exactly what we want.”
“So, what are we talking about?” Pacey asked, Tanner and Miles behind him.