“So says the virgin.” She flipped me off, and I let out a sigh. “It just seems like a lot. And…I don’t know how. I think about him too much. Like he’s always the person I want to talk to in the morning, even before you.”
“I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t hurt a bit, but it sounds like a good thing. Dillon hasn’t done anything to upset you, has he?”
I shook my head. “If anything, he should be upset with me since I’ve been pushing him away.”
“Then don’t do that anymore.”
“I don’t know what I want, and that’s a problem.”
“Do you just not want to get hurt, or do you want to focus on school and think Dillon is distracting you from that?”
“I don’t know.”
Corinne stared at me and then shook her head. “I hope you figure it out soon. I love you, you know.”
For some reason, tears started falling down my cheeks then, and I cursed. Corinne was on her knees in a second, sitting down next to me and holding me close. “I love you, too, you idiot.”
“You’re always the sweetest to me.” I sniffed. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I think you need to apologize to yourself. You always let your parents twist you up inside.”
“Only it’s not just them this time,” I said softly.
“Maybe. So, think about what you want, and don’t let yourself or Dillon get in the way of that.” She kissed the top of my head. “I need to meet Mackenzie and Natalie at the coffee shop, but I’ll talk to you soon.”
“What about Nessa?”
“She and Pacey are out studying.” She waggled her brows.
I raised mine. “Really?
“I think it’s just studying, but damn she has a crush on that man.”
“And you don’t?” I teased.
Corinne blushed, something I loved seeing. It was hard to tease her because she had such a thick skin and could tease harder right back.
“I think he’s dreamy, but he’s more of a friend than anything. I like having friends.” My best friend shrugged. “And you’re one of them. But I think Dillon could become one, and not just as the guy you’re sleeping with. Make a decision so I don’t end up getting close and then get hurt. Because it is all about me.”
That made me laugh, and my tears dried up. “Okay, I will think about what I want in life so I can make you happy.”
“That’s all I ask.”
Corinne kissed the top of my head and then headed out.
“Make good choices!” she called out, and I shook my head before standing up and putting my book on the table.
The doorbell rang soon after she left, and I frowned, wondering who it could be. I went to the door, looked through the peephole, and steeled myself.
It seemed I would have to figure out what I wanted sooner rather than later.
I opened the door, and Dillon stood there, his backpack slung over one shoulder, and his hands in his pockets. “Hey,” he said. “Sorry for not calling ahead. I left the library and was passing your house. Thought I’d say hi.”
“Hi,” I said softly and stood awkwardly in front of him. After a moment, I took a step back, realizing that I was just letting him stand on the porch. He walked in.
“Hi,” he said again before he leaned down and brushed a kiss against my lips.
I nearly cried again and figured I must be hormonal or something. I didn’t always cry at the drop of a hat, and I wasn’t a fan of doing so right now.
“Studying?” he asked.
“Yes. Or trying. I lost my book.”
“Was it under your bed?” he asked dryly.
Something twisted inside. I wondered what it could be. How did he know me so well? Maybe we were spending too much time together. Was I taking him away from his future plans? Between his family, work, and studies, I knew he was having trouble catching up in some respects. Not all of his courses had transferred, and he had to work double-time on some things. Was I standing in his way? Or was I just telling myself that so it wouldn’t be so hard when I thought of him standing in my way?
Once again that voice in my head sounded like my mother’s. Not mine. And I hated it.
“Do you mind if I study with you?” he asked, searching my face. “I can leave if you need space, but I figured since we’ve both been so busy recently, we haven’t seen each other that much.”
I winced. “I’m sorry. I have been busy.”
“I get it. You’re working, we have papers, and it’s a little intense. But we haven’t talked or seen each other beyond a passing glance since your dinner with your parents. How did it go?”
I knew he would ask that, so I sighed and gestured for him to come into the living room. I already had a few notebooks out since that’s where I had been studying when I realized I’d lost my book. “It went fine. I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
“They’re forceful in what they want me to be. And I get it. They saw me becoming one person and steered me that way, and I’m not exactly doing what they want.”
“You’re in college, getting a degree, and you have a career plan. I’m not quite sure how that isn’t what they want.”
“But I don’t want to become a heart surgeon, or a family practice doctor, or an oncologist, or anything that my parents set aside for me.”
“And while those are all admirable and tough disciplines, they aren’t the only things that exist.”
“I know that. Yet it doesn’t make things easier when it comes to what my parents see for my future.”
“You can talk to me...”
There was something in his gaze that I couldn’t quite read. And I didn’t understand why I was having such trouble with it.
I would like to tell him...everything. And maybe that was the problem. Perhaps I liked him so much that I was ignoring everything else around me. I wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship or anything that would lead to marriage and babies and a life I didn’t even know I wanted. And it wasn’t that I couldn’t want that. It was more that I didn’t know who I would be next semester, let alone after. And if things got too serious, I didn’t care if I got hurt in the process. That’d be my fault.
But I refuse to hurt Dillon. And everything just hurt too much.
Or maybe I was burying myself in my drama and ignoring the fact that we hadn’t talked about where we were or how serious my feelings were toward him. I was having that meltdown I had so studiously ignored, and I needed to focus.
“You okay?” Dillon asked again.
I smiled brightly. “I’m just fine.”
He tilted his head. Stared at me. “You’re lying. I mean, if you’re not okay, you can tell me that. If I need to go, you can tell me that. I just wish you would talk to me.”
“Dillon...” I began.
He shook his head. “I know we didn’t go into this thinking we would be anything but a fun night together, but that changed a while ago, and we both know it.” He paused. “Maybe it changed a bit too fast.”
My heart raced, and I looked up at him. “What?” I asked, wondering how he could read my thoughts and why it hurt so much.