“I just... I need you to talk to me. I like the sound of your voice. I like listening to you. But you don’t talk.”
“Maybe I don’t want to,” I said, defending myself even though I knew this was my fault.
“And why don’t you?” he asked, his voice icy.
“Because I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to think, okay? I just need to write things down and think about it, and then I’ll be okay. But I can’t do that if you’re here because you always scramble my thoughts, and it’s hard for me to focus.”
He nodded tightly, his eyes going blank. “Fine. Breathe. I understand. When you’re ready, I’ll be here. You need to be ready, I guess.” And then he turned on his heel and left, surprising me.
I hadn’t meant to say what I did because I’d needed to understand what I felt about him first. And honestly, I’d needed to know what he felt about me. And yet, he had left so quickly. He was hurting. Hurting so much more than I had thought possible. And I didn’t know why.
But because I was selfish and self-indulgent, I didn’t ask. I was so worried about my problems that I didn’t even think about his.
He’d left the door open after he walked out, and I wondered why until I looked up and saw Mackenzie in the doorway. “I think I interrupted something,” she said, her eyes wide.
“I just…I think I fucked up,” I said and promptly burst into tears.
Mackenzie ran in, slamming the door behind her, and held me close as I sank to the floor. “It’s nothing you can’t fix. We’re one step away from being teenagers. We’re supposed to be moody. Our brain chemistry is still figuring itself out. It’s okay, just breathe. We’ll find a way to fix this.”
I sniffed and wiped my face. “I don’t know. I’m such a jerk. I can’t focus, and I know it’s not Dillon’s fault. It’s mine. It’s my parents’. But mostly mine. And I’m taking it out on him.”
“Because you trust him and know he can take it.”
“But that’s not fair to him. I screwed up.”
Mackenzie reached for the tissues, and I took the box, wiping my face with one as I pulled a few more out. “I’m such an idiot.”
“You’re right, you are, but we all are sometimes.”
“Really?” I asked, laughing.
“Of course. I’m an idiot all the time when it comes to Sanders. And we’ve known each other since forever. But we talk it out, and we figure things out. Sometimes, it takes a little bit longer than I would like, but we do. You and Dillon just need to talk. And even though they say it’s so easy to have open communication and talk to one another, it’s not. Finding that balance where you can open yourself up and know that you might be hurt but trust the other person not to hurt you? That is the bravest thing you can do. I know school is hard, and I know that you’ve been dealing with your parents, and even though I’m not your roommate, and we’re new to being friends, I understand. You just need to figure things out, and that’s fine. But maybe you should figure things out with Dillon. He’s a good guy. If you don’t know what you want, if you think it’s all too much, then tell him. But make sure that he knows that he’s important, too.”
“I screwed up,” I said, shaking my head.
“Maybe. But he left quite quickly, don’t you think?” she asked.
I narrowed my eyes. “How long were you standing outside the door?
“I realized I was supposed to meet the girls at the coffee shop and not here. As I was pulling out my phone, I kind of heard you guys through the open window. I’m sorry.”
I glared at the window and let out a breath. “I’m sorry for embarrassing you.”
“Oh, you didn’t. But I also didn’t want to leave in case one of you needed me. I know, I mettle. It’s what I do.”
“Sometimes we need that. I like you, Mackenzie.”
She smiled softly. “I like you, too, Elise. Now, go find Dillon. Figure it out and talk with him. I know people say that all the time like it’s easy, and I know it’s not, but you can do it. And, Elise? You’re allowed to have a life. You don’t need to focus on just classes, on only your major. Because you already are, and you’re doing it brilliantly. But you need time to decompress. And between Dillon and us, we can make that happen.”
I let out a breath and nodded. “I should go see him.”
“He’s probably on his way to the boys’ house now. Go.”
She helped me up and wiped my face. “And maybe add a little concealer.”
That made me laugh, and I held her close, wondering how I could rely on so many of my friends so quickly. Maybe I was overwhelmed, but it wasn’t their fault.
I needed to apologize to Dillon and ask why he’d had such pain in his eyes. I had a feeling it had nothing to do with me.
Chapter 15
Dillon
I flung the back door open as I stomped into the house, my hands shaking. Why was I so fucking angry? Elise was allowed to want her space. It wasn’t like I needed to be next to her at all times. But hell, why did I feel like she had punched me in the gut instead of just talking to me?
Pacey stood in the kitchen and frowned as I walked by. “What’s wrong, Connolly?”
“I do not understand women.” I practically snarled the words and did my best to calm down. I didn’t like being on edge, and yet I couldn’t seem to pull myself back from it.
Pacey blinked and took a moment to respond. “I was under the impression, at least according to your brothers, that you understood the complexity that is women. You’re the one who helped them in their relationships. It’s your thing.”
I was tired of that being thrown in my face. How young and naive I’d been when I thought I could help my brothers with the seemingly obvious. “I was wrong. Or maybe I just understand their women. I don’t get anyone that I’m supposed to be with. Not that I know I’m supposed to be with Elise because, according to her, that’s not the case.”
Pacey set down his coffee. “What happened with you two?” He paused. “Wait. When did this occur? I thought you were at the library. Did you stop at her house? Or call her?”
“Why do I feel like you know where all of us are at all times?” I asked, a little concerned.
Pacey waved a hand in the air. “I see all, and I know all. At least that’s what I want you to think.”
Sadly, not even Pacey’s humor could bring me back from the brink of insanity at the moment, so I answered his other question. “I left the library and figured I should stop by since I was close. We haven’t talked much, and…fuck it. I just wanted to see her face. But, apparently, that was too much.”
“What happened?”
I ran my hands over my hair. “I don’t know. One minute I was asking if she wanted to study or sit and talk, and the next, she said everything was too much, and she couldn’t deal with it. That she needed to focus on school and anything but me. I don’t know what the fuck I did wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Pacey said, sighing. “At least, I don’t think you did.”