Blowing out a breath, I thought back to my call with my therapist. He knew what I’d been through, and I’d hoped he could shed some light on what was going on with me. I’d talked to my dad earlier, and he told me I needed to give Stella my past, but I didn’t want to fill her with my darkness.
Dr. Rivera said the same after I explained to him how I was feeling about Stella, but I couldn’t do that to her. He also suggested maybe I wasn’t ready for the situation I’d put myself in with volunteering in a life or death situation. We went over some of the exercises that had helped me in the past, and he said to call him day or night if I needed to talk.
I wasn’t ready to face the reality that doing the one job I wanted to do might set me back. I was no longer able to suppress what happened when Damon died.
Knowing I needed to open up to Stella about my past and worrying she might not want the damaged man inside kept me from calling her. I couldn’t be another man in her life that let her down. First, her father for not accepting the way she looked, and then Brock for using her to make his way through medical school only to cheat on her when she didn’t become pregnant with his child. What kind of man did that? And how could I be another man she let into her heart only to break it with the shattered pieces of me I hid from her?
I knew what I needed to do, but I had to wait until I was face to face with her. This wasn’t something I could say through a text or over the phone. Tomorrow, I would tell her. For now, I’d send her a message letting her know I was safe and I’d see her the next day.
Remy: It was a tough day but I’m at the station house and safe.
Remy: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Stella: Thank you for letting me know.
I can’t wait to see you.
Stella: Good night, Remy.
Remy: Good night.
Closing my eyes, I willed myself to come up with another alternative to deal with the pain that was trapped inside me. All night and day, all I could think about was how I’d thought I was better and not as damaged as I’d been since the moment Damon died. Even now, knowing it wasn’t my fault that he died. The pain of losing him and Tyler all came rushing back after my dream. The only time it went away was when I was working and out risking my life to save others.
Not wanting to be around others when I saw Stella, I took a taxi to Penelope’s condo. My leg bounced the entire way there with nerves about what I was getting ready to do.
The moment Stella opened the door, and she took me in, her eyes filled with tears. “Come in,” she said on a shaky breath as she moved to the side to let me in.
Following her to the couch where we reunited, I sat down and left a couple of feet separating us. I knew if I felt the heat of her body, I would cave and not do what needed to be done.
“You look like shit.”
I knew I did. I’d barely slept the night before, and it been a long and difficult day.
“I guess I look like I feel.”
“What’s going on with you?” She started to move closer but stopped when I held my hand up.
“Please, I need to say this, and I won’t be able to if I can feel your heat or smell your coconut scent.”
“Oh.” She curled up on her end of the couch with her arms wrapped around her knees. “What is it you want to tell me?”
“After the other night, I realized I’m not who I thought I was. There’s so much darkness and pain inside of me just waiting to get out, and I can’t let it infect you the way it has me.”
Her glassy eyes locked on mine. “What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense.”
“I thought we could be together. That we’d...but we can’t. I’m sorry, Stella, but I won’t be another person in your life who tries to ruin the beautiful soul I see shining back at me. I wish your light could cut through my darkness, but no, I’m too damaged.” I swallowed the emotion that formed in my throat. The devastation written on her face as she continued to look at me nearly had me changing my mind, but I knew I’d only ruin her, and I wouldn’t do that to her.
Standing, I moved until I was in front of her and cupped her face in my hands. “Forget about me and find a man who isn’t damaged beyond repair.” Leaning down, I closed my eyes and kissed her soft pouty lips one last time.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Her chin trembled a little more with each word she spoke.
Running my hand along her jaw, I soaked in the way she felt under my touch. “I’m setting you free from the darkness.”
She opened her mouth. Surely a protest on her tongue, but I hushed her with a finger.
“Goodbye, Stella. I wish I could have been what you needed.” Before she could speak or try to talk me out of what I’d done, I left.
The taxi was waiting for me. I didn’t want to go back to the station, but I had nowhere to go. I was alone again. As soon as my time in California was up, I’d go back to my father, who I knew once again would be disappointed in my choice to cut Stella out of my life.
Instead of going inside, I sat out on a bench by the volleyball court and looked up at the stars. It had been months since I’d done that when before it was a nightly occurrence.
I missed the tranquility of it.
As the moon started to head for the horizon, I picked myself up and went inside. What was done was done, and I had to live with it. Even if Stella was the best thing to ever happen to me.
19
Stella
“What do you mean, he broke up with you? I wasn’t gone long enough for him to come into your life and walk right back out. I didn’t even get to meet the jackass,” Lexie growled out as she brushed my matted hair away from my face, reminding me of the time when Remy had done the exact same thing. A new round of tears started.
“Just what I told you,” I cried. “He had a nightmare one night, and after that, he wasn’t the same. The next time I saw him, he ended it. Something about darkness and light.” I hung my head. “I don’t know. It doesn’t make any sense to me.”
I’d run over everything in my head at least a million times since he walked out the door that night over a week ago. I’d tried to text him, but he never responded. Eventually, the messages never even said delivered. I wasn’t sure if he turned off his phone or changed his number to avoid me. Either way, I knew then it was over, and there was nothing I could do about it.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. If you had told me how bad it was, I would have come back sooner.”
Wrapping my arms around my middle, I tried to hold in the aching pain that was permanently etched into my heart. “I couldn’t ask you to skip out on a job because I got my feelings hurt.”
“They’re more than a little hurt, Stella. You’re a wreck.” She scooted closer to me on the couch and wrapped an arm around me. “You could have a least called me. I swear you’ve lost ten pounds while I’ve been gone, and you look like you haven’t slept.” Probably because both were true. Food was unappealing, and sleep rarely found me. When I did sleep, I dreamt of Remy walking out on me over and over again. Reliving it every time my eyes closed had me consuming copious amounts of coffee each day.