“What I need is for you to get in my car and that way I can take us away from here before we’re discovered!”
“Discovered? Who’s going to discover us? I’m telling you that’s an animal crying out like that. It’s probably a raccoon or, heck, even a rabbit. They’re probably in there getting lucky. Animals make crazy sounds when they’re mating.”
“I’ve never heard a rabbit make any noise like that while mating, Mom.”
“Mag—”
“And Terry had pet rabbits. They bopped all day long. Not once did Dr. Pepper let out a blood curdling sound like the one we just heard,” I reason and it’s true. Terry had two rabbits, Dr. Pepper and Dinosaur, which obviously, he named by himself. They’d go at it all day long like… Well, they went at it like rabbits. They did it quietly!
I push my hand through my hair, my gaze fixed on the door, trying to figure out how to make my mother see reason. Since she never has, I come to the sad realization that I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell.
“Maybe the rabbit inside is getting it from Harvey the five-foot rabbit. Only the five-foot isn’t referring to his height,” Mom jokes—at least I think she’s joking.
“Mom, I’m being serious,” I sigh, trying to erase the automatic vision that pops in my head of a rabbit trying to accommodate a huge rabbit from outer space—because that’s the only way this scenario could happen—with a five-foot dick. First, it’s not a pretty picture and second, I may never get it burned out of my brain. “You don’t even know if that’s an animal.”
“Of course it is. Besides, look,” she huffs, pointing toward the door. “The door is open. The poor thing probably wandered inside and can’t find its way out.”
“Well, you’re not going in there,” I announce, deciding to put my foot down.
“Of course, I am.”
“No,” I reinforce, shaking my head. “You are definitely not.”
“Fine, then, I won’t,” she huffs.
“You won’t?” I ask, unable to believe it. “You’re giving in that easily after all of this?”
“Yep. I won’t go in,” she says.
“Thank God. Let’s get out of here,” I exhale, feeling thankful.
“You’re going to go in for me.”
“Uh…Excuse me?”
“You’re going to go in. I’ll stay out here until you declare it’s safe.”
“Mom, has it ever entered your brain that if someone was going to meet you here, they’d be here talking by now?”
“Magnolia, has it ever entered your brain that this is probably a vacation home, and they haven’t got here yet?” She questions simply.
I open my mouth to argue, but then snap it shut. There’s obviously no point in arguing with her. I’m tired, my head is a mess and I feel like my entire world is slipping away. Fuck it. I’ll go inside and see what is making the noise. Admittedly, I’m probably being braver because whatever is crying in there has gotten quieter. But it’s more likely that I’m just tired of arguing.
“Fine. I’ll go in.”
“You will?” My mother asks, sounding shocked. “You have no idea what’s in there, Magnolia.”
If my frustration got any bigger, or my disbelief got any huger, my eyes would pop out and my head would explode. I think it’s probably a close call as it is.
“You’re the one who told me to go in there!” I cry.
“I know dear. Don’t get excited,” she says, patting me on the shoulder. “I’m just proud of you being so brave.”
“Gee thanks, Mom,” I snap.
“Foolish, but brave,” she adds, and I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose.
“God, keep me from murdering my mother. Please?” I mutter my prayer.
“God doesn’t like you when you make a joke out of praying, Magnolia,” Mom chastises.
“I wasn’t joking, Mom,” I snap. Then, I walk toward the cabin.
“Wait! Take this!” Mom says. I turn to see her getting inside the van and she comes back out with a rectangular shaped, black box. She shuffles quickly over to me and hands it over. I look down at it and frown.
It’s a hard box, with gold lettering on the front.
Love Wand
“Love Wand?” I mumble, taking it in my hand and turning it over. “Made with all-natural products. America’s true, number one meat substitute.” Meat substitute? “Mom what the hell is this?” I ask, afraid to open the box and see for myself.
“It’s just a little vibrator I found. It does wonders and it’s fun, too. Jan likes to play with me. You should give it to your Bryant, dear. Plus, if he has trouble getting the job done, it will help to get you there.”
“I… You… I…”
“I mean, you haven’t let him seal the deal in a very long time, so obviously, Bryant is packing a little light. This is just to show you that just because size does matter, you don’t have to settle just because Bryant is lacking.”
“Bryant isn’t lacking,” I snap. “He could put Harvey the five-foot rabbit to shame,” I add, clearly losing my mind as much as my mother has.
“That’s good, dear. Don’t you think you should go in now?”
I think I should throw the box at my mother and leave her here. I don’t do that—probably because I’m an idiot. Instead, I walk onward to the front door of the cabin. I even take the box with me, because at this point, I figure any weapon is better than no weapon.
“I can see the headlines now,” I grumble under my breath. “Respected school principal found murdered and pillaged on an abandoned gravel road, in a creepy cabin filled with rabbits, while clutching a dildo.”
“Hello?” I call out as I open the door—hoping that if I die it’s quick and then hoping they make my mother’s death hurt. Yes, I feel guilty for thinking that.
God, I really am a mess.
17
Bryant
They say if you don’t want to hear anything bad about yourself don’t eavesdrop. I should have probably taken that to heart instead of opening the bathroom window and listening to my mother-in-law and Maggie. I mean, the rabbit part was hilarious. It was damn hard to keep from laughing. But hearing Ida Sue talk about how I was lacking, and Maggie settling was taking it too far. She was delivering a message, and she knew she was because she purposely spoke louder. I almost came outside to defend myself, but Maggie did it for me.
Quickly and vehemently.
She made me smile. God, I love that woman.
“Hello,” I hear Maggie call again.
My heart picks up in my chest, beating so hard I can physically feel it. It’s almost time. I have no idea how Maggie is going to react, but I’m hoping this will work. Maggie and I love each other, and it’s way past time we began building that into something more.
I just need her to cooperate.
I listen as her footsteps move tentatively in the front room.
“Magnolia! I’m just going to start the car up and turn it around in case there are any murdering rabbits in there!” Ida Sue calls out and it’s all I can do to stop myself from laughing. My mother-in-law is a nut.