“You need to figure out what you want,” Emilio said after a long silence. “This is it for me. I can’t just pack up and go if you get a wild hair up your ass and need to get out of River Crest.”
Jude closed his eyes, and he wanted to promise that would never happen, especially because it felt like the truth, but he’d also once felt like his old life was it. That he’d found his purpose, that he was home. Now, it felt like he’d been living out some other man’s reality, and he wasn’t entirely sure who the person was staring back at him in the mirror.
“What’s that look for?” Emilio asked after a minute, and Jude let out a slightly embarrassed laugh.
“I’m a mess,” he admitted. He rested his head back, then looked over at Emilio who looked soft in the morning light filtering through the window. He reached up and dragged the edges of his nails through the man’s short beard, his breath catching when Emilio took him by the wrist and nipped at his fingers. “I thought I’d have everything figured out by now. I didn’t expect to have a crisis of self at this age.”
The nips turned into gentle kisses, moving to his palm, then the inside of his wrist. The biker shifted closer, his other arm reaching over to wind around Jude’s waist, and he held him there. There was still desire, fizzling and cracking between them, but for the first time, Jude didn’t feel the need to push into it. To take. To hurry it along.
“I can’t say I’ll ever know what the fuck I want in life, but I know that I’m home. I know these are my brothers.” He went quiet for a while, then he dragged his thumb over Jude’s bottom lip. “I know I want you here, for as long as you want to stay.”
“For now,” Jude said, closing his eyes and leaning close. “It feels like forever.”
“I can take that,” Emilio said, and it was like a jolt to his system when he realized that Emilio was being completely and entirely honest.
15
They traded lazy hand-jobs, then Emilio threw together some pancakes, which was heavier than Jude liked to eat in the morning, but he’d worked off enough energy to need the carbs and sugar. When he settled on the floor to work on his PT, Emilio wasted no time dropping down next to him, and he followed Jude’s instructions with careful dedication that made his throat a little hot and his sweats a little tight.
He took his reprieve in the shower, palming himself while water pounded against his back, and he determinedly didn’t toss himself off. He needed a clear head, but the more he seemed to indulge how much he wanted this man, the more he seemed caught up in him and only him.
And it was no time to lose his head.
This was a little bubble, and it was going to pop in the next few hours because Emilio’s niece was coming over, and soon after that, Emilio was riding out of town with a few of his brothers to take care of club business. And club business, he knew, meant dealing with the man that had nearly killed all of them.
It meant all of them being put in danger, and even without knowing the details, Jude understood that they were in for a lot of work to protect the people in their club. And that included his brother, which strengthened his resolve not to leave—but it was more than that now he and Emilio had acknowledged feelings for each other.
He let himself have a lie down, resting his knee, and he came to at the sound of a small girl laughing and feet running up and down the halls.
“…please stop yelling, monster. Jude’s trying to sleep.”
“But I wanna say hiiiiiiii,” her voice trailed off as they were clearly ushering her back outside, and eventually the door slammed.
Jude couldn’t help a small grin as he threw his legs over the bed, then reached for his brace. He could move around without the cane easier when his knee was being supported, but he still kept his pace slow as he made his way out of the room and eventually to the back door.
He hadn’t noticed the swing set before, nor had he realized there was a massive garden in the back full of lush plants and fat, ripe vegetables waiting to be harvested. His heart did a sort of thrumming dance against his ribs as his mind once again re-ordered who that man was.
Emilio was with Gunner—who he’d only met a couple of times—and they were standing by a tall tree, Emilio pushing the little girl on a swing. She looked like she couldn’t have been more than five or six, her hair a wild mess of tangled curls—dark like her brother’s. She was laughing, showing off a single missing front tooth, and Jude couldn’t help but grin as he opened the door and took the stairs down.
“Look!” the little girl cried. She began to wriggle in her seat, and Emilio managed to catch her before she flew off. Setting her down, she tore up grass under her strappy sandals as she closed the distance between them. “You don’t look like Eliah. He’s got a bigger belly.”
That startled a laugh out of him, and he lifted his brows. “Is that right?”
She cocked her head to the side. “You kind of…um. You kind of sound the same.”
Jude’s grin widened. “Do we?”
“But he said you was…that um. My friend Amelia at school has a twin named Aria, and they have the same face.”
Jude nodded solemnly. “I’m sure they do, and when Eliah and I were little like you, we looked more alike. But sometimes people change when they grow up.”
“Oh.” She stared another moment, then turned on her heel and raced off just as Emilio and Gunner reached him.
“Jesus, I’m sorry. Everyone told me this mouthy stage was supposed to get better, but I swear she’s getting worse every fuckin’ day,” Gunner muttered.
Jude laughed again and shrugged. “She wasn’t wrong.”
“Yeah, but the last thing I need is for her to tell Eliah he’s got a bigger belly than you to his face,” Gunner muttered.
Jude lifted a brow. “I can tell you with full confidence my brother has never been ashamed of his body or the way it’s different from mine. I think he especially won’t care if it comes from her.”
Gunner seemed to relax, but only a fraction. He glanced over his shoulder at Emilio, then looked back. “So, uh…you’re cool with her here, right?”
Jude waved him off. “I’m not fussed at all. I’m more of the guest anyway.”
“I just…Smokey wants me and Logan to hang out while the guys are gone, and I know she can be a lot.”
Jude couldn’t help but wonder if Gunner always apologized for existing, but he had no place asking him about it. “I’m looking forward to it. Eliah said Logan uses ASL—and I’ve actually taken a few courses after we got some Deaf members of the congregation.”
Gunner stared, then snorted. “I fuckin’ forgot you were a priest.”
“Rabbi,” Emilio was quick to correct with a small growl. “There’s a difference.”
Gunner offered him a vaguely apologetic glance. “Yeah. That. Anyway, that’ll make Logan happy. He fuckin’ hates writing everything down.”
Jude felt a little insecure at his skill, which he knew was subpar, but he wanted to integrate himself into this world. If he really meant to make a go of it—if he meant to follow in his brother’s footsteps and call this place his—he had to have faith in himself.