Her head dipped and her fingers brushed over the back of mine, sandwiching mine. She stared into my eyes and her mouth moved with soundless words, like they were being strangled from her throat. “I don’t know what I want.”
The silence became palpable, so thick I could taste it. It felt like a lance through my heart. I wanted her to choose me. Selfish as it was, I wanted her to say screw it, she wasn’t going to London, and she’d call it all off to be with me.
“I came back.” She clasped her hands together.
“To my apartment. You told me.”
She looked back up at me with tears shimmering in her eyes. “No, before that.” Her voice cracked.
I leaned forward, resting my forearms on my thighs. “What? When?”
A shuddering breath, whispered past her lips. “A month after I left.”
“After you got the guitar.”
Her nostrils flared and she looked down at her hands. “When I sent you the text. I was already back.”
I sucked in a breath. “You were in town.” She had come back, so much sooner than I’d thought—just as I’d begged her to in my mind.
“I was at the hotel. The one you stopped at with Knox’s parents. The one by the beach. I saw you and I sent the messages to you.”
My eyes slammed shut. The final ‘please’ of her message nearly toppled me.
But once Marcie and Dale arrived in town I had an easier time pretending. “It was a bad time for me.”
“You looked so good. So happy. Lighter than I’d seen you the whole time we were together.”
“Knox had spent two days sobering me up and forcing me to sleep. There had been a three-day break in practices, so I’d drowned myself in a bottle, more than a few. I’d felt like I was being fattened up like a Thanksgiving turkey.”
“I-I didn’t know.”
“I know, that was the whole point. I’d already turned their son into my keeper, the least I could do was not add another person to the worry watch list.” I had no illusions about what it was, but I couldn’t slam on the brakes. If anything, I’d cut the lines and was looking for the steepest drop I could find.
“By the time I’d worked up the nerve to respond, I’d realized I had nothing to offer you. Then I finally changed my number to keep the temptation to call you back to me from the new life you’d started.”
Tears glinted in her eyes. “I wanted to come back. I wanted to come back to you.”
“I was a fucking mess, Bay.” I cupped her cheek. “And know now how things worked out, I’d have snapped that phone in half, if it meant you didn’t come back to play nurse maid to me.”
Her eyes glistened. “Six years, Keyton. All I had was the music. It’s what kept me going.”
I brushed at the tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. “We’re here now. We have the rest of our lives to make up for lost time.”
But there was a part of me that wanted to keep her here and safe, keep everyone else away who might upset her or put the look of fear in her eyes. The music had been there for her when she’d thought she’d lost me, but my heart had always belonged to her.
She loved the music, but I didn’t want her throwing up before performances or needing to be medicated to perform.
A knock sliced through the tension like a gasping breath freeing us from the crushing intensity of expectations and impending questions.
I grabbed the pizza and two plates for us.
She refilled our wine glasses and tucked her feet up under her legs on the couch.
“Your life is your life. Whatever you choose and however you want to live it, I want you to know I’m there for you. We’ll make it work. We’ll make us work.” I squeezed her hand to reassure her I wouldn’t be another person who wanted a piece of her without giving all of myself in return.
The conversation was slower. Gears turned in Bay’s head. She was here with me, but also mulling over everything I’d said.
God, I hoped I hadn’t fucked this up royally.
Going to my cabinets, I pulled out her favorite movie snack, Goobers and popcorn. I found the perfect movie. “I know it’s a little early in the year for this, but I figured it’s always time for the perfect Christmas movie.”
She relaxed slowly, and by the time Nakatomi Plaza came into view on the screen, she’d shifted, resting her back against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, but there was a hesitancy, almost like she was waiting for me to spring another bomb on her to rip us apart again.
I’d bide my time and do it the right way this time. I’d give her the time and space she needed, because I couldn’t survive losing her again.
29
Bay
“I have a surprise for you.” He turned off the engine and turned to me in the passenger seat.
The trip across the bridge to New Jersey had been unexpected, but never unwelcome. A short drive, sitting next to Keyton, listening to the radio and singing along to old favorites together was wonderful. Outside the city, where the houses became more spread out and people on the streets were fewer and farther between, it felt safer. Quieter. No overwhelming crowds were ready to emerge on a moment’s notice.
It was almost a cruel joke that we’d found this window of time together right now and one couldn’t be cleared in December to see Piper for her birthday. I’d sent her a message to check in on her, but hadn’t heard back. Maybe Mark had told her I couldn’t make it—again.
Peering out the front window, I looked up at the two-story red brick home nestled on a sprawling lot with trees and hedges around the perimeter of the property.
“Where are we?”
“Come on. You’ll see.” He popped his door open and jumped out.
It felt like everyone had jumped into distraction mode since the attack. They seized any chance to take my mind off it. The police reports had been filed. The social media response continued to be overwhelming. The emotional fallout was lessening, especially when I was near Keyton.
I opened my door. “What kind of surprise?” I asked over the hood of the car.
He rounded the front and brushed right past my question.
The house was a big question mark. Had he bought it? It allayed some of the fear I’d had about him possibly moving to another city. Philly being on the East Coast meant flight connections would be a lot easier.
“We have the whole day cleared.”
“What exactly for?” My fingers walked up his arm to his shoulder, thoughts of why we had even left the bedroom simmering in my head, ready to crank the fire up a notch. However, he worked this out with Holden, and I was game, especially since we had less than a week left until London.
“So many questions. You’re so impatient.” His hiding-something smile sent my stomach into somersaults.
He led me up the stone-paved path lined with knee-high shrubs and fall flowers.
“Whose house is this?” I tugged on his arm.
“A rental for a special occasion.” The smile wasn’t any less mischievous.
A double knock and we waited. For what or who, I had no idea.
The door flew open. My gaze swung from Keyton to the doorway.
They could’ve probably heard the shrill scream from two states away.