Tears fall from my eyes and I get up, yanking my purse from the shelf behind the counter so fast it catches on a hook and knocks down a box of cleaning supplies. I hastily shove them back and race to my car, driving as fast as I can to The Mill House. My heart is beating outside of my chest.
Chase hurt me.
He didn’t mean to, but he did.
Yet that doesn’t mean we need to walk away. We can start again, right? My fingers shake when I get out of the car.
Chase isn’t working tonight, and Corey hasn’t seen him. I go up the stairs, taking two at a time, and knock on the door to the apartment. When Chase doesn’t answer, I try the doorknob, surprised to find it unlocked. Chase always got on me for not locking my doors.
“Chase?” I call and step inside, feeling along the wall for the light. Right away, something is off. The air conditioner isn’t blowing out freezing cold air. “Chase?” I hold my breath, waiting for him to wake up and rush out of the bedroom.
He doesn’t.
I set my purse down on the kitchen table and cross the room, going into the bedroom. The bed is neatly made, and all of Chase’s personal items are gone. I whirl around desperate to find something that proves he’s still here.
Then I see it, leaning up against the large windows in the living room. Chase’s phone. Jake’s phone. My heartbeat echoes in my ears and my hand shakes as I pick it up. I hit the home button, and see there is one missed call and a voicemail. Chase set this up for me to find.
I start to feel sick as I unlock the phone and open the messages. All my old voicemails have been erased, and the only message left is from three hours ago. I don’t recognize the number, but I press play anyway.
“Sierra,” Chase starts. “Hopefully you found the phone and knew to listen. I know you will, as weird as that is. It’s a feeling, I guess. I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. All I ever wanted was for you to have your happy ending, but I’m starting to think you won’t get that with me around. I still love you. I will always love you. I promised you that I would, and I’ve never broken a promise.”
The message ends and I press the phone to my ear, waiting for more. There has to be more. Because if not, then that was goodbye.
“No,” I whisper, and my words turn into sobs. Chase is gone. Moved on to the next town, searching for somewhere to call home. I fall to the ground, crying. I cry and cry until there is nothing left. Until I fall asleep. I wake at dawn, cold and stiff from lying on the ground. I sit up, and movement outside the window catches my eye.
It’s the deer. She’s creeping toward the shallow part of the river for a drink, and she’s not alone. Her baby is close behind, curiously sniffing at the water. I watch them, transfixed, and know seeing them is some sort of sign. I just wish I knew what it meant.
“Hey,” Lisa says and apprehensively steps into my bedroom. She’s holding a coffee and has brought me one every morning as a peace offering. It isn’t working. “Rob told me he was on patrol this morning and saw you leaving Chase’s house wearing the same clothes you had on last night. Does that mean you guys—”
“No,” I snap, and pull the blankets tight around my shoulders. I don’t have to be at work until later this afternoon, though right now I’m not sure I can go at all. Getting out of bed is too much effort. I have no energy. No drive.
“But you were at his house.”
“He wasn’t there.”
“But you…what do you mean?”
I sit up. “I mean he wasn’t fucking there. He’s gone!”
Lisa’s face breaks and I almost feel bad for snapping at her. “He’s coming back, right? He has to.”
“Why would he?” I shake my head. “You all have made it abundantly clear he’s not welcome here and I…I…I pushed him away.”
“No. Don’t you dare blame yourself. Call him. Tell him you miss him and he’ll come back. I promise you, he will.”
“I can’t. He left his phone. The messages are all gone. He left it so I could see he really did delete everything.”
“Sierra,” Lisa says and sets the coffee on my dresser. She climbs into bed and puts her hand on my shoulder. “Let’s not fight. Be mad at me later, okay? I just want to be here for you.”
“Okay,” I say and the anger leaves me, immediately replaced by raw, painful grief. I cry into my pillow, and Lisa tries to soothe me by running her hand over my hair. She wears rings on every finger, and they catch on loose strands, which pull and snap.
“You’re going to be late for work,” I hiccup.
“That’s okay. Being with you is more important.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and steady my breathing. “I’m okay.”
“You’re not, and it’s okay to not be okay, Sierra.”
“I know. And you’re right. I’m okay enough for you to go to work though. You’ve been late enough this summer already.”
“Yeah. Write-ups for being tardy don’t count. If they did, I would have been fired years ago.” Lisa hugs me. “I don’t want you being alone. Maybe we should get your mom or your sister to come over. Even Gran.”
I shake my head. “No. I’ll call Scott. I haven’t talked to him in a while anyway.”
“He’ll try to get you to fly out to Orlando again,” she says with a half-smile.
“Maybe I’ll go.”
Lisa squeezes my arm. “A change of scenery is nice sometimes. Are you sure you’re okay by yourself?”
“Yes. I’m exhausted and want to sleep before I go to work.”
“Okay. I love you, Si. I’m here for you, no matter what.”
I just nod, trying hard not to be mad at her. She didn’t mean to set off the shitstorm, and it all goes back to Chase anyway. It was only a matter of time before I found out.
Lisa leaves, and the cats jump up in the bed, meowing until I get up to feed them. My eyes are swollen and red from crying. I hope a few hours of sleep will give them enough relief. I don’t want anyone to ask me what’s wrong. There’s no way I can keep it together then.
Wednesday night comes and passes with no word from Chase. Josh called, asking me if I’d seen his brother, which makes everything seem so much more definite. Chase is gone.
Scott was working when I called during the day and called me back late Wednesday night. I poured myself a big glass of wine, drinking it fast to give me the courage to tell Scott everything.
And I did. We stayed up until three o’clock talking. I miss my brother. He has this cool calmness to him and is always able to see things rationally without being too cold like Sam. He’s the middle child and is literally the perfect blend between Sam’s uptight personality and my sometimes-over-the-top free-spiritedness.
The moment I told him about the miscarriage, he wanted to get on a plane and come here. I’m still not sure he’s not on a plane right now. Scott didn’t give me infinite wisdom, but just talking about everything made the weight on my shoulders a little lighter.
I fell asleep on the couch around four in the morning, and got up just an hour or so later and dragged myself into my room. Thunder rumbles in the distance, and light rain starts to fall.