“Of course, she’s hurting.”
I run my hand through my hair. “I am too,” I say quietly.
Lisa lets out a snort of laughter. “You did it to her.”
The harshness in her words shocks me. “We did it to each other.”
“You are unbelievable.” She rolls her eyes. “Don’t act like you’re so hurt by something you did for your benefit.”
“It’s not like I meant to get her pregnant, but I certainly didn’t want her to lose it either.” I shake my head. “I’ve met some nasty people in my life, and you’re taking it to a whole new level.”
“What?” The color leaves Lisa’s face.
“You don’t like me. Sierra’s mom doesn’t like me. Judy Henson doesn’t like me. This whole town wishes I would leave. I get it. I fucking get it. But who the fuck are you to say I’m not allowed to be hurt by this? It was my baby too.”
Lisa’s hands go to her chest and she struggles to breathe. “Sierra had a miscarriage? I…I didn’t know. Oh my God.” Her eyes widen and she looks like she might puke. “That’s why you said to wait.”
My heart drops out of my chest. Lisa doesn’t have to say it for me to know: she told Sierra about the messages. That’s what they talked about. Sierra hadn’t told her about the baby. Instead of being allowed to heal, Lisa came in and ripped her heart into even more broken pieces.
I run past Lisa and into the house. “Sierra!” I call, but she doesn’t answer. She’s not in the living room or the kitchen. I check her bedroom. She’s not there. I race to the back porch, but she’s not there either. My head spins and my heart is going to explode. I need to find Sierra. I need to make things right. She’s hurting so fucking bad already.
Sierra isn’t in the house. I stand at the top of the stairs, panic rising in my chest. Where the hell did she go? I whirl around, remembering the hidden room. In a fury of desperation, I go into the closet and move the trapdoor.
Sierra is sitting cross-legged on the ground. Her back is to me and she’s clicking the flashlight on and off.
“Sierra?”
She doesn’t turn around.
“Sierra.” I emerge through the crawlspace and stand, going over to her. I sit on the dusty floor and put my hand on her thigh. She clicks the flashlight off and then on again.
“Lisa told me you have Jake’s old phone. She said all the messages I left him are still there and you listened to them. It sounds too crazy to be true.”
I want to tell her yes, it’s too crazy and Lisa is making up shit, but it’s okay because we have each other. I can delete the voicemails and give her the phone. She’d never know.
But I can’t lie.
“It is true.”
Sierra turns to me, and the hurt and betrayal on her face is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. “I don’t understand.”
“Whoever cleared the memory on his phone didn’t do it properly before selling it,” I slowly explain. “They manually deleted things but forgot to go in and get rid of the messages. I didn’t know it was you at first. Not until you gave me your number that day at the bookstore.”
“But you still listened to them after you knew?”
“I did.” The confession is like a knife to my heart. “I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry.”
The light turns off and when Sierra turns it back on, tears are streaming down her face. “I struggled so much with the guilt I felt about wanting to know about your past. I knew you had been arrested and I told myself it didn’t matter because the person you are right now is all that matters. And you…you knew everything about me. The things I said in those messages…” She shuts the light off again. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to risk hurting you. Or losing you. I love you, Sierra.”
“You haven’t deleted them.”
“No, and I have no good reason for that. I’m so sorry. After I heard the first one I had to keep listening. Your words spoke to me in a way I never thought was possible.”
She clicks on the light. “The words weren’t for you.”
Silence falls between us, and I hear my rapid heartbeat in my ears. “It’s hot up here. Let’s go downstairs and talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she says and her voice breaks. “I figured it out.” Her eyelids shut and a river of tears pour down her cheeks. I reach out to wipe them away and kiss her lips, but she pushes me away.
“I know the reason,” she goes on with a shaky voice. “All of this happened…losing Jake…meeting you…getting pregnant just to lose it…it was to remind me that I’ll never get a happy ending.”
“No. Sierra, no. That’s not true. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. A happy ending. Before I even met you, I wished for you to be happy.”
“You need to go.”
“Don’t say that. Please, Sierra.” My breath catches in my chest. My throat tightens and I think I’m dying. “You don’t mean it.”
“I do.” She closes her eyes and wraps her arms around herself. “I can’t do this, Chase. I trusted you and this whole time you…you had this information on me and kept going like things were normal.”
“I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to tell you. I was going to tell you. Just not now. Not after the loss.”
“I have a hard time believing you. What if we hadn’t lost the baby? Would you have waited until it was born? And then waited again?”
“I…I don’t know. All I know is that I love you more than anything, Sierra.”
“I need some time alone.”
“I’ll go downstairs and wait. I’ll be there, whenever you’re ready.”
“No. Leave. Please. If you love me like you say you do, then go.”
Tears fill my eyes. I’ve never cried in my adult life before. “I do love you.”
“Then go.”
I look down and feel a tear roll down my cheek. I angrily brush it away and go through the crawlspace. I leave the trapdoor open, hoping to get some fresh air inside the hidden room to keep Sierra from getting overheated.
I stand, feeling dizzy. I want to tell myself things will be okay. That Sierra will be upset and mad at me for a while but will understand. I didn’t do anything on purpose to hurt her. Yet the betrayal and invasion of privacy is blatant and I have no excuse for what I did.
I fucked up, and it cost me the love of my life.
The world spins around me and my vision blurs from the tears that are pooling in my eyes. Somehow, I make it down the stairs and onto the porch. Lisa is sitting on the bench, holding one of the many decorative pillows Sierra set out. Her eyes are wet from crying.
“Chase,” she starts and stands. “I didn’t know.”
I turn to her, unable to hide the incredible pain on my face.
“No,” she says and starts crying. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s too late,” I croak out and turn away. I get into my car and lose the battle against my emotions. I pull out of the driveway and speed down the private road, not stopping until I’m in the parking lot of The Mill House.