“I can’t think of a better reason to conceive a child.”
She exhales. “You make it hard to be married to you.”
“I’m being serious,” I say, feeling the panic in my chest.
“And that’s the scary part of all of this, how dead serious you are.” She sighs again. “You know I’m not opposed to having children. I think we just need to pick the right time, okay?”
“Okay, yeah.”
“Because I know deep in my heart you will be the best father ever. I know this, Jason. And even though being the fun aunt seems ideal, I know our family won’t be complete without at least one little one of our own.”
My throat grows tight. “You’re making me emotional. I wasn’t ready for the compliments.”
She chuckles. “God, I hate you, but I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I say softly. “Don’t work too late, okay?”
“You got it. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Later.” I hang up the phone and stuff it in my pocket. Before heading back to the table, I take a deep breath and lean against the wall, smiling to myself.
Yeah, I can see myself being a dad.
And that baby butt, oh yeah, I’m passing on that gene. Easy.
***
CARSON
“How’s your chicken?” I ask, the silence at the dinner table tonight killing me.
After brunch with the guys, I thought about having the conversation with Milly about carrying a baby, but I came home to her and her period. She was devastated, despite our plan to pause trying. I didn’t think it would be a good time. We hadn’t had sex two weeks. I’ve felt like I’ve been walking on eggshells. Milly has pulled away. She shies away from my touch and when I offer to take her mind off things, she retreats to the cages instead where she spends her time reviewing video footage of her current athletes.
I feel like I’m losing my girl, and I have no clue what to do about it.
“It’s fine. Just not that hungry.” She pushes her plate away after two bites and says, “I think I’m going to go to Sean’s place tonight. He wanted me to help him with a few things.”
She goes to stand and my heart cracks as I realize this is our new normal. Her avoiding me every chance she gets, spending more time with her brothers than with me, and avoiding any sort of conversation to do with the adoption. We’ve filled out the papers and are scheduled to start our home visits this week, but we have yet to talk about it. It’s almost like we never filled out the forms.
“Milly,” I say, my heart in a panic.
She stops but doesn’t look at me. “I’ll probably be late, so you don’t have to wait up for me.”
And before I can say anything else, she’s already at the front door, grabbing her bag, slipping on her shoes, and heading out of the apartment.
When the door clicks shut, I lean back in my chair and push my hand through my hair. “Fuck,” I mutter.
How can she just leave like that?
How can I let her leave like that?
I should be chasing after her, forcing her to talk to me, but hell, I don’t have it in me. The agony in her eyes with every passing month is eating away at me. I don’t know how to stop this, to make it better. I don’t know how to tell her it’s going to be okay, because I honestly don’t know if it’s going to work out. I have no idea if we’re going to be parents . . . or if we’re going to make it through this at all.
Standing from the table, I grab our plates and take them to the kitchen where I place them in the sink, not even taking care of the food. Instead, I head back to our bedroom where I walk into our bathroom and turn on the shower. I strip down and don’t even bother to let the water warm up. I step inside and then lean against the cold marble wall, only to slide down the side and sit on the floor. I bring my knees up to my chest, bury my head in my hands . . . and I fucking cry.
All the emotions from the past few years that I’ve been holding in comes flooding out like a tsunami, drowning me in my own sorrow.
The failure of not being able to conceive with the love of my life.
The failure of not being able to talk to her about how I have felt through the entire process.
The failure of not being able to make her happy, even though I promised at our wedding that I would.
It’s fucking heartbreaking.
And not only that, it’s destroying us.
The pressure. The inadequacy we feel. It’s slowly driving a stake between us, splitting us further and further apart from each other.
And when I think about it, when I think about all the things that we could be doing together, the time we should be spending healing, I realize that we’re doing the exact opposite. We’re pushing each other away with no life raft to bring us back together.
I wipe at my eyes and take a deep breath as the now heated water pelts down on me.
I can’t fucking lose her.
Not my Milly.
Not my girl.
She’s my everything.
I can’t let this end us. We’re meant to be together.
Forever.
Standing, I turn off the shower and grab my towel. I wrap it around my waist and then pick up my phone from the bathroom counter. I find Sean’s number and call it.
The phone rings three times before he answers. “Hey Carson, what’s up, man?” There’s a crowd-like noise in the background and it makes me think he’s not at his house.
“Hey,” I say, clearing my throat. “Uh, are you home?”
“No, at Top Golf with Rian and a few guys. Everything okay?”
“So Milly isn’t meeting up with you to help with some things?”
“What? No, why?”
Fuck.
I push my hand through my wet hair.
“Yeah, she said she’s been hanging out with you quite a bit this week. Are you saying she hasn’t?”
“Only at the cages. Man, what’s going on?”
My jaw tightens as I try to wrack my brain with where she could be.
“You have cameras around the cages, right?”
“Yeah,” Sean says, the noise in the background growing quieter.
“Are you able to see if she has been there at night?”
“Yeah, but she hasn’t. I always check the notifications since we have a bunch of signed jerseys hung in the cages. Carson, is everything okay?”
I can feel all the life drain from my heart as I realize not only is our marriage falling apart, but now I know my wife is lying to me.
“No. It’s not,” I answer before hanging up.
***
Carson: Bro code, I need the honest fucking truth right now. No fucking lying. Has Milly been to any of your homes recently?
Knox: No, dude. Emory hasn’t heard from her in a while actually. What’s going on?
Jason: Not here. We haven’t seen her in a while. Everything okay?
Cory: She’s been ignoring my calls. Sean and Rian as well. I was going to text you. Do you need help?
Carson: Fuck.
***
MILLY
Hands in my sweatshirt pocket, I wait impatiently for the door to open.