We stare out at the dark field for a few moments before I say, “I fell in love with you on this field. I didn’t know it at the time, I was a cocky son of a bitch, desperate for anything to help me hit the ball, but this field, where we used to practice, this is where I fell for you.” I turn toward her. “You were the missing link in my life, Milly. I needed you, I still need you.”
She looks away and twists her hands together. “I think you’re just saying that because it’s what you’re used to saying.” She looks at me finally and all I can see is emptiness in her eyes. “But let’s be honest, Carson, we’ve drifted apart. And I’m not sure there’s much more we can give each other.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
She twists her hands even tighter as she looks down at her lap. “I think we should get divorced.”
My heart literally stops beating in that moment as the world slows to a standstill.
What. The. Fuck.
I knew things were bad, but not THAT bad.
She can’t be serious. A divorce?
I can’t . . . I can’t fucking lose her. And would she really give up on us like that?
Anger eclipses sorrow and before I can stop myself, I say, “Look me in the fucking eyes and say that.”
She doesn’t turn her head at first. She takes her time and then when she turns to me, I brace my goddamn heart. I wait for it, for her to shatter me.
But when she stays silent, I know right then and there, she doesn’t mean it. She doesn’t believe what she said.
And that’s my opening.
“Tell me you’re willing to give me up, to give us up. Tell me you don’t need this love we share, that you want to throw it away, forget it, forget me.” I grip her chin. “Say it to my face, Milly.”
She gazes at me through water-filled eyes. Her breath matches mine and when she finally answers, she whispers, “I . . . I can’t.”
“Then don’t fucking say shit you don’t mean,” I say, before releasing her chin. I stand and pace the length of the dugout, my hands pushing through my hair frantically as I try to figure out how to make this better. “We can’t let this drive us apart, Milly. You are my family. I’d rather have you than children.”
She shakes her head. “Don’t say that, Carson. I know you want a baby.”
“We both want a baby, Milly, but if it’s going to break us apart, then I’m ready to throw in the towel. I don’t want to give up on us, do you?”
She looks away and then she takes a deep breath and with a tight voice, she says, “Carson, how could you want to be with me, when I can’t give you what you want? You heard the doctor, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m the problem, I’m the one who is making this impossible.”
“Milly, we’re in this together, it’s no one’s fault.”
“But it is. It’s mine and you can deny that all you want, but the reason we don’t have a baby right now is because of me.”
“But I don’t look at it that way. I don’t blame you, I don’t blame anyone. It’s just harder for us and yeah, it fucking sucks, but I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else. You need to realize that, Milly. No matter what we go through in life, you’re my ride or die. I want no one else, just you.”
“I don’t feel worthy,” she says, breaking down and pulling her legs into her chest on the bench. “I don’t deserve you. I’m defective. How could you want someone like me?”
“Easy,” I say, taking a seat next to her. I turn her toward me and pull her on top of my lap. “Because my heart chose you, Milly. And to me, you’re not defective. Not in the slightest. You’re my girl. You’re my Milly and nothing will ever change that.” I grip her chin and bring her lips to mine. I press a soft kiss to her mouth, and when she reciprocates the kiss, I take another. And another.
And another.
On the field I fell in love with this girl, in the very dugout she schooled me, where we would share meals and get to know each other better, I reconnect with my wife. I show her just how much I love her, how much I need her.
When I pull away, I press my forehead to hers and tears fall down my face as well when I say, “I’d be lost without you, Milly. Please, please don’t fucking leave me. We’ll figure this out. Together, we will figure this out. But please don’t leave me.”
And I don’t know if it’s my choked-up voice, or the tears streaming down my cheeks, but something inside of her snaps, because when I look her in the eyes again, there’s a change.
She cups my cheeks and says, “I won’t leave you, Carson. I need you more.”
“Promise?” I ask her, holding on tight, finally identifying how utterly terrified I was.
“Promise.” She kisses me. “I’m sorry. I’m so freaking sorry.”
“Shhh,” I coo into her ear, pulling her into a hug. “Don’t apologize.” I squeeze her tight. “We’re a team, Milly. That means that everything we do, we do it for each other. To make our team work. So that means there is no ‘I’ here. We will get through this. Because we’re fucking Carson and Milly Stone, and no matter what our journey to parenthood is, we’ll work that out together.”
***
KNOX
“I honestly don’t know what the hell is going on,” I say to our friend Romeo. Romeo used to play college ball with us, went pro, and then had a shitty, career-ending injury. Now he’s a PE teacher, a damn good friend, and he also offered to help me in the cages since I haven’t heard from Carson in over a month.
“Has anyone heard from Milly?”
“No,” I answer as we head up the stairs toward the locker room. We just spent an hour in the cages and I beat the hell out of the ball, trying to forget about the fact that my best friend has fallen off the face of the earth. No one has heard anything from either Carson or Milly.
Spring training is right around the corner. I’m not sure if he’s trained, if he’s coming back, or if he’s in a healthy state of mind. The closed-off lack of response reminds me of when Carson lost his dad. And that is terrifying.
We round the corner to the locker room and open the door. Romeo obviously isn’t a Bobbie, but he’s my guest, so he’s allowed wherever I go, and it’s healthy for him, to revisit the “old days.” I know it always brightens his day.
“I think I’m going to try calling him again,” I say as we turn the corner into the main space where I stop dead in my tracks. Sitting in his locker, Carson’s holding a baby in his arms, Milly sitting next to him. “What the . . .”
Carson looks up at me, tears in his eyes, the biggest smile on his face. “Hey buddy.”
“Holy . . . shit . . .” I say, slowly walking up to him. “That’s a baby.”
Milly nods. “Yup. She’s ours.”
“She? Yours?” God, Gentry. Words, man. You know more than two.
Romeo joins me and together we pull up chairs next to Milly and Carson.
“Yup, she,” Carson says. “Meet Beatrice Marie Stone.”
He hands her over to me and I take the little bundle into my arms, choking up. “Dude, how?”