The thing in my chest surges to life. Glad to fucking know that it actually still works.
Grabbing the fucking chance—or trap, depending on how you see it—by the horns, I make my way down the hall as fast as I can, gritting my teeth at the sudden pain.
I have to go to her.
Because of earlier when we were in her room when she woke, I remember my way to her room. Elevators are totally out of the fucking question, someone will recognize me and I’m pretty sure the press is buzzing around somewhere, not to mention Courtney, so I take the stairs.
With one arm in a fucking cast and a fucking shitty leg, the pain is excruciating but damned if I let that stop me. Instead, the agony pushes me forward, something in me demanding to be with her.
Earlier, Cole did some fucking patrol thing and told me Nicky was at home, exhausted. That asshole Nathan is still in police custody. The Matthews house is currently under fire, well not literally, because of what was found there so this means Mia might be alone.
It’s both a blessing and a fucking curse when I’m proven right the moment I get to her room, all but panting, my body sore.
When I push her door open, I see the lights are muted low, casting a warm, almost intimate glow on the small, petite mound under the covers on the bed.
She’s sleeping, facing away from the door and just like that, I’m not breathing anymore, but I want more.
I want to see her, so without wasting a second, I get in her room, close the door as silently as I can. I turn to go to her, but I turn back and flip the lock on the door.
I want as much privacy as I can get with Mia, even if she doesn’t remember me. She will. She fucking has to.
Mia lies still in her bed, almost like a statue but when I get closer, I hear the gasps and whimpers escaping her lips. I run the rest of the way to her, reaching for her. Her skin in cold and damp with a sheen of sweat, her beautiful face healing from the bruises, scrunched up in pain.
She must be having a nightmare.
As soon as I touch her, she tenses up, turning into marble under my touch. She’s in obvious distress, in the grips of horrors she was never meant to sustain. That knowledge fucks me up all over again. I’d rather willingly drink acid than watch her suffer like this.
“Mia, wake up, baby,” I murmur close to her ear, my voice tinged with desperation. “You’re safe now.”
A tortured moan of pain escapes her lips as they part, her breathing audible, shallow and fast, like she’s trying to suck in a breath, fighting shadows and monsters she wasn’t meant to see.
“Baby, wake up. I’m here,” I whisper. A tremor moves through and I can’t stand it anymore. I waddle my way around the bed, going behind her, then lower the bar so I can slide into bed with her.
I hate myself for all this, but if I can do something to fucking weather the nightmares, I’ll fucking do it.
Ignoring the electric shock waves of pain in my body, I slide into bed behind her, and then gather her in my arms as best as I can with a fucking useless arm making everything fucking slow.
As soon as she’s lying on my bare chest covered with bandages though, her head laying right over my pounding heart, the tremors stop. The gasping bursts come to a stop, but she’s still tense over me.
I choose to see that as progress, as if there’s a light at the end of this darkness.
“I’m here, Little Minx,” I murmur close to her, scenting her as I hold her close to me. She’s so close I think I might be hurting her, but I don’t give a damn.
I bring the blanket over us, then shift her more comfortably into her favorite sleeping position.
“God, I’m so fucking mad at you, you have no idea,” I whisper. I’ve been holding these words for weeks. “How could you do that, Mia, damn you! That bullet was mine and you just…”
I trail off, falling silent as the replay of that night plays in my head.
She stirs in my arms restlessly. Unable to stop myself, I stroke her from her hair to her back as she lies half on top of me. Over and over I stroke her softly, patting her the best way I can so she can feel safe.
For a moment, peace seems to settle over us as I hold her in my arms. For just a brief, moment, the nightmare seems to backoff as we lay there. Her skin grows warmer in my arms, her lips puckered up as if she’s begging for a kiss.
I’m so tempted to reach down and do just that, kiss her and remind her who I am to her. But if that happens, then the ugly will set in and she’ll start hating me all over again.
“I’m sorry.” The words escape me before I can clamp them down or swallow them and now that they are out, I don’t have a candle in holding in everything I’m been feeling and didn’t know how to express. “I’m so fucking sorry, Mia.”
In the silence of the hospital room, it’s the pounding of my heart and roar in my blood that I can hear, but she’s all I see. All I know and feel. Mia is everything.
“You were never meant to be here, baby,” I whisper, my words clipped and short. “You were never meant to be in danger or anyone’s target. You were mine to protect, mine to love and cherish and I… I let my fucking insecurities swallow your truth and filled my fucking head with noise and fucking chaos that only distracted me from what was right there in front of me.”
I lie there and gut myself open to her and bleed, showing her where all the monsters are, where all the darkness lies.
“I know you don’t remember me, and this doesn’t count because you’re asleep but how else can I tell you? What else am I supposed to do when I know that the light you had in your eyes when you looked at me is now gone? That glint of knowledge of my soul, that spark of love you had only for me… it’s gone and now, what do I do with myself?”
It’s dark in the room, but silent. It’s truly the first we’ve been alone since everything, and now I just want to be honest. I’m probably a coward for saying this while she’s fighting her way out of a nightmare, but it’s an opportunity I’m willing to take.
“Mia the truth is, I never thought I’d feel so much like this. I was never the expressive type or the guy who opens up even about the little things.” Isn’t that the fucking truth? “All I knew was I had a duty to protect. My instincts to shelter Aiden and Liam were always on alert. I never really knew why until now with all that we know but the day I met you, you saw the real me and you rolled with it anyway. You calmed me down, tempered my rage with your sarcastic quips and humor that I swear I thought about for years when I couldn’t be near you.”
She softens in my arms, the tense set of her shoulders fading away.
“But God did I fight it, the way you made me feel,” I say with a low chuckle. “I fought your hold over my soul like you wouldn’t believe. That was the first time I ever lost at anything, Mia, so thanks for that.”
I place a kiss to her bandaged wrapped head, holding her tighter.
“The truth is, I didn’t want to love you, Little Minx,” I mutter hoarsely. “I didn’t want all of the complicate feelings that opened up the moment I kissed you all those years ago, but I guess that didn’t matter because from the moment you looked at me like I’m a nuisance and reduced me to a pile of pathetic longing with just your beautiful eyes, I just… I wanted to show you my worst.”