I gave my head a little shake. “No. Just getting ready for bed.”
I wasn’t sure if it was the slight tremble in my voice or the fact that I wouldn’t meet his eyes, but Brody instantly moved in close, cupping my cheeks and tipping my face up to his. “Hey, what’s going on?”
I was torn between so many emotions my body couldn’t keep them all straight. Anxiety and elation. Fear and excitement. Embarrassment and hope. “I’m fine.”
Brody’s mouth pressed into a hard line. “Don’t lie. Not with me. You know you can talk to me about anything.”
He’d proven that time and again. In how he listened without judgment. In how he encouraged without pushing. My hands fisted in the sheets. “I’ve never slept in the same bed with someone.” Not unless you counted my parents when I was a child. I’d certainly never shared this tiny space with a man. Not that the California King we were on was small, but in my mind, it might as well have been us crammed onto a twin.
Brody was silent. Each second that ticked by wound the ball of worry inside me tighter. Soon, I couldn’t take it anymore. “I’m just going to go.”
“No.” Brody tugged me back to the bed. “I’m trying to find the right words, but all I can think in my head is why. You’re magnificent. This potent mixture of strength and kindness. With a beauty that would knock a man right on his ass.”
Slowly, my gaze lifted to meet Brody’s. I wanted to laugh at the look of pure bafflement on his face. But I was still wound too tightly. “I’ve had sex. But it wasn’t an altogether pleasurable experience.” I’d been young and so hungry for any kind of connection. I’d mistaken a boy’s lust for love. But I’d never shown him or anyone else my scars, not until Brody.
“Any kind of intimacy makes you vulnerable. But for me, the stakes are so much higher in every way. It’s not just the scars on my shoulder and arm. They’re all over my torso, too. So many I can’t keep track when I count. I’m not ashamed of them or embarrassed. But sharing them with another person means giving them a piece of me. I’ve never trusted anyone enough to be totally vulnerable with them. And that means there’s never been a reason to share a bed with someone.”
I watched as wave after wave of emotion passed over Brody’s face, one morphing into another. But under it all was pain. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, his hand trailing down my neck. “I hate how alone you’ve been. What you’ve gone without. I hate that even walking in here makes you tremble—”
“I’m not scared of you.”
He stared intently at me as if checking for untruths. “Swear?”
“I promise.” I found his free hand and traced his fingers with mine. “Anything new is a little scary, and this just feels like one giant leap.”
Brody tilted my chin. “Then let’s leap together. I want you, Shay. In any way you’ll let me have you. As a friend. A companion. A lover. But we go at your pace. You just have to know one thing.”
My throat tightened but I managed to ask, “What’s that?”
“You’re never alone.”
My eyes burned as I took in this man and his solemn vow. “I’m a mess, Brody.”
His mouth curved. “Everything halfway interesting is. Look at my studio. What my paintings look like before they come together. A total disaster zone. But it’s all of those complex pieces in abstract arrangements that come together to create something uniquely beautiful. All of your pieces do the same.”
“If you make me cry, I’m going to be really mad at you.”
He grinned. “How about we try to sleep instead?” I nodded slowly. “You tell me if you need space. If you need to head to the guest room in the night, do it. But, Shay? I want you to stay in the main house until they catch whoever killed that man. I don’t like the idea of you being so far away.”
Ice slid through my veins. “I can stay. But I can sleep in the guest room if that’s why you asked me to stay.”
“I thought you were smarter than that.”
I scowled at Brody. “Don’t be rude.”
“Don’t be an idiot,” he chided and tugged me so that I lay on his chest. “I want you, Shay. And you’re going to have to learn to trust that.”
I made a humming noise but said nothing. I couldn’t give him my trust simply because he demanded it or even because I wanted to. It took time and careful tending. But Brody’s words tonight…they went a long way to planting those seeds.
24
Brody
I picked up a rubber band from my pile on the counter. Leaning back on my stool, I aimed at the cup on the kitchen table and let it fly. I let out a series of curses when I missed the mark by half an inch.
“Am I interrupting?” Shay deadpanned as she entered the kitchen.
I snatched her wrist as she passed, tugging her onto my lap and kissing her neck. “You’re never interrupting.” I inhaled deeply as I nuzzled the spot behind Shay’s ear that always made her squirm. She no longer panicked or froze when I moved to touch her, no longer pushed me away after we’d lost ourselves in a kiss. But I was following her lead, and she hadn’t given me any signs that she was ready to take things further either. That was fine with me. I got my body wrapped around hers each night, and the taste of her on my tongue every day.
Shay twisted in my lap. “When was the last time you were in your studio?”
The happy buzz of having Shay close melted away. “It’s been a while.” I hadn’t set foot in the sunporch since the day Parker had been here. Now, almost a week had passed. There’d been no leads on the murderer, but no other deaths either. The islands were holding their collective breaths. And I was doing my part by not putting any other images out into the world.
“Brody…” She pressed a palm to my cheek, moving in close. “You can’t let someone this sick have control. You can’t let them steal the thing you love most in the world.”
I pushed to my feet, forcing Shay up as I went. I crossed to the kitchen table, picking up my array of rubber bands. “Don’t you do the same thing?” It was a cheap shot, and I knew it. But it was also the truth. Shay had been so concerned about staying safe, she’d all but erased herself from existence.
Shay was quiet for a moment. “It’s different.”
“How?” I asked, turning to face her. “You don’t let yourself have friends. You won’t play your violin for anyone but me. And you’re incredible. You’re hiding this talent away from the world. But why?”
Her jaw hardened. “You know why.”
“Shay…” I moved in close so I could see every fleck of gold in her gorgeous hazel eyes. “Michael doesn’t know where you are. Do you really think having a few friends or playing a local gig will expose you?”
“It’s not worth the risk.”
“Just like I’m not, right?” I could feel the battle within Shay every day. While she slept in my bed, surrendered her mouth to mine, she always had one foot out the door.
She stepped back, her gaze heating. “I thought you said we could go at my pace.”