Luckily, I wasn’t forced to drum up a response for Bell because we made it to the band. She wished me well and headed for the bar and a man who looked as if he were undressing her with his eyes. She gave him a long, hard kiss and then moved to pour drinks.
I turned my focus back to the band. And with a few last-minute checks, we took the stage. The lead singer and banjo player, Gareth, greeted the patrons. When he introduced me as their special guest, I caught sight of Sam in the crowd. I hadn’t seen him since our altercation a few weeks ago, conveniently pushing him from my mind. His gaze swept over my body, and I fought a shiver. I turned my focus to a point about a foot over the crowd’s heads. It was a trick I’d learned when I first started playing in recitals. If I didn’t make eye contact, the nerves couldn’t set in.
We started out slow, with a rendition of I’ll Fly Away, and it didn’t take long for me to get lost in the music. The bar, the building, the world…it all slipped away. The only thing that existed was my bow across the strings, the push and pull, the buildup, and the spiral down.
When we moved into The Devil Went Down to Georgia, the crowd lost their minds as my fingers flew across the strings, and my bow went wild. They were loud enough that it pulled me from the trance I loved so much, and I found Brody across the room.
The smile on his face as he watched me fly twisted something deep inside me. His sheer joy at watching me do something I loved made its way into a place inside I hadn’t let anyone into in over a decade.
As we transitioned into something slower, a song I couldn’t name but which my fingers played on autopilot, I kept my gaze locked with Brody’s. Neither of us looked away as one note slid into the next. Each sweep of my bow seemed to pull at something low in my belly. As if Brody’s hand were somehow on top of mine, and we were playing together. Each place his eyes focused on my body burned as if he were actually touching me. And by the time I finished the final note, I was aflame.
26
Shay
The bite of the night air as our boat whipped along the water should’ve cooled my overheated skin. But it did nothing to calm the buzz of energy humming just below the surface. The wine, the high of playing for a crowd for the first time in years, the intensity of Brody’s stare. It had started a fire in me that I wasn’t sure I’d ever get under control.
I was silent as I tried to dial it back. As if I could douse it piece by piece. Forget how each part of tonight had made me feel alive.
As Brody pulled up to our dock, I moved to help him tie off. He climbed over the side of the boat and offered me a hand. I studiously ignored it. Instead, I hiked up my dress with one hand and placed the other on one of the dock posts for balance.
Brody eyed me carefully as I made my way down the dock and up the path. He was silent as we walked, likely taking stock of my mood and wondering what the hell had brought it on. I wanted to go to my guest house, to barricade myself in there and start rebuilding the walls that protected me from a world that could leave me exposed and at risk. Walls that would block out any temptation to lure me into an existence that would do just that. But the majority of my meager belongings had made their way to the main house. That was fine. I’d just sleep in the guest room.
Brody unlocked the door and punched in the alarm code as I made my way to the stairs. “You want to tell me what the hell is going on in your head right now?” he asked.
I froze with my foot on the bottom step. “I shouldn’t have played in public. It was foolish. A risk that didn’t need to be taken.”
“So, you hated it?”
I couldn’t answer him. Because I’d loved every second of playing with other people again. Of moving a crowd.
Brody moved in closer. “That’s what I thought. You came alive on that stage, Shay. I’ve never seen anything like it. You were flying. But you want to push it all away. You want to push me away.”
I whirled on him. “I have to! Because every time I get a taste of what life could be like if I just let myself free, I want it even more. I’m more and more likely to take a risk that could get me killed. And if I have to choose between music and breathing, I’m going to choose breathing every time. But I don’t need the reminder of what I can’t have. I don’t need you to remind me.”
My lungs heaved as Brody took step after careful step towards me. “Are you even breathing, though? What’s life if you don’t live it?”
Anger heated my blood. “That’s so easy for you to say. You don’t know what it’s like. To constantly look over your shoulder. To wonder if the person you love most in the world is going to show up and shove a knife between your ribs.”
Brody jerked at my words, but he kept moving forward until he came to a stop a breath away from me. “You’re right. I don’t know what it’s like to fear that way. But I do know that the answer isn’t to cease existing. Be safe, take precautions, but don’t sentence yourself to a slow death without human connection or the things you love most in the world.”
My eyes burned as if someone had filled them with acid. Tears spilled over, trying to soothe. “I don’t know how. This is what I’ve done for so long. I don’t know how else to keep myself safe. I’m scared to reach for something, only to have it stolen away.” Just like it had happened so many times before. Everything I’d loved most, ripped right out from under me. Torn to shreds in front of my very eyes.
Brody reached out his fingers, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear before trailing his hand down my neck. “I’ll help you figure it out along the way. You just have to take that first step.”
My body hummed as I slowly and deliberately took a step towards Brody. Towards his strength and heat. Towards everything that was terrifying but oh so alive. “I don’t want to hide.”
His rough hands framed my face, his mouth the barest touch away from mine. “Been waiting for those words.”
“Touch me,” I whispered before I lost my nerve.
His eyes flared. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I want to know what it’s like. With you.” I wanted to feel what it would be to come alive under his touch. To lose myself in the rhythm of our bodies.
Brody didn’t need any other words of encouragement. He lifted me in a flash, my legs naturally moving to encircle his waist. He climbed the stairs with a speed that made me dizzy. Each step he took created a delicious friction between my center and the hard planes of his body.
Striding into his bedroom, Brody came to a stop by the bed. Slowly, he lowered me, but his eyes stayed locked with mine as the movement sent little sparks through my nerve endings.
Part of me wanted to duck my head, to turn away from the intensity of the moment. But I wasn’t going to do that anymore. I would be in the here and now. I would experience the moment fully. No more running and hiding. I would give myself a shot at this one wild and reckless life.
As my booted feet finally hit the floor, Brody’s hands drifted up from my waist to the zipper at the back of my dress. He paused there, a silent question of permission. I brushed my lips against his. His fingers tugged at the clasp, and the sound of the zipper was like a cannon shot in the silent room.