I crossed to Shay, framing her face in my hands. “You were already doing it. Reclaiming little pieces of your life. Your music. Friendships. Me. I see that fear taking hold in you, telling you to give all of those things up. Don’t listen.”
“How do you know?” she whispered, her mouth a breath away from mine. “It’s like you can see inside my brain.”
My mouth curved the barest amount. “Because I’ve felt the same. And every time I wanted to let my art go, you were right there, forcing me to keep going.”
Shay’s eyes glistened. “I sound like a bit of a bossy bitch.”
I chuckled and pressed my mouth to hers. “It just so happens that’s exactly what I needed.”
She ran her hands through my hair, her nails grazing my scalp. “Does that mean you’re going to be putting your studio to good use?”
“You wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“No. I wouldn’t. What you do is too important.”
A pleasant burn swept through my chest. If I never sold another painting, it wouldn’t matter. I’d paint for Shay alone. The way she saw my art, how she understood without words what I was trying to say, it was priceless. “I’ll get in there tomorrow.”
She smiled. “I’ll make sure you have a beautifully decorated office for whenever you need it.”
I groaned. “No more shopping.”
“I promise I’m done… For now.”
I let my hands trail down Shay’s neck to her shoulders and then her arms, tugging her closer to me. “Are you going to fight?”
“I’m going to fight.” She pressed her lips together. “I just wish I could know for sure what Michael is up to. I think it would help.”
I was quiet for a moment, trying to decide the best way to confess what I needed to share. “I might be able to help with that.”
She blinked up at me. “How?”
“I talked to Dante.”
She tensed. “What did he say?”
I rubbed a hand up and down her back. “That Michael’s playing by every rule exactly.”
Her gaze traveled over my face, searching. “Why do I get the feeling you think there’s more to the story?”
“Both Dante and I feel it’s too perfect. Michael never takes one step out of line. Not that we’ve been able to see.”
Shay traced a finger in circles on my shoulder. “He’s incredibly good at mimicking whatever behavior he believes will get him what he wants. He always has been.”
“Dante’s been keeping a close eye, but he can’t watch him twenty-four-seven. And he has to leave Seattle for other jobs occasionally.”
“So, who knows what he’s been up to in the times Dante doesn’t have eyes on him.”
I hated that I couldn’t give her more reassurance. That I couldn’t take away every ounce of anxiety and fear that lived inside Shay, tearing her apart, piece by piece. “I can see about getting another guy on the job. Maybe between the two of them, they’ll catch something.”
She shook her head. “No.”
“Why?”
“The more people you put on this, the more likely Michael is to notice. He’s always had a sixth sense about that stuff. He knew when our parents had been in his room and went through his stuff. He knew when a guidance counselor was keeping an eye on him.”
She sighed. “And, honestly, Dante’s probably not going to give us anything that helps. Not unless he catches Michael in the act of something that would put him back in prison. One of two things is going to happen. Either something will trip Michael’s trigger, and he’ll explode. Or he’ll keep his dark side under wraps. Neither changes how I live my life right now. I have to hope that if I don’t engage with him, Michael will eventually get bored and give up. It makes me a horrible human being for even thinking it, but maybe he’ll find someone else to fixate on.”
“That does not make you a horrible human being. You’ve lived with his shadow for so long, it doesn’t make you a bad person to want a break away from it.” I pressed my lips to her forehead. “Proud of you.”
She gripped my shoulders tighter. “I have to figure out a way to keep stepping forward amidst all the unknowns. I’ve done everything I can to protect myself. But you’re right. None of those precautions are worth it if I stop living.”
“I’ll do everything I can to help you keep going. It might be into a giant unknown, but you won’t be alone.”
Shay pressed a palm to my chest. “I’ll be with you when you step into those scary places, too. I know it’s different. But I’ll support you every way I can.”
She already did. Sitting for me when she didn’t want her face publicized anywhere. Letting me into her world of music when she’d kept it locked away for so long. Never letting me give up on the thing that had been the most important in the world to me. Until Shay snuck in and stole that spot. She poked and prodded but never judged. She listened to the silence and understood me better than anyone ever had before.
I cupped her jaw as I stared at the golden flecks dancing in the sea of green of her eyes. “I love you. Your strength and empathy. Your determination and fire. The way you see things in me no one ever has. I know it’s soon, but hiding the truth doesn’t feel right either. I’ve been holding onto those words for weeks, and I need you to know they’re yours.”
I was stepping into the greatest unknown there was. Not knowing if I would send her running for the hills. Or if this could last. But I couldn’t imagine my life without Shay, and I needed her to understand that.
Nothing but silence greeted me.
34
Shay
He loved me. The words Brody said ricocheted around in my brain, snowballing from one emotion to another, gathering them all up in a mess I might never be able to untangle. “You can’t love me,” I whispered.
His brow quirked, but there was pain in his eyes. “Why not?”
It was a stupid thing to say. But some tiny part of my mind had decided that if we didn’t say the words aloud, I could keep Brody safe. That if those three tiny words were never uttered, he wouldn’t be at risk. My eyes burned and filled. “I want to keep you safe.”
“Hell,” he muttered, pulling me into his chest so his strength surrounded me. “Nothing’s going to happen to me. Or you, either.”
The tears came faster, my chest shuddering. “I love you, too. I didn’t want to say it because if we say it, then it’s real. And if it’s real, you become the person Michael would want to hurt most of all.”
Brody held me tighter against him. “Not letting those words free doesn’t change anything. The truth still exists. That love is still there. Nothing’s going to erase it.”
“I know.” For a normal woman, one who’d had a typical childhood, who’d dreamed of the perfect man, a white dress she’d walk down the aisle in, his words would’ve been a dream come true. But for me, someone whose past meant that she’d had to hide every single thing she even remotely cared about, it brought ice-cold fear. The kind that froze everything inside of a person and made it impossible to move.