“I’d rather have a conversation with you,” Martha said. “You’ve been quiet and tired the last couple of days. I should come with you.”
“You’re my driver, not my nurse although after my fainting episode I do understand why you might think your job description has expanded somewhat.” Kathleen gathered up her bag and her wrap and emerged into the bright sunlight. “Go. It’s the perfect moment.”
Was it? He’d walked away. That could be taken as a clear indication that he was annoyed with her and didn’t want to continue the conversation. On the other hand he was reserving a table, which implied that he expected them to join him.
And Martha believed strongly that issues shouldn’t be ignored. If there was one thing she couldn’t bear, it was an atmosphere.
She slid her arm into Kathleen’s as they walked to the door of the restaurant. “Is it the letters? Is that why you’re quiet? You’ve been thinking about them?” She felt a tug on her arm and stopped walking. “I know a parking lot isn’t the place for this conversation, but I don’t want to say anything in front of Josh and I’m worried about you. I know those letters are important to you. You have to be wondering what they say. I don’t really understand why you haven’t read them before now.”
“Because I was afraid I might not like what they say.”
Kathleen was scared.
Why hadn’t she realized that before? Fierce, fearless, Kathleen was scared. Even she had her vulnerabilities. She was as human as Martha.
She covered Kathleen’s hand with hers. “But if Liza reads them, then you can talk about it together.”
“I’m considering it. As I told you, we don’t have that kind of relationship. We’re not particularly close—my fault, of course.”
Because Kathleen protected herself, Martha thought. And no one understood that better than her.
But she knew how hard it must have been for Kathleen to admit that and was quick to reassure her.
“Liza loves you. I saw that when I came to meet you that day. And I see it in the messages she sends, and the way she sounds on the phone when she asks how you are. You don’t have to protect yourself from someone who loves you. She’s an adult, Kathleen. Whatever is in those letters, she’ll handle it. She’d probably like the chance to support you.”
“I don’t need support.”
“We all need support.” Martha glanced at the diner, where Josh was sitting alone. Did Josh need support? “I’ll do what you suggest and talk to Josh. But if you’re more than fifteen minutes, I’m sending in a search party.”
Kathleen squeezed Martha’s hand. “You are a very special young woman. You have high emotional intelligence.”
Martha felt her throat thicken. “You say the nicest things.”
Kathleen sighed. “I speak only the truth, and the sooner you stop mixing with dreadful people who make you think less of yourself the better. Did you delete Steven from your contacts?”
“Not yet.”
“Well, do it, while you still have the confidence to get out of bed in the morning.”
Why hadn’t she deleted his number? He didn’t add anything to her life except stress. She didn’t want him in her life.
“Perhaps you’re right.” Martha paused in the doorway of the diner. She could see the back of Josh’s head in a booth by the window.
“Go.” Kathleen patted her arm. “You, Martha, are smarter than you think you are.” She headed to the restrooms while Martha joined Josh at the booth.
He passed the menu across to her.
“Thanks.” She took it and then put it down again. If she was going to do this, then she had to do it right away before Kathleen joined them. “I know I upset you in some way, and I’m sorry. If you’d like to talk about it, then I’d like to listen.” She stopped as the waitress arrived with coffee and iced waters. “You’re not crossing Route 66 for the fun of it, are you?” Presumably he could take a private jet if he wanted to. Or hire his own chauffeur. There had to be a reason that someone like him would want to hitchhike.
Josh picked up his glass of water. Condensation misted the side of the glass. “I was supposed to do this trip with my brother.”
It was the first personal thing he’d told her. “And he couldn’t make it?”
“He’s dead.”
“Oh Josh—” She reached out and covered his hand with hers. She remembered how she’d felt when her grandmother had died. How empty, and alone. She felt him tense and waited for him to pull away from her, but after a pause his fingers closed over hers.
“It’s been—hard. The toughest time of my life.”
When her grandmother died many people had said clumsy things. Some hadn’t been in contact at all because they hadn’t known what to say, and that had been bad too. All of it had added to her sense of isolation.
She knew it was important to say something, but she also knew that the words she chose mattered.
“Grief is a horrible, cruel thing. People talk about going through stages, but honestly it wasn’t like that for me. I think of it like being on the ocean. One moment things are calm and you start to relax, and you feel almost confident and think ‘I’ve got this’, and then the next minute you’re swamped by a wave and you’re gasping for air and drowning.”
“You’ve lost someone close to you?”
“My Nanna. It’s different, I know, because she’d lived a full life, but she was the person I loved most in the world. She understood me. When she died it was as if I’d lost a layer of protection. I felt raw. My whole world changed shape. Losing her was the biggest thing I’ve had to handle—worse than my divorce to be honest—and she wasn’t there to help me through it.”
“But you coped.”
Martha stared down at their hands, still locked together. “Not really. Not in a way that makes me proud. I was lonely, vulnerable, desperate to connect with someone and feel close and understood, the way I had been with Nanna. When Steven suggested marriage, I said yes. I thought it would fix everything. It didn’t. It made everything worse. Feeling lonely inside a marriage is a thousand times worse than feeling lonely outside. The whole thing was a mistake really. I guess he thought so too.”
Why had she been so hard on herself? She’d been beating herself up about making bad decisions, but when she laid the facts out like that her decisions made more sense.
He nodded. “Your grandmother sounds like a special person.”
“She really was.” She paused. “Had you been planning this trip with your brother for a long time?”