Oh no. God no. Penny, you have to be kidding me right now.
But instead of the hostess showing the redhead toward my table, she tried to show her out the door. I was about to breathe a sigh of relief when the redhead sidestepped Tamara and ran into the restaurant. She almost collided with a waiter, but somehow managed to reach my table unscathed.
“I’m so so sorry that I’m late,” she said. She was completely out of breath. “The subway broke down. I had to run. Luckily I wore sneakers.”
I looked down. Sure enough, she was sporting a pair of sneakers in a five-star restaurant. Which I actually found endearing. Brooklyn had this pair of beat-up Keds she used to wear everywhere. She even wore them with her homecoming dress.
“I really am sorry. I hate being late. Lateness is one of my greatest fears.” She sat down, still out of breath and red in the face.
“Are you thirsty?” I asked and pushed my glass of water toward her.
“So thirsty. But um…have you already put your lips on that? Because I really don’t like germs. I’m not like a germophobe or anything like that. I’m not actually scared of germs. But I am scared of dying from some kind of contracted virus. Okay, yeah, I’m a little scared of germs. But it’s a lot lower on my list of fears than lateness. And I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I’m just really really nervous and when I’m nervous I tend to ramble. And I think being late is making everything worse.”
I can tell.
She eyed the glass of water longingly.
“Sorry, I forgot to answer your question. No, I haven’t gotten any virus germs on it. I only touched it to push it over to you,” I said.
“Oh thank God.” She grabbed it and downed half of it in one gulp.
I stared at her as she drank water like an Olympic athlete. Penny said this girl was exactly what I was looking for. I’d joked around with Penny about liking petite redheads like her. And she’d delivered one…
“Is it like a thousand degrees in here?” My date said as she fanned her face.
I probably should have given Penny a few more details about my dating preferences. Because the girl not being an insane person was pretty high on my list. And I was pretty sure this girl didn’t fit that criteria. “You’re probably just overheated from running. And the heat is on full blast in here. Do you want to take off your jacket?”
Her eyes grew round. “No, I’m good.”
“But you just said you were hot.”
“I’m okay now.” She pulled the jacket tighter around herself.
Was she topless under there or something?
She finished the rest of the water and looked slightly less flushed. “It’s really nice to finally meet you, Matt.”
I stared at her. So she knew my name? What else did she know about me? Had Penny actually spoken to her about me? Or had Penny pretended to be me in some weird catfishing scheme? I cleared my throat. “Nice to meet you too. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”
She laughed like I was joking. But then immediately frowned. “You don’t know my name? How many dates on this crazy app do you go on a week?”
I smiled. “This is my first one. Full disclosure: my friend actually made my profile for me and set up this date.”
“Oh. Oh. Wait…so who have I been talking to exactly? I thought I’d been texting you.”
“You’ve been chatting with my friend Penny.”
“Your friend that’s a woman?”
“Yes?” I don’t know why my response sounded like a question. It just seemed like this girl didn’t want that answer.
“Hmm. Interesting.” She eyed her empty water glass and fidgeted in her seat, like she was debating whether to start eating the ice.
I should have called over the waiter to ask for more water. But I had something more pressing on my mind. “Why is that interesting?”
“Because in my experience, boys and girls can’t really just be friends.”
“In this case we are.” Unfortunately. “She’s married to one of my other friends.”
“Ah. Okay. I get it now. You’ve been feeling like a bit of a third wheel and are trying to find someone to go on double dates with?”
“Something like that.”
She nodded, seemingly content with my response. “Well, Matt, it’s nice to actually meet you. I’m Ash, by the way. Well, Ashley, but Ash for short. Ashley Dickson.” She cringed at her own name.
Which was fair. It was a pretty terrible last name. I used to know a kid with that last name. Joe “Cupcake” Dickson. That stupid son of a bitch. He’d dated Isabella. Tormented Brooklyn. Cupcake was at the top of my shit list. When did I start listing things? This girl was already rubbing off on me in a really weird way.
“Nice to meet you, Ash,” I said.
“God, now I’m trying to remember if I said anything weird to your friend while I thought it was you.”
Judging by how the date had started? I’d say that was very likely. But I was curious too. What had Penny said to this woman while pretending to be me? I thought back to my horrible profile she’d made. For all I knew, she’d told her about how I was the most eligible bachelor in the city. I needed to change the topic. “Are you ready to order?”
“Yes. Well, no. I don’t even have a menu. The hostess was really quite rude to me. She tried to kick me out of the restaurant.”
I tried not to laugh. Probably because Tamara was jealous that she wasn’t my date. I glanced over at the hostess stand. Tamara had been staring, but she quickly looked away.
“But it’s fine, you can just choose for me,” Ash said and pointed at my menu.
“You want me to pick what meal you’re having?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“But I don’t know anything that you like. Or if you’re a vegetarian or a vegan. Or what is it when you only eat fish?”
She laughed. “I don’t think that’s a thing. And I’m just a normal person.”
I really wasn’t sure about that. “What about allergies? Do you have any allergies?”
“No. Just order me something a normal person would order and I’ll be happy.”
Where did Penny find this chick? “Here, just look at the menu,” I said, trying to hand it to her.
At first she pushed it back, but she finally conceded. As she looked over the menu, an awkward silence enveloped the table.
I could have easily stopped it. I was quite good at small talk. But it was fun watching her literally squirm. It was like silence was driving her bonkers. Even though I was pretty sure she was crazy already.
The silence kept stretching until it looked like Ash was about to explode.
“Wow this place is fancy,” she finally said and closed the menu. “I don’t usually eat in places with tablecloths.”
“Mhm.”
She stared at me like she couldn’t believe that was the only thing I had to say. “I wish someone had told me it was fancy.”
“Didn’t you pick the place?” I asked. Was that what Penny had said? Or had Penny picked this place while pretending to be me?
“Oh. Um. No. Well, maybe it was my fault. I have a confession too and if I don’t tell you I’m going to start acting weird.”