I should have turned around right then. But I knew on the other side of that door was a scotch and someone who wouldn’t make me feel like I was crazy. I knocked.
Penny opened the door with a huge smile on her face. “You came!” It was like her cheery words caught in her throat and died at the sight of me. “Matt, are you alright?”
“Fine.” I stepped past her. “I just need a drink.”
“Okay…” she said, following me into her huge kitchen.
I could feel her eyes on me as I took out a glass and poured myself some scotch. I knew I was being rude. But I took a huge sip anyway before turning back to her. “Sorry. Do you want some?” I set the glass down on the counter with a clink when I realized my hand was shaking.
She laughed. “As good as a drink sounds right now, I can’t. I’m breastfeeding.”
My eyes wandered to her breasts and I didn’t even try to hide it. What the hell am I doing? She was breastfeeding her baby boy that would one day call me Uncle Matt just like her daughter did. I grabbed my glass, downed the rest of the burning liquid, and tried not to cough. “I’m sorry. I just stopped by to tell you that I need to cancel our plans for tonight. I’ll catch you later.” I tried to walk past her, but she grabbed my arm.
“Matt.” Her voice was laced with concern. But I barely heard it. Because it was like the fire in my throat had somehow transferred to where she was touching my skin.
I pulled back. “Penny, I’ve had a really shitty day and I don’t want to pretend that everything is fine. You know I don’t want to do this.”
“I’m not asking you to pretend anything. And I thought you did want this?” She pulled her arms across her chest like she was hugging herself. Like she was trying to protect herself from my wrath. “I’m sorry, Matt. I didn’t mean to pressure you.” She shook her head. “I didn’t realize I was doing that. I thought…I just…” her voice trailed off. “I’m sorry.”
Fuck. I hadn’t meant to upset her.
She was blinking fast like she was about to cry. I’d noticed her doing that more and more recently. Like there was something in her life that was making her unhappy. She was hiding something. And her secrets drew me closer. It was one of the reasons why I’d agreed to meet with her like this. I wanted her to let me in. Even though I wasn’t the person she should be opening up to.
She blinked faster and all I wanted to do was pull her into my arms. And kiss away the tears before they had a chance to fall. I took another step back from her.
She hugged herself even tighter and forced a smile onto her face. “I’m sorry you had a bad day. It’s okay if you want to go. I have a little work I need to finish up anyway.”
I just stared at her. Because I didn’t really want to leave.
“But I’m here if you wanna talk about it,” she added.
I pressed my lips together. It was a bad idea. My breathing had finally evened out, but I still felt shaky. The last thing I needed was for Penny to see me like this. But I found myself nodding. “Okay.”
“Okay you’ll stay?”
“Yeah. I’m going to need another drink though.”
“Do you want something to eat too? Ellen made a delicious chicken casserole for dinner last night and we have some leftovers.”
Her housekeeper, Ellen, was a great cook. And the thought of a home-cooked meal made my stomach growl. I nodded.
“Great. Go sit down and I’ll warm some up for you and grab you another drink.” She turned her back to me.
I retreated to the living room. Not just because I needed a minute to calm down. But it seemed like she needed a minute to compose herself too. I sat down on the couch. I was still in my sweatpants and t-shirt from practice. I’m pretty sure I smelled from running sprints with the team. And I probably looked like death after thinking I saw the dead walking along the busy streets of Manhattan.
I leaned forward, placing my elbows on top of my knees, as I stared at pictures of Penny’s happy family on the wall. There were several framed pictures from James and Penny’s wedding day. I was standing right next to James with a huge smile on my face. A fake one. But I wasn’t sure anyone could tell.
It should have been me.
I looked down at my hands. I wasn’t a homewrecker. I wasn’t actually here to sleep with Penny, despite my wandering thoughts. The only reason she’d invited me over was because she’d offered to help me with online dating. I didn’t want to date. I didn’t date. Ever. But I couldn’t pass up spending more time with Penny. We rarely ever hung out one on one. And here she was, offering. She’d even said she wouldn’t tell anyone about it. Our little secret project. One I figured I could drag out for as long as I wanted. Because we didn’t have the same end goal.
Penny pictured me having a life like her and James. Happily married with two kids.
But I didn’t want that. I would never get married. And I’d never have kids. I’d given up on that dream when I buried the love of my life.
“Here you go,” Penny said, setting down my glass and a plate piled high with steaming deliciousness.
“Thanks, Penny.” I grabbed the plate of food instead of downing another glass of scotch. I practically sighed around my first bite. Definitely better than takeout.
“I thought you were coming from work?” Penny asked.
“I did.”
She stared at my sweatpants but didn’t say anything else about it. “So, bad day at the office?”
I shrugged. “Something like that.”
She sat down next to me and pulled her legs up beneath her on the couch. “I was really excited about tonight. Honestly, I’ve been looking forward to it for months. And when you finally didn’t ditch me, I figured it meant you were excited too. But we don’t have to set up a dating profile for you tonight. We can just talk.”
I really would prefer just talking to her. “How are you doing?” I asked. She’d been through a lot. We’d almost lost her. We’d almost lost her baby boy, Liam. And I could see it in her eyes. She was still holding on to something there. And I think maybe when we almost lost her, it reminded me of losing Brooklyn. Maybe that’s why I kept feeling like I saw Brooklyn on the streets. Like my past was somehow swirling with my present.
“I’m good.” She laughed and pretended like she meant it. “I kind of thought we’d talk about why you’re upset today.” She leaned back on the couch, resting her head in her hand. “Or why you keep postponing trying to find your soulmate.”
Soulmate. The word sounded bitter instead of hopeful. I took another bite of casserole to stall. Because talking led to the truth. I wasn’t going to talk to her about Brooklyn. One of the reasons I liked hanging out with Penny was because she didn’t know about my past. “No, let’s go ahead and set up this dating profile you’re so obsessed with.” Besides, actually going through with this was the best pretense I had to keep coming back here and hanging out with her.
“Really?” A huge, crazy smile spread across her face. Fine, she didn’t really look crazy. She was always beautiful. And I could easily imagine pushing her back on the couch. My fingers tangled in her hair. That blush on her cheeks just for me. I’d kiss that smirk right off her perfect face. And I wouldn’t need to go on some stupid dating app and play pretend. I knew for a fact that I’d never find someone. But it wouldn’t be half bad having Penny to keep my bed warm.