“Whatever you want to call it. These messages clearly get under your skin. And if I’ve learned anything in my time on this earth, harboring resentment is no way to live.”
His grand proclamation was a little shaky since he was a few years younger than me. “It’s not just his text that’s bothering me.” I stared down at the glass the bartender had just placed in front of me. “I thought I saw her again.” I didn’t tell him that I almost got in an accident because of it.
Tanner winced. “I’m sorry, man. Did that thing happen again? Where it was hard to breathe?”
I nodded and lifted the glass. “I hate the autumn.” All the memories came flooding back every fall. It was like she was still here.
“It’ll get better. The memories. They won’t feel so painful soon. One day you’ll be able to appreciate the way the fall reminds you of her.”
That was another reason why it was so easy to talk about Brooklyn with Tanner. A girl that he was dating died when he was pretty young too. He didn’t grow up around here. All I knew was that it had something to do with an arranged marriage. His parents were old fashioned or from a different country or something. He never gave me all the details. But I saw the ghosts in his eyes too. It was fine that he didn’t want to talk about it. Sometimes I didn’t want to talk about Brooklyn either.
“You’re sure you shouldn’t see a doctor about that?” he asked. “The trouble breathing thing?”
It was nice to have one person in my life other than my mother that was concerned about me. But I had a handle on this. “I’m not going to see a doctor about having panic attacks caused by visions of my dead girlfriend. They’d lock me up.” Besides, I knew how to make them pass. Brooklyn had taught me how to help her breathe when she used to get panic attacks. Now I could help myself. I didn’t need anyone’s help.
“They won’t lock you up.” Tanner took a sip of his drink and stared straight ahead, lost in thought. “So…did you hang out with Penny tonight before texting me?”
“How did you know that?”
“You always run to Penny when you’re sad. And to me after because you feel guilty about hanging out with her.”
Fair enough. I sighed. “Yeah. I did.”
Tanner’s eyes lit up. “Don’t tell me…you finally got the balls to kiss her.”
Unlike the rest of my friends, Tanner had no loyalty to James. And he had this weird thing about true love. Like what was meant to be was meant to be. Destiny. Fate. All that.
I laughed. “No.” I pressed my lips together. “Almost. I don’t know. She seemed so sad tonight. What the fuck is wrong with me?”
Tanner clapped his hand on my back. “Nothing is wrong with you. It’s normal to not want to be alone when you’re having a shitty day. And Penny’s probably sad because she’s in love with you and trapped in a terrible marriage. If you sleep together, you’ll know for sure.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true. I knew I loved Brooklyn long before we’d slept together. But Tanner had this philosophy that you had to sleep with someone in order to know if it was true love. I believed the opposite. To me sex had nothing to do with love. No strings attached. Just the way I wanted it. Speaking of which. I scanned the bar and locked eyes with a tan brunette laughing with her friends. I could use a distraction tonight. She caught me looking and flashed me a mischievous smile.
“So if you didn’t kiss Penny, what did the two of you do?” Tanner asked.
“She’s setting up a dating profile for me on some stupid app.”
“What?” Tanner leaned forward so that I’d stare at him instead of the brunette with sex eyes. “You’re going to start dating? Why didn’t you tell me? You don’t need a ridiculous dating app. Those things are useless. Their algorithms know nothing about true love. Delete it. I know plenty of single women to set you up with.” Tanner pulled out a binder from…somewhere.
I blinked. I was pretty sure that binder hadn’t been there a second ago. “Where the hell did that come from?” I asked. “Did you walk in here with that thing?”
“Of course I did.” Tanner flipped open to a random page.
“But you…” I shook my head.
He continued scanning the pages, ignoring me.
I’d had too much to drink. But I was sober enough to know that I didn’t want to go through this binder. Because each page he flipped past contained a headshot of a woman accompanied by a detailed profile.
“Ah. Right here.” Tanner pointed to some rando on the page.
“I’m really not interested in your weird binder full of women.” I pulled it away from him and closed it. I didn’t want Tanner’s rejects. Hell, I didn’t even want to date anyone, so this conversation was pointless. “I’m not actually looking for anything. You know that. It’s just a ruse to hang out with her.”
“Oh. Well, that’s brilliant. You get one on one time with Penny to get her to fall in love with you. Nice plan.”
I shrugged. I was pretty sure it was more idiotic than brilliant. And it wasn’t really about her falling in love with me. I just liked spending time with her. And constantly dreaming about fucking her. Yeah, it was a problem. But for some reason I had no desire to squash it.
“Well, if you do go on any dates, make sure you introduce me to the girl before you sleep with her.”
I looked over at him. “Why?”
He shook his head. “Because if you sleep with her it could be true love, and I want to make sure she seems like a good fit. After all, I’ll be hanging out with her a lot too if you get hitched.”
So he willingly wanted to be a third wheel on my dates? I’d been actively avoiding that same scenario with James and Penny tonight. Who actually wanted to be the third wheel? Yeah, Tanner was a weird guy. But he was also my best friend. Which probably made me just as weird. “What about her?” I asked, nodding over to the brunette. “Think she could be a good fit for me?”
“Wingman on duty.” Tanner saluted me before sliding out of his seat. “I’ll go see.” He had the brunette laughing in two seconds flat.
I’d never tell Rob, but Tanner was an even better wingman than him. Women just melted into a puddle at his feet. I would have been jealous of his game if I didn’t think I was just as good.
Tanner whispered something in her ear and she laughed again. And then he walked back over to me, without the girl on his arm. “Nope,” he said and sat back down. “Definitely not a great fit for you.”
Honestly, that sounded perfect to me. I went to stand up to go talk to her.
Tanner grabbed my arm. “Seriously? I just said she isn’t a good fit for you. I told her you owned a finance firm and she asked what a finance firm person does.” He blinked at me. “Finance firm person. Who the hell says that?”
“It doesn’t matter if she understands what I do. I’m not going to marry her, I’m just going to fuck her.”
Tanner shook his head. “I don’t get it. You had young love. You know how wonderful it felt to have that. And now you just never want it again? Don’t you miss it?”