“I’m not an ice cream flavor,” she said, her voice barely a whisper.
I moved slowly, worried she’d shove me away. But somehow moving slowly toward her, over top of her, just made the heat even more palpable. It was like my whole body was on fire. And not in an Ash accident kind of way. I was hovering over her, my lips a fraction of an inch away from hers, when she broke the silence.
“You’ll regret kissing me in the morning.”
“Who said I was going to kiss you?”
She laughed. “Matt…”
I grabbed the side of her face. “Fine. Yeah, I’m going to kiss you.”
There were tears in her eyes now. “You can’t, Matt. We need to pick a movie and eat ice cream before it melts.” But she didn’t push me away.
I dropped my forehead to hers. “I just need to know if you feel this too.”
The sound of her light breathing was speeding up. “Matt, you’re drunk.”
“I’m not that drunk.” I pulled back ever so slightly and traced my thumb along one of her tears. “Why are you crying?”
“Because I’m not her.” Kennedy’s voice cracked. “I’ll never be her.”
“You’re real. You’re here. I can touch you.” I let my hand wander down the side of her neck. “I can taste you.” I felt tears forming in my eyes too. “I’m so sick of chasing a ghost, Kennedy. I don’t want to be stuck anymore. I want you.”
“But you still love her.”
I nodded. I knew what she was getting at. And maybe she was right. But what if she was wrong? “I don’t know if I can ever love someone else.” Why the hell did I say that?!
“Matt.” Her tears fell freely from her eyes now, cascading down her chin.
It felt like I was crying too. But I didn’t think I was. It was like I could feel her tears. Like they were somehow mine. “I’m not okay, Kennedy. I’m really fucking not okay.”
She didn’t say anything.
“But I feel less shitty when I’m with you.”
“I know.” She reached up and ran her fingers gently through my hair. “I feel a lot less shitty when you’re here too. But there’s a 50-50 chance you won’t remember any of this in the morning.”
There was no fucking way I wouldn’t remember kissing this girl.
“And I don’t gamble with my heart anymore,” she added. “I can’t.”
Is that what I was asking her to do? Fuck. It was. I was asking her to take a chance when I just told her I wasn’t sure if I could ever love someone else. And just like that, it wasn’t as easy to breathe again.
“Can we maybe just…” her voice trailed off. “Can we just watch the movie? And if you remember any of this in the morning, maybe we can talk about this more then?”
I wiped away the remaining tears from her cheeks, hating that I’d caused them. “Okay.” Instead of sitting back up though, I lay down behind her, pulling her against my chest. Because if I couldn’t kiss her, I could at least hold her. I needed this. I needed to be next to her.
A very contented sigh escaped her lips.
“Just for the record, I’m not that drunk,” I said from behind her.
She laughed, not caring when my arms tightened around her. “You are. I don’t even think you’d be here right now if you weren’t.”
That wasn’t true. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. And I had to prove that to her. “I’m going to remember to bring this up in the morning.”
“We’ll see about that.” She turned on a movie. I wasn’t sure which one, because I was staring down at the top of her head. And I was hit again with how much she smelled like…home.
She’d said Cupcake had broken her. I didn’t think that was true. But if it was, I was going to be the one to piece her back together. I kissed the top of her head.
“Matt, watch the movie,” she whispered.
I kissed the top of her head again. “Okay.”
“Okay then.”
I continued to stare at the back of her perfect head. I’d been focused on my own problems for long enough. Fixing hers sounded like a better use of time. Besides, maybe it would fix both of us. I really wanted it to fix both of us. I closed my eyes.
Despite what she thought, I would never gamble with her heart. Because I knew how easy hearts were to break.
Chapter 32
Thursday
The sound of someone clearing their throat made me slowly open my eyes.
Mrs. Alcaraz was standing there with her hand on her hip staring down at Kennedy and me intertwined on the couch. She was shaking her head back and forth like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
Shit.
“Mama,” Kennedy groaned, stirring in her sleep. “One more minute.”
Mrs. Alcaraz raised her eyebrow at me. “Omelet?”
Was she asking me if I wanted breakfast or did that mean something in Spanish like…I’m going to kill you for sleeping with my daughter? “Yes?” I replied.
“Sí.” She turned away without another word and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Kennedy,” I whispered and shook her shoulder.
Her eyes flew open and then she smiled. “Whenever I wake up and you’re there it nearly gives me a heart attack.”
Very funny. “Um, your mom is up.”
Kennedy quickly sat up. “Good morning, Mama.”
“Mhm,” Mrs. Alcaraz said. She was already at the stove cooking.
Kennedy put her face in her hands. “Well, that’s embarrassing,” she whispered to me. “She probably thinks we’re sleeping together.” She laughed like that was hilarious.
It wasn’t funny to me. I pulled her hands away from her face. “Is that really that funny?”
“Are you still drunk?” She climbed off the couch. “I need to go freshen up. Make yourself at home.”
“Don’t leave me here…”
But she was already hurrying toward the bathroom.
This was probably the most awkward morning after ever. Especially because we hadn’t even kissed, let alone had sex. And honestly, I never did mornings after. Normally I would have been long gone…shit. I pulled out my phone. Dozens of missed calls from Tanner. He was going to kill me for staying out all night again. I wasn’t used to having a stupid curfew.
“Sit, sit,” Mrs. Alcaraz said before I could figure out what to do.
I didn’t want to tell her no. And maybe this could help me clear up whatever she thought. “We just fell asleep watching a movie, Mrs. Alcaraz.”
She tilted her pan, sliding the omelet perfectly onto a plate, and then handed it to me.
“Thank you.”
For a second we both just stared at each other.
Mrs. Alcaraz sighed and then reached out, putting her hands on both sides of my face. “Mi amor.” She shook her head back and forth. “She just came back home to me. Por favor. Don’t break my Kennedy’s heart and send her running.”
“I won’t.”
“Bueno.” She patted my cheek before letting her hands fall. “Now eat. It’s getting cold.”