It’s also not lost on me that when I graze her leg, my heart speeds up, just a tad.
Why?
We’re friends.
It’s such a small, almost imperceptible moment. It’s probably nothing.
When I pull back to sit how I was sitting before, I notice her cheeks are a pinkish hue, and I can’t remember if that was their color when she came in from the cold or not.
“I’m glad those late nights dancing at the clubs finally came in handy.” I grin.
“There’s no training quite like getting a little tipsy and dancing in the clubs until four a.m. That’s true.”
We lock eyes for a moment and I wonder if she has the same memory of that night, where I had to convincingly play boyfriend with her, and how charged up my body felt touching her.
My phone buzzes, and I glance at the message.
“It’s Ryan. He’s on his way back. So we can commence observations.”
“I did do a little digging this morning,” she says.
“Do tell.”
“Jennifer’s definitely very preoccupied with that rock on her finger. I mean, a slight amount of bragging is fine. But I found her on Instagram this morning and she had posted six pictures of her hand from different angles on her story.” Skylar squints. “And I was thinking further about the way she looked at me last night.”
“I was thinking about the dead eyes, too. Obviously, he would never even think of cheating. So that look is just a sort of controlling move, then?”
“I wouldn’t categorize it as controlling, per se. It means she’s projecting insecurity.”
“I would think she’d feel secure enough having that space rock on her finger. But what do I know about girl world?”
“Have you noticed any other red flags?” she asks.
I chew on my lower lip, because this next bit of information is rather personal. But then I remind myself this is Sky I’m talking to. “Yes. There’s the blow job thing.”
“Blow job…thing?”
“Yes. She stopped going down on Ryan, she even openly jokes about it. ‘Oh honey, blow jobs are a junior year thing.’ You’re not still into those, are you?’ And look, I’m not saying they’re this end-all be all, but isn’t that a little weird?”
Sky chuckles. “Very. Everyone knows that how a woman feels about giving her man a blow job is how she really feels about her man in general.”
I laugh so hard I almost spit out my wine. “Wow. So you’re saying the blow job thing is just the tip of the iceberg? That’s quite the diagnosis.”
Sky shrugs “You can fake an orgasm. You can’t fake enthusiastic head.”
I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t contain my laughter.
“What?” Sky says. “It’s true.”
“God, I haven’t laughed this hard in so long.” I pause, still chuckling, then go on. I’m feeling some real truth in what Sky is saying, too. “Seriously though, I haven’t been able to put my finger on what’s bothering me precisely. Maybe you can help me with that. I just get this feeling like she’s a little too controlling. And the happy-go-lucky Ryan I knew sophomore year when we won the Midwestern Conference baseball championship seems vaguely subdued now. He and Jennifer met each other when we were both abroad fall of junior year. I would have loved to have been here for that, to see their initial dynamic.”
“Hmm.” Skylar taps her nose as she thinks. That’s one of her trademarks. “That’s how I was starting to feel with Federico: subdued. He said he loved me, but some of the things he would ask of me felt more controlling than loving.”
“Exactly! Love shouldn’t be about control. When you’re in love, you should feel free.”
She tilts her head and grins. “Just when I think you’re a frat guy who thinks blow jobs are equivalent to love, you go and say something like that.”
“Actually I think you were the one who said blow jobs are equivalent to love.”
Sky laughs. “Oh. Right.”
“So you agree? When you are in love, you should feel free?”
She nods. “Yes. Love is a paradox. There is freedom within the boundaries of a relationship. That’s true freedom, when it’s done right.”
“So what kind of love did you have with Federico? I mean, what things did he do that made you feel more controlled, than loved?”
I can see the wheels turning in Skylar’s mind. This is what I love about us. We always tend to have these kinds of deep chats when we get together.
Before Skylar can answer, the door to our apartment flings open and Ryan steps inside.
“Hey Skylar!” Ryan says as he comes through the kitchen.
“Hey,” she says, jumping up from the couch and giving him a hug.
Like I said, Sky is just a natural born hugger. She is one of those people who hugs everyone and their brother. Skylar, Ryan, and I hung out together at least a few nights last spring.
She sits back down on the couch, moves onto the middle cushion and pats the seat next to her.
“Come join us.”
Ryan grabs a beer from the fridge and sits down not on the couch but in the easy chair next to us.
“How was the library?” I ask. “Ya nerd.”
“Oh, it was fantastic. Pretty empty since classes don’t even start until Monday. We really got a head start on some readings.”
I cringe. Ryan didn’t always have such a stick up his ass. Not that studying’s not important…but I have a feeling Jennifer is prodding him to keep his grades up this term. Maybe so Ryan’s parents will think she’s a good influence.
“Well that’s great. And what’s Jennifer up to tonight?”
“She’s just staying in at her apartment and recuperating after last night’s festivities. We were up late partying.”
“Oh. Gotcha,” I say.
Skylar chimes in, “Want to come out with us, then?”
“Nah.” He waves a hand. “I have this brunch thing with Jennifer’s friends early tomorrow. Plus, it’s freezing out and I want to catch up on some Netflix shows. Jennifer doesn’t like the new Twilight Zone, so I wanted to watch it while I’m alone.”
He takes a sip of his beer, and Sky and I give each other a look, though I’m not really sure what it says. Then she winks at me, getting a mischievous twinkle in her eye.
“So Ryan,” she says, “Luke and I were having a silly debate and I was wondering if you could help us out.”
“Try me.”
“What is your ideal oral sex frequency in a typical month or week? Silly I know. But we’re doing a Cosmo survey thing we found online.”
I freeze, looking at Ryan’s reaction and holding my wine glass close to my mouth.
“Are you asking how often do I go down on my fiancée? That’s kind of personal, don’t you think?”
“It’s a valid question, my man,” I interject. “And it’s important to be able to chat about these kinds of things.”
I reflect on how once you’re engaged to someone, your sex life is suddenly this taboo topic. It’s this secret thing no one else can know about.
“Well I feel like it’s different for guys and girls,” Ryan says.