But I can’t not tell him.
Last time, I kept everything a secret, making it feel like even more of a betrayal. All the lies that I’d told. All the sneaking around that I’d done.
Even though they’ve all forgiven me — except Conrad — even Ledger, for falling in love with the very guy they’d told me not to, I know that this time it might be much harder.
This time they might not forgive me at all.
But still, I have to tell them, and maybe I should just get this over with. “Uh, it’s —”
“Wait,” Ledger says from the other side of me. “Are you on your weird diet again?”
“What?”
Ledger sits back then, shaking his head. “Holy shit, you’re on your weird diet again.”
“Are you?” Con asks me.
My heart jumps at his question as I swivel my gaze toward him. “Am I what?”
Pregnant.
“On one of your crazy diets,” he asks.
Oh. Right.
I swallow thickly. “No, I don’t do that anymore.” Con looks like he doesn’t believe me and so I insist, “I promise. I don’t.” Then, I turn to Ledger. “I don’t, I swear.”
Ledger stares at me for a beat before his lips twitch and a chuckle breaks out of him.
I eye him suspiciously. “Are you thinking about… that?”
That chuckle becomes a laugh and he has to put down his fork because suddenly, he’s doubling over with it.
I stab my fork at him. “It’s not funny, Ledge.”
He only laughs harder. “Oh fucking Christ…”
“Stop it!”
He doesn’t. “I can’t get his face out of my head.” He snorts. “He fucking pissed his pants.”
I press my lips together to stop myself from laughing even though I know I shouldn’t.
I shouldn’t laugh at him or his face as Ledger said.
Him being my other goofy brother, Shepard.
But it is funny.
So fine, there was this one time when I was on a juice fast and I baked cookies for Shep and Stellan because they were visiting for the weekend. I wanted to do something nice for them, but now I know that I never should’ve done that because I was on a diet and was cranky.
And the aroma of them. The taste of chewy cookies and melted chocolate, gah.
I resisted all evening.
I resisted when Ledger told me that I should at least have one. When he waved it under my nose, jerk, to get me to break. I resisted when Shep made all those moaning noises and Stellan told me sternly to just eat the fucking cookie instead of going through with the crazy diet.
But the good, determined girl that I am, I resisted.
Until everyone went to sleep.
I crept down to the kitchen because it was getting harder and harder to fall asleep and I had ballet class in the morning. I thought that one cookie wouldn’t hurt.
But it turned out someone was already there and as soon as I saw a silhouette, without really thinking about it, I picked up the first thing I saw, a kitchen cleaner, and started screaming and spraying.
Freaking the bejesus out of who I thought was an intruder.
It was only Shep though.
And I’d somehow sprayed him in the eyes and also on the cookie that was half hanging from his mouth. That he had to spit out because he was screaming too. And with all the screaming and shouting, the rest of them woke up and ugh.
It was a whole chaotic thing.
“I think you should call him and apologize again,” Ledger says, laughing. “He’s never going to live that down. He’s been tainted for life. Because his sister tried to kill him for eating cookies.”
And then I can’t stop my own laughter because it was funny, and I guess Ledger is right.
I have scarred Shepard for life.
Now every time he comes around and I make him cookies, they all call him the Cookie Monster.
But my laughter is short-lived because amidst all the snorting and snickering, I hear another deep chuckle.
It’s Con’s.
And I completely freeze.
It’s been so long since I’ve heard it and it fills me with such great joy that I really don’t know what to do. Ledger doesn’t have this problem though because he keeps laughing and sputtering, “Remember what he said, ‘If this gets out, I’ll murder all four of you in your fucking sleep.’”
Con chuckles again. “Yeah. I’d like to see him try.”
Ledger stabs a finger at him. “Hey, I could take you. Come on.” He raises his arms and flexes his biceps then. “Look at these babies, huh.”
Con gives him a bored look. “I could snap you like a twig.”
“Ha! You wish, big bro.”
“Just eat your dinner.”
“You wanna meet me outside?” Ledger challenges. “Come on, let’s go. Let’s end this here and now and see who’s the strongest.” He waves at me then. “Come on, Calls, you can be our witness as I wipe the floor with our big brother and begin my supremacy.”
I burst out crying then.
I know it’s a crazy reaction to my brothers bantering with each other but I can’t help myself. Usually my brothers goof around, especially Shep and Ledger, but it’s been years since I saw Conrad joining them.
And I know it’s because of me.
Because of what I did and how I disappointed my oldest brother.
Maybe I don’t have to tell him, I think wildly.
Maybe Poe was right. Maybe I don’t have to tell anyone anything, not until it’s too late.
“Callie, what’s wrong?” Conrad asks, sitting up in his chair, a thick frown between his brows.
Ledger goes alert too. “Hey, Calls, what’s up? What —”
Sniffling, I wipe off my tears. “N-nothing. I just… I just miss you guys so much. And I don’t get to see you a lot so… yeah, I’m just being silly.”
Ledger relaxes. “Oh well, Con’s got some big news on that very front.”
I sniffle again. “What?”
Ledger gestures at Con and I look at him. Con puts down his fork and straightens up. “They offered me a job. At St. Mary’s.”
“What?”
“As their new soccer coach.”
“Soccer coach?”
Con nods. “I know they have a temporary coach now, Arrow Carlisle. But they want someone permanent because he’s leaving to play for his team and they approached me.”
I know he’s leaving.
It was part of that big scandal with Salem but I… They approached my brother?
“I said yes,” he continues. “I thought it was…” He looks slightly uncomfortable right now. “The past two years haven’t been great and I thought it would be a good move for the future. Me being there. We could see each other. More. Before you go to college next year.”
He said yes.
My brother said yes. Because of me. Because he thought it would be good for us after the awful, awkward two years that we’ve had.