I don’t know what’s worse.
The fact that he’s ready to end the awkwardness and look to the future or the fact that he’s going to take a job at the school that’s going to expel me the second I reveal my secret to them. The school where my secret will spread like wildfire. Where they’ll call me names. Where they’ll gossip about me, tell each other stories about how much of a slut I am.
How stupid I am for getting pregnant in high school.
And my brother is going to be there.
In the midst of it all.
He’ll have to face humiliation on a daily basis.
Because of me.
I can’t let him.
I can’t.
“I’m pregnant.”
It comes out garbled.
Even I don’t understand it. But I know they did. I know that because everything just… stops.
Everything suspends and freezes.
The clinking of silverware and the dishes. The rustle of feet on the floor. The shifting of their bodies in the chairs.
Their breaths.
My own breath.
“Who?”
That growl belongs to Ledger and I wince.
Even though he hasn’t raised his voice. It’s the tone. It’s the knowledge in that tone.
He already knows who.
I press my hand on my stomach. “I —”
“Is it him? Is it that motherfucker?” he asks again in a low voice, and again I flinch.
I half expect Conrad to growl ‘calm down’ at Ledger but he doesn’t. He’s eerily quiet and I want to look at him and ask him to say something.
But Ledger has all my attention. “It is, isn’t it? It’s him.”
“Ledger —”
“Oh Jesus Christ.” He springs up from his seat and he does it so violently that his thighs smack against the table, shaking everything, the dishes, the spoons, the ketchup bottle, the water.
He doesn’t notice it though. He’s looking at me as he walks back.
As if in shock.
And then as if he can’t look at me anymore, he spins around and plows his fingers through his hair.
“Ledge, listen to me, please.”
He turns around at my voice. “Did he force himself on you? Did that asshole do this to you without your permission?”
My eyes go wide. “What? No.” I shake my head. “No. Absolutely not. He didn’t. I was —”
“Willing,” he speaks over me with gritted teeth and flashing eyes. “You were willing. Is that what you’re trying to say? To get fucked by him.”
“Ledger,” I breathe out.
“What?” he spits out. “You can do it. But I can’t say it?”
I blink back tears. “It’s not like that. Please, Ledger.”
He shakes his head again. “I know he’s back in town. And I know he isn’t playing anymore. I heard that. I know he quit right after that fucking championship game that ruined everything. I don’t know why though. But if history is any indication, I bet it has something to do with his dad, doesn’t it?” He laughs, all ugly and angry. “Good. Fucking fantastic. He never deserved to play anyway. He never deserved to go anywhere near a field. He doesn’t love the game like we do. He doesn’t respect it. So yeah, it’s fucking fantastic that he isn’t playing anymore. So what, did he use that on you? To get you to sleep with him, huh? Was this a pity fuck?”
Every word out of Ledger’s mouth is like shrapnel.
It cuts and bites. And makes me want to tell him to stop.
To just stop.
I can’t bear it. I can’t bear to hear the hate in Ledger’s voice.
“No, he did it to… to save me.” I focus on Con then, who’s sitting there with a blank, inscrutable expression. “The deal that he made so I didn’t go to juvie. His dad wanted him to quit soccer in exchange for my freedom and he did it. He works for his dad now.”
He got himself caged because he wanted to gain my freedom.
Then I turn to my other brother, the one who’s breathing heavily, staring at me like he can’t believe I made the same mistake again. “I know you’re angry at him, Ledge, and I don’t expect you to forget all the things that he’s done to you in the past. But —”
“Have you forgotten?” He speaks over me again as if his rage won’t be contained. “What he did to you. How broken up you were, how depressed. How we all had to see you sad. Do you know how difficult it was? Do you realize how fucking hard it was to see you pine over a guy who never cared about you? Who took you for a ride? Who only did what he did to get one over on me?”
I stand up from my seat then.
On shaking legs, I go to him and grab the sleeve of his t-shirt. “No. Absolutely not. I didn’t forget. I can’t, okay? That’s the whole problem. I can’t forget what he did and I can’t forget him and God, Ledger, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for putting you through all that. I never meant to fall in love with him. I never meant to betray you. Please, you have to believe me. You’re my whole world. You guys are my whole world and I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for any of this to happen.”
“But it did.”
Swallowing thickly, I nod.
Ledger studies me for a few long seconds before he jerks his arm out of my grip and begins to walk away. He walks out of the dining room and marches down the hallway, and I call out after him, “Ledger, what are you doing?”
I run after him when he doesn’t answer.
I find him at the front door, turning the knob and stepping out into the November night. I’m about to go stop him when I hear, “You’re not having a baby.”
Like before, everything stops.
My heartbeat. My breath.
I turn around to look at him. My oldest brother, who’s spoken these words. Who’s finally said something after I so tactlessly broke the news to him.
He stands in the living room, just by the leather couch, all tall and broad.
Commanding.
“What?” I whisper.
“You’re not having this baby,” he repeats.
“W-what does that mean?”
A harsh emotion passes through his features. “It means that you’re going to have an abortion.”
I put a protective hand on my belly then. It’s not even a conscious thought. “A-abortion.”
Con eyes my hand on my belly and his chest moves with a sharp breath.
“I’m going to call Dr. Hartley tomorrow,” he says, referring to our longstanding family doctor. “And see if he can recommend a clinic. Something discreet and reputable. I’ll try to get an appointment, probably for this weekend. It will be hard but I need this taken care of as soon as possible.”
“But I —”
“So you can go back to school Monday.”
“But I don’t want you to take care of it.”
His thick brows draw up together and his voice goes even deeper. “Excuse me?”