“Tim . . . this . . . this is my son,” Chris said, and his voice shook.
It was the first time Josh had ever heard a male voice say those words. His chest felt a strange, not-unpleasant ache.
Tim’s eyebrows raised. “Wow. Nice to meet you, man.”
“You too.”
Josh looked at the phone. There they were, father and son, and standing next to each other. That crooked incisor gave it away.
“You have . . .” Chris pointed to his own crooked tooth.
“Yeah.” They looked at each other and smiled, and that ache in Josh’s chest grew.
It was fully dark now, colder than ever. The streetlights cast puddles of light at regular intervals down the road. “Do you need a ride?” Chris asked.
“No, thank you,” Josh said. “I’ll walk.”
“Okay.” His father stood there, an inch or so taller than Josh. “Can I give you a hug?” he asked, and his voice shook.
“I’m not really the hugging type,” Josh said.
“Of course. Sorry. I have no right to ask.”
Don’t be a loser.
“Ah, fuck it. Why not?” he said, and he hugged his father hard, felt the man jerk with a sob. For a second, they just stood there, arms tight around each other.
Then Josh let him go. “Take care, Dad,” he said. He smiled, turned and walked down the street, following the path of light.
28
Joshua
Still month ten
Still the unending month of December
JOSH WAS IGNORING the holidays this year. They were hard to avoid outside in the real world, so he went out as little as possible, still trying to adjust to the fact that he’d met his father, and trying to ignore Christmas.
Lauren had been a Christmas zealot. It felt grotesque that the holiday was happening without her.
Then Jen asked to come over one Saturday afternoon, and Josh said yes instantly. He’d missed her, he realized. The apartment was a mess, even though he’d hired a cleaning lady, a nice woman Asmaa had referred from the Hope Center, but he’d been working a lot, and takeout containers were scattered around. Pebbles was shedding, which didn’t help, so he vacuumed and made the bed. Showered, put on clean clothes, put on coffee and rummaged for cookies or something in his pantry. Ah. Mrs. Kim had brought over those Korean sesame seed cookies, and he seemed to remember that Jen loved them. Yes. He was sure she did.
He hadn’t seen Jen without Darius or the kids for a long time. They’d been a team when Lauren was sick, the two people who loved her the most.
He thought for a minute about his half siblings out in Chicago. It was strangely pleasant to know they were there. His mother had looked at the picture, shrugged, and said, “He looks old.” The subject was then closed. And Josh had put his father’s card in the box with Lauren’s letters, a way for him to tell her he’d done it. He didn’t think he’d ever want to see Christopher Zane again, but you never knew.
The knock came on the door, and Pebbles went wild. She loved everyone, but she greeted Jen with particular joy. Maybe she knew this was as close to Lauren as she could get. Maybe they smelled similar, the two Carlisle sisters.
“Pebbles! Hello, my baby! Hello! I missed you!”
Josh waited, accustomed to the dog getting love first. Eventually, Jen straightened. “Hey, how are you?” Jen said. She hugged him. “Good to see you. Oh! I like what you did here! Is this coffee table new?”
“No. The couch is. You’ve been here since I got it. But the rug is new.” He’d seen it on an auction site Lauren had registered for, and thought it would look nice against the old floors. “Coffee? Cookies? We— I have your favorite. Sumi’s sesame cookies?”
“Oh, yes! No coffee, please. Got some milk? Soy milk? Almond? I’m easy. Oh, wow, this couch is really comfy. I like it.”
It was her way of saying she didn’t mind that he’d changed things. He’d moved stuff around, even put some away. The small vase they’d gotten in Hawaii. A bowl of oval, gray stones, all from the beach on the Cape, each one meticulously chosen by Lauren. He couldn’t get rid of them, but he didn’t have to look at them every day.
Josh plated the cookies, poured himself some coffee and some soy milk for Jen and brought everything to the living room, sitting next to her. “You look good, Jen. How are you doing?”
“Good,” she said, though her eyes instantly teared. “Horrible. I miss her constantly. It’s like a hole in my chest, and I swear I can feel the wind blowing through it.”
He covered her hand with his and said nothing.
“I went to your psychic,” Jen said. She took a cookie and ate it whole.
“How was it?”
“It was good. It’s shocking. So get this. I walk in, right, and I don’t know why I’m there except that I miss her . . .” Her voice choked off, and she took a swig of milk. “And immediately, Gertie says, ‘Your sister is showing me a newborn baby. Are you pregnant?’” Jen started to cry. “And I am, Josh. Not even a month, but I am. You’re the first person I’ve told, outside of her and Darius.”
She turned to him and buried her face against his chest, sobbing, and he put his arms around her. “I’m so happy for you,” he whispered as she bawled. “This is great news.”
His wife would never know this baby, never hold her, never kiss her, never even have a photo with her. He understood Jen’s tears. His own were seeping into her hair.
“I hate that life is going on without her,” Jen said wetly. “I hate it.”
He wanted to agree, because he knew exactly how she felt. He gripped Jen by her shoulders and made her look at him. “This is wonderful, and no one would be happier than Lauren. Except maybe me.” He squinted at her. “You know, I’m thinking Josh is a beautiful name. It’s time for me to have a namesake, and I’m totally available as godfather.”
It wasn’t great patter, no. But he was trying. He could not let Jen feel anything but joy radiating from him. He had to look after her. She was his family.
“What if it’s a girl?” she said, taking in that shaking breath that meant she was done crying.
“Josie? Joshilyn? Joss? We can figure something out.”
She laughed, and Josh’s heart contracted. Lauren would appreciate that. She’d be grateful that he made her sister smile.
“Jen,” he said, “this thing about me being your brother-in-law, you being my sister-in-law . . .”