“Yeah. You fainted! How are you now? I mean, obviously, you lived. But you were okay?”
“Yes. A little dehydrated, that was it.”
“Good. I’m glad.” She stood there a minute, smiling at him.
“You gonna put that drink order in sometime? Like, ever?” said one of the patrons at the table. Christmas tended to bring out the worst in people, Josh observed.
“Yes! Sorry! I will. Right now.” She smiled again at Josh.
“How’s Duffy?” he asked, a little shocked that he remembered the dog’s name, then internally winced. The dog had to be dead by now.
“He’s great! Thank you for asking! The vet gave him these supplements and some steroids. He’s like a new dog. Seriously. It’s like he’s thirteen again.”
How old was that dog? “Good. Oh, and your brother?” He’d had that condition where his joints popped out. Ehlers-Danlos, that was it.
“Oh, my gosh, you’re so sweet to remember. He’s good! Thank you.”
“Well. Happy holidays.”
“You too! Happy New Year!”
“Were you talking to a woman?” Radley asked when they were finally out on the sidewalk.
“Yes. We go to the same vet.”
“Well, good for you, Joshua,” Radley said. “Hey, it’s snowing! Beautiful, isn’t it?”
“It is.”
Lauren had loved the snow. She used to stare out the windows in the darkened apartment and watch, sipping cocoa.
Her memory was everywhere.
“I’ll see you on Christmas Eve, okay?” he said. “I’ll text you my mom’s address.”
“Thanks, brother,” Radley said. He held up his wrist. “I’m never taking this off.”
* * *
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, Radley arrived at Stephanie’s promptly at five thirty, wearing an appropriately dapper suit for someone who worked in a men’s clothing store. His arms were loaded with packages.
“It’s so nice to meet you!” Stephanie cried, taking off her apron. She was wearing her Free Mom Hugs T-shirt with a rainbow heart, in case anyone missed the fact that she was very accepting, and hugged Radley tight. “I’m so glad you’re here! Thank you for being my son’s friend! I know he’s a burden.” She sent Josh a smug look that clearly said, I delight in embarrassing you in front of your friends.
“Wow, Mom,” Josh said, but he smiled. It was all so normal.
“I’ve been dying to meet you, Ms. Park. Josh says you’re the world’s greatest mom. Is this true?”
“It is! Oh, Josh, thank you, honey. Also, Radley, you have to call me Steph. Or Mom, if you like, honey. Joshua says your family lives far away? So sad at Christmastime.”
“Well, unlike yourself, they’re homophobic assholes, so not that sad.” His eyes met Josh’s, and Josh gave him a chin jerk, acknowledging that he understood the white lie. It was sad. “But Joshua has officially adopted me as his brother, so I guess you totally are my mom.”
“How about another hug, then!” Stephanie said, and Radley got a second, longer hug. When they broke apart, Radley had tears in his eyes. Josh gave him a manly lean-in hug and introduced him around to those who had not yet met his buddy.
It was quite a crowd—the Kims, who’d have their own kids over tomorrow; Jen, Darius, Sebastian and Octavia; Donna and her now-steady boyfriend Bill; and Sarah with some guy she’d dug up (he could already tell it wouldn’t last); as well as three people from his mother’s lab who didn’t have family in the area.
Bill, whom Joshua had never met, was holding Octavia, and while he seemed like a perfectly nice guy, it gave Josh a pang. The familiarity, the contagious sadness that it was not Lauren’s father who was here, that Donna’s boyfriend would never know her daughter.
“The legendary son-in-law,” Bill said, shifting the baby so he could shake Josh’s hand. “I’ve heard so many great things about you. Merry Christmas.”
“Really nice to meet you,” Josh said, faking good cheer. “And, um . . . same! Great things.”
It was crowded and noisy; Sebastian was strung out with excitement, making Octavia overly excited, too. The strangers from the lab were all very chatty and conversational, Darius and Radley were apparently in competition to become his mother’s favorite son, bending over backward to help and compliment her. Donna and Bill were trying to keep Octavia happy, Jen was busy checking NORAD with Sebastian, the Kims were trying to woo his mother into taking another vacation with them, and now telling Donna she should come, too.
Guess they were all in the acceptance phase.
Suddenly, the red tar rose in his vision. How dare everyone be happy? This was Lauren’s holiday. The first Christmas without her, goddamnit. He wanted to bellow out his rage and pain; he wanted to kick Darius, who was telling some story that had half the room howling with laughter; he wished Sebastian would quiet the fuck down; he hated that his mother had done everything she always did on Christmas Eve. Where was the space for Lauren? Where was the acknowledgment? He didn’t want to soldier on. He wanted to . . . break something.
He pictured himself standing under cold water, cooling the rage. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Cold water. Yes. The waterfall in Hawaii they’d hiked to. That cold water, Lauren in a bathing suit, giggling as she wrapped herself around him.
Oh, Lauren.
Ben came over. “Need to step outside, son?” he murmured, a firm hand on his shoulder.
Just like that, the red was gone. Josh was being an ungrateful ass. All these people loved him, and he was about to have a meltdown like an overtired toddler. He glanced at Ben, shook his head. “Sorry. I was just . . . having a moment.”
“It’s understandable, Josh. We’re all thinking of her. All doing our best.”
“I know.”
“Honey, would you put the gubbröra in the red bowl?” his mother asked him with a perceptive look.
“Sure thing, Mom.”
He nodded at Ben and did as he was told.
Over dinner, Jen’s pregnancy was announced, and they all drank champagne, with apple juice for the mama-to-be and kids.
Then Jen raised her glass and said, “To my sister,” and they drank again, and Jen started crying, which made Donna cry, and Octavia joined in, and soon everyone was crying.
Except Josh (and the lab people). The tears didn’t come. He couldn’t talk around the lump in his throat or the ache in his chest. He nodded at the table, then picked up Octavia and brought her in to see the Christmas tree.