He was so tired. So tired of Lauren being dead. So tired of grief. Tired of well-wishers and hugs and a family that didn’t have Lauren in it anymore.
Sarah came in and put her arms around him and Octavia. Didn’t say anything, just leaned her head on his shoulder, and the ache in his chest became a knife, a dull, serrated knife that just about killed him.
Merry fucking Christmas.
“Thank you, Sarah,” he murmured. The lights on the tree winked, and Josh felt a hundred years old.
* * *
HE’D BEEN SMART enough to turn down invitations for Christmas Day, though his mom had hounded him to go to church with her, and Jen had pleaded with him to come watch the kids open their presents (at six a.m.). The forum had told him he could do whatever he wanted this first year of holidays without her, and so without much thought, he found himself heading east on I-195. Pebbles slept in the back seat, occasionally rousing to press her nose against the window.
The sky was gray, and there was no snow on the ground. Once he passed New Bedford, there were hardly any cars. Everyone was already where they were supposed to be. Everyone but him.
The Cape was quiet for the season, and the house they’d rented last summer was unoccupied. The shades were drawn, giving off a melancholy, lonely look. He pulled into the driveway, got out, and the smell of the ocean hit him hard. The thunderous crash of the surf brought him right back to the last time he’d been here. When he was still a husband. When his mission in life was to look after his wife.
Would the code to the door lock still work? Should he peek in the windows? No. It would hurt too much to see this place, empty without her laugh, her smile, her sparkliness.
Pebbles ran delightedly around the outside of the house, peed, then raced down the steep path to the beach. Josh followed. The smell of salt was strong, and the ocean was wild and beautiful, thanks to a full moon tonight and a tropical storm down the coast. Waves broke as far as he could see, a roiling white surf in a pounding, ceaseless roar. Pebbles fruitlessly chased a flying seagull, then found a stick and ran around with it, playing fetch with herself, dashing into the waves, then darting back.
Josh sat on the damp sand and looked at the view.
He could walk into that water and be dead of hypothermia in a relatively short time. Or drown, though he’d prefer hypothermia. The water was probably just above freezing, and he didn’t have a lot of body fat. If he swam out far enough, nature would take him. And wouldn’t it be appropriate, to die here? Would Lauren come for him the way she had imagined her father would come for her? Would they finally be together again?
What did he really have in this life that was worth keeping?
A lot, he knew, thinking of Octavia’s soft warmth in his arms, of Jen’s love, his mother’s constancy. Ben and Sumi. Radley. Darius. Sarah. All of them. Pebbles, who well might follow him into the ocean and drown herself, and he couldn’t let that happen.
But he stared at the crashing waves just the same.
He imagined going back up to the house, and instead of it being empty and cold, everyone was there. Lauren, healthy and pregnant, her whole family, all of his. Instead of last night’s exhaustion, it would be so happy. So filled with joy. Because that’s what Lauren did. She made the world happy. Everyone who knew her was better because of it. The house would smell so good, and they’d laugh, and he’d hug her and put his hand on her stomach, and after everyone had left, they’d go into their bedroom and make love to the sound of the waves.
He bent his head. I miss you, he thought. I miss you so much. I don’t want to live without you anymore, Lauren. I’ve done a good job, haven’t I? Please come back. The letters are running out, and I need you. I can’t live without you anymore. It’s too hard.
He got up, walked to the water’s edge and stood there. A wave sloshed over his shoe, the bite of the Atlantic at first sharp, then numbing. He took a step in, his ankles and shins instantly frigid. Pebbles barked in delight, leaping next to him. Another step, so that the waves crashed above his knees. The undertow was strong, and when it tugged at him, he backed out.
“Come on, Pebbles,” he said, and she obeyed. The wind was fierce, and his ears burned with the cold. He didn’t want Pebbles to get too cold. He certainly didn’t want her to be sucked out by the ocean.
They walked back up the path to the house. Josh let Pebbles into the car, and she decided then it was time to shake. With his shoes still squishing water, his pants plastered to his legs, he started the car and drove home as the darkness deepened.
29
Lauren
Fifty-one months left
November
Dear Dad,
I hope you’ve been watching, because you’re going to be a father-in-law again pretty soon! Sure, sure, Darius is perfect, but I’m 10,000 percent sure you’re going to love Josh just as much.
I’m in love, Daddy! First time ever, not counting Orlando Bloom (who will always have a corner of my heart, of course). But everything I ever hoped for is here with Josh. Everything. He makes me feel safe. Cherished. Beautiful. Like nothing bad could ever happen as long as we’re together.
Check us out, Daddy. I know you’ll approve.
Love,
Lauren
Fate. Destiny. Guardian angels. Tarot cards. Voodoo.
Whatever the case, Lauren knew that dating Joshua Park was just a formality. As soon as she saw him at the Hope Center, she knew—she just knew—he would be hugely important in her life. Their first date had only confirmed that. She had a lot to learn about the details of his life, but he was, as they say, the one.
They were extremely different. He worked alone, staring at his computer screen, headphones on, talking with a slew of subcontractors he rarely saw in person. He had one employee, a virtual assistant named Cookie, whom he’d never met but who handled things like his travel arrangements, meetings, billing and other mysterious assistant things. His business card said only Joshua Park, Biomedical Engineer.
In the years since their first and less-than-pleasant meeting, Joshua had gotten a master’s of science with a focus on biomedical design from Brown and a PhD in mechanical engineering from MIT. You know. As one does. That thing he’d designed when he was eighteen, in his second year at RISD, because of course he started college young . . . that thing was a special chair geared for people who had to sit for long periods of time due to mobility issues. The chair monitored the occupant’s heart rate, blood oxygen level and weight; provided moisture detection in case of incontinence, excessive sweating or edema leakage; and had vibration settings to stimulate lower extremity circulation. It could cool or warm the person seated in it, and could also boost them out if they wanted it, and lower them back in. It was also quite comfy and fun, which Lauren knew, because it was one of two chairs in Joshua’s apartment.