I don’t want that to be your life now, Josh. And so . . .
I think you should buy a house. That’s my job for you this month, honey. Start looking for houses. One with a yard for Pebbles, grass for you to cut, a garden where you can grow tomatoes, because you love tomatoes fresh from the vine, warm from the sun. I want you to have neighbors to wave to, and I want you to shovel some old lady’s walk when it snows. I want little kids to ring your doorbell on Halloween. I want you to walk out to the mailbox and chat with the nice folks across the street. Our apartment was great, but it’s pretty isolated, and even I couldn’t win over that couple from the second floor. Plus, Creepy Charlotte scares me (if she’s your second wife, I’m going to kill you, FYI).
He laughed out loud. Creepy Charlotte had opened her door the other night the second Josh had come home from a run. She was wearing a towel only. “Did you knock?” she’d asked.
“Absolutely not,” he said, running up the stairs before the towel could “slip.” He’d definitely gotten better at reading people this past year.
What do you think, babe? You don’t need to buy a house right now (but you can afford it, don’t forget). Maybe just start looking. Take Sarah. She loves open houses.
It’s a way to start thinking about a life separate from where we lived so happily together. Because that life is in the past now. It’s time to start making something new.
I love you so, so much, Joshua Park.
Lauren
He thought a minute.
Shopping for houses . . . sure. It was fun. He liked seeing open houses, just like anyone.
But leaving this place? That life wasn’t past! She was wrong. His life was right here, in the place where they’d lived. He’d bought the new couch, the new bed, as she’d asked.
But it was not time to leave.
He wadded up the letter and threw it across the room, whereupon Pebbles leaped on it. Josh cursed, got up and took it out of her drooly mouth, smoothed it out and looked at it. Some of Lauren’s handwriting smeared, which made him feel like utter shit.
He pulled out the ironing board and iron and smoothed the letter out. “I’m sorry,” he said. Pebbles wagged her tail and barked.
He knew Lauren wanted the best for him. He also knew that a lot of her suggestions had done some good. Seeing his father had put to rest some of his feelings. Kissing Cammie had been pleasant enough. Buying new clothes had brought Radley into his life.
But leave the apartment where they lived together? Where they’d made love and cooked and watched movies and figured out her care? He couldn’t imagine it. He didn’t want to feel more distant from her.
A new couch and bed was one thing. A new place? Every corner of the apartment was infused with her. It was a shrine in some ways—the photos of her, the paintings she’d chosen, the towels, the napkins. Everything was a reminder of loss as well as of Lauren. Anything new was similarly in her memory—I bought this when my wife had been dead for six months and four days. I bought this to hang where our wedding photo was. It hadn’t erased her in any way; it had made her absence all the more noticeable.
Time for the punching bag now.
* * *
“I DON’T WANT to live somewhere else,” he said to Ben a few hours later.
“Yeah, those fists are telling a story,” said Ben, smiling kindly. “Try to wrap up next time.”
They were sitting in the basement of the Kims’ house, Ben’s man cave all these years, a place where Josh had spent many hours building things from the bits of metal and wood Ben offered him. The room smelled faintly of spices with a hint of smoke from their fireplace upstairs. It was one of the places Josh felt safest in the world.
But not tonight.
Ben handed him a length of wire, thin enough that Josh could twist it. Yes. It was good to have something to do with his hands. Better than a fidget spinner, anyway. Ben knew him well.
“You’ll never be ready, son. But you’ll do it anyway. And after some time passes, it won’t feel so wrong.”
“I don’t want time to pass,” Josh admitted in a low voice, not looking up. “Every day is a step away from her.” His voice broke, just a little. The image of her last day flickered at the edges of his brain, and he shoved it away. Twisted the wire. Bent it. Threaded it through a loop. Lauren on the beach, on the bed, on their wedding day. Anything but that last day.
Ben said nothing, but another moment later Josh felt the older man’s hand on his shoulder.
Ben was right. There was nothing to say. Time would pass. Time had already left him behind. He handed the wire, now a small box with a lid, to Ben and stood up. “You’re right. Thanks, Dad,” he said, and for a second—just a fraction of a second—he could smell his wife’s perfume. He headed for the door.
“Hey.” Ben’s voice stopped him. “You don’t get to call me Dad and then leave without a hug.”
Josh wasn’t a hugger. Well, he didn’t used to be. Seemed like he was getting pretty good at it. Ben’s eyes were shiny when they pulled apart. He patted Josh on the cheek, and Josh smiled.
Nice to have someone who didn’t need a lot of words. Nice to have a father who understood him so well.
* * *
FRANK THE REALTOR had just about squealed when he heard Josh’s budget, which Josh had given as “probably not more than $2 million.”
“I have plenty to show you,” Frank said breathlessly. “When are you free?”
Josh called Sarah and Radley to see if they wanted to come along. “Oh, my God, absolutely,” Radley said. “It’ll be the only time I get to see inside some of these beauties.”
Sarah, too, was thrilled. “I love seeing other people’s houses,” she said as they approached stop number one.
“Such a voyeur,” Radley said.
“Exactly.”
“Hello!” said the Realtor, cantering over to meet them. “Joshua Park? So nice to meet you! I’m Frank!”
“Gay,” Radley muttered. “He’s eye-fucking me already.”
“He’s eye-fucking Josh’s bank account,” Sarah murmured.
Josh ignored the naughty children and got out, shook hands and introduced his friends. “They’re—”
“We’re getting married, and Josh is buying us a house!” Radley exclaimed, gripping Sarah’s arm. “So generous!”
“Really, Josh, you didn’t have to. But we’re grateful,” Sarah added, fixing Radley’s hand so they looked more natural.