Another message bubble popped up from Starr. Guess what Junie is.
Leah thumbed out, Gia?
Starr’s response came immediately. Yup! I think your little girl has a wild side.
Leah sent a laughing emoji and headed home. For the first time since losing River, she took the route that led to the sight of the accident. Her chest constricted as she passed the convenience store where they’d seen Tank, and River’s voice whispered through her mind. I can defend you, you know. I’m not a little kid anymore. She swallowed hard. If only she’d let him talk to Tank, they might have missed that truck.
The road that crossed the water came into view. Her heart raced, and her hands began to shake and sweat. She pulled onto the shoulder of the road and threw the car into park, the split seconds of the accident playing out in her head like a horror movie—River’s scream as the truck impaled them, being hurled into the water, and the soul-crushing panic that followed. She threw open her door, the brisk October air stinging her lungs. Tears soaked her cheeks as she stumbled toward the grass, still torn up from the emergency vehicles. She was surprised to see a wooden cross with River’s name on it sticking out of the ground where Tank had tried to revive him, surrounded by remnants of dozens of bouquets, and a number of cards and candles. She clutched her locket as images of Tank trying to revive River assaulted her. She closed her eyes against memories of Baz and a fireman trying to pull Tank away and Tank breaking free, refusing to give up on her brother.
She turned her face up to the opaque sky, tears swamping her. Are you up there watching me, Riv? I miss you every single minute of the day. I miss your stupid jokes, the way you always made us all laugh. I miss seeing you with the girls and hearing you sing and play the guitar. I listen to your videos a lot. I’ve turned into your biggest groupie. She laughed softly, knowing he would laugh, too.
“If you’re watching us, then you know about Tank. You’d like him, Riv. He’s…” She searched for the right words, but there were too many. “He’s like us, and he loves the girls so much. He doesn’t use those words, but I feel his love in my bones, and they’re crazy about him.” She swiped at her tears. “I am, too.”
She rubbed her thumb over the locket, gazing up at the clouds. “I need your help, Riv. Do you remember when I had to let go of Dad enough to move on?” Sobs tumbled out, and she crumpled to her knees in the grass. “I hate this,” she choked out. “I won’t ever let you go, and I’ll never let the girls forget you. You know that. But we have all these changes coming. The girls have to go to a sitter when I go back to work, and I know you’d spin that to something positive and talk about friendships and the fun they’ll have.” She rocked forward and back, tears pouring down her cheeks. “But I feel like I’m standing on the corner of our old life and mine and the girls’ futures.” She craned her neck, eyes closed, her throat and chest swelling painfully. “I know you trust me, but I wish”—you were here—“you could send me a sign letting me know it’s okay to move forward, because I have to.”
She sat there among the remnants of a lifetime lost forever as the brisk air stung her cheeks and tears tore from the depths of her being, listening, hoping, praying for a sign that never came.
“YOU HEADING HOME?” Gunner asked after church.
“To Leah’s. You?” Tank straddled his bike. He’d hung around for a game of pool after the meeting, and he wanted to get home to her. He’d picked up the pictures from the weekend, and he knew she’d go crazy over them.
“Steph asked me to stop by her parents’ house. She’s getting shit out of their attic.”
“Tell her folks I said hello. I’ll see you ’round.” Tank put on his helmet, cranked the engine, and cruised out of the lot.
The lights were out in Leah’s cottage, save for the kitchen and the one in River’s bedroom. Shit. Tank gritted his teeth and grabbed the pictures from the saddlebag on his bike, heading up the walk. After the toll putting away the guitar had taken on Leah, he’d wanted to be with her when she went through the rest of River’s things.
He heard her crying as he opened the door and headed for the stairs, passing the memorabilia for his mother’s memory blanket spread out on the couch and coffee table. He took the stairs two at a time, wishing he hadn’t stayed for that game of pool. When he reached the attic, his gaze swept over open drawers, an empty cardboard box, a trash bag, papers, CDs, and other shit. Leah looked up from where she sat in the middle of River’s bed, tears streaming down her face, the clear plastic bag of River’s belongings from the hospital in her lap.
Fuck.
He went to her, dropping the pictures on the bed, and gathered her in his arms. “I’ve got you, babe. I’m here.”
“It’s all my fault,” she cried against his chest. “I never should have let him go out that night.”
“Don’t do that to yourself, baby.”
“It’s true.” She pushed from his arms. “The last few times River went out, I had this strange feeling, like I missed him even before he’d left. I thought it was because he was growing up and getting a life. But I had it wrong. It was because the accident was coming.”
“Lee, you couldn’t have known that.”
She swiped at her tears. “I’ve had enough dreams and weird feelings come true that I should have thought harder about it.”
“I won’t let you put that guilt on yourself. River wouldn’t want that. For all we know, those feelings really were because he was growing up, and you missed the times when you and the girls were his whole world. We can’t rewrite the past, babe, and picking it apart isn’t going to change it. Take it from a guy who spent years trying.”
She lowered her eyes, tears sliding down her cheeks. “My head knows you’re right, but my heart doesn’t.”
“Look at me, sweetheart.” He cradled her face in his hands, wiping her tears with the pads of his thumbs, her pouty lower lip gutting him. “I know you’re hurting, but you’re not alone anymore. You don’t have to tackle the hard stuff by yourself. I told you I’d go through River’s things with you.”
“I was going to wait until you got home, but then I got the mail.” Her voice cracked. “There was a letter from River’s school saying he was losing credit because he’d missed too many classes. I just…” Tears flooded down her cheeks, and she buried her face in his chest, racked with sobs.
Damn it. “I’m sorry, Lee. I didn’t think about that. I should have notified his school.”
“No. I should have.”
He held her tighter. “Either way, I still don’t understand why you didn’t wait for me to come up here.”
She turned sad eyes up to him. “Because I stopped by the site of the accident today after seeing Corinne.”
“You went there alone? Jesus, baby. I would have gone with you.”
“I know you would, but I wasn’t thinking,” she said sharply. “I just ended up there. I’m setting up babysitting and going back to work soon, and you and I are getting closer. I needed to talk to my brother, to get…I don’t know. Closure.” She wiped her eyes. “I asked him to send me a sign that I was doing okay in this life without him so I could go through his stuff and move forward. I thought the letter was the sign, that he was telling me to tie up loose ends.”