A deep breath was something that had become difficult to do under the duress of the breaking of my heart once again. At least that is what it felt was happening. Something utterly horrific inside me was exploding and I feared I may not survive it.
In that moment, an arm came around me and I heard Nicholas speak, but I wasn’t sure exactly what it was he said. Then we were walking, he and I. We were leaving the ballroom or perhaps the house. I did not know for sure. I was just relieved that I was being taken away from the crowd, the noise, from… Ashington’s eyes so full of disbelief.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him,” I said.
“He was going to find out eventually,” Nicholas replied.
“But perhaps it shouldn’t have been here, me, in that moment,” I said the words as I thought them.
“I do happen to agree with her. I don’t think that was the best idea,” Aunt Harriet said, and I then realized she was following us.
“Are we leaving?” I asked, then realizing we had indeed walked out the front entry way.
“Yes, I think tonight we have given the ton quite enough to talk about. Don’t you?” Nicholas said with a smile that did not meet his eyes.
“We did?” I asked.
Nicholas brushed my cheek with the back of his hand. “More so than they’ve had in years.”
There were so many things I should have been concerned with in that moment. Ashington was not one of them… yet he was there in my thoughts, crowding out all others.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Earl of Ashington
When the door to 18 Mayfair opened, I did not even know the time. For I had not slept all night. I had spent most of it pacing the floor. There was no well laid plan or thought through speech I had come here to give. I had simply been unable to stay away any longer. There were few things that I was absolutely certain of in this life. Right now, I faced losing one of those things because I knew without a doubt that I was in love with Miriam Bathurst and there would never be another woman I loved as deeply as I did her.
“Lord Ashington,” the butler began, but I did not wait to be sent away until later when the family was ready for visitors. I could not wait any longer.
“I am very sorry,” I said as I walked past the man and into the foyer.
“Lord Ashington, if you will wait here, I will go get Lord Wellington. He is having breakfast but-”
“That won’t be necessary,” I replied. “Where is Miss Bathurst?” I asked.
“She isn’t awake-”
“Yes, I am,” she interrupted.
I spun around to see her standing on the third stair from the floor dressed in a morning gown, looking as if she were a gift from God if I, in fact, believed in a higher being. She did not appear well-rested and the weariness in her eyes made me want to gather her in my arms and hold her and protect her. The emotions churning within me were so out of control with my sleep-deprived brain I was not sure I could trust myself to take one step in her direction.
“Lord Ashington,” she said then. “How can I help you?”
“You can’t marry Nicholas,” I blurted out. There were no eloquent words or proclamations of love like I had intended. Instead, I went directly to the point, which I could tell by the way her eyes heated was a mistake.
“I do not need your permission and neither does Nicholas,” she replied with her chin jutted out and her shoulders straight.
Sighing, I tried to regain my focus. I did not come here to get thrown out. “I am sorry, that is not at all what I meant and not how I should have said it. I’ve not slept and-” I stopped because I realized that I now sounded as if I were about to ramble like a deranged drunkard.
“What is all the noise… Lord Ashington!” Lady Wellington entered the foyer, her eyes wide with surprise at the sight of me. I could not say I blamed her. “Lord Ashington, your hair is… it is standing up all over… are you unwell?”
I was beginning to believe I was in fact unwell. As for my hair, I hadn’t thought about it, but there was a chance I had ran my hands through it while pacing most of the night.
“Good morning, Lady Wellington. I am sorry to stop by so early,” I said, noticing then that she wasn’t wearing any slippers. Her toes were peeking out from her day gown.
“I would invite you to join us for breakfast but with the circumstances that might be-” She didn’t finish that sentence and then looked at Miriam.
“He was just leaving. He came to tell me I couldn’t marry Nicholas, which he has no power for such a proclamation,” Miriam told her aunt then looked back at me with a challenge in her gaze.
“You are right. I do not have the power to tell you who you can and cannot marry. That is not why I came. I am here, Miriam Bathurst, because I am in love with you and I cannot bear to lose you. When I say that you cannot marry Nicholas, it is because I love you. You consume my thoughts, you fill the void inside me, and I never believed that I would feel this way about anyone. Please, Miriam, don’t marry Nicholas. Whatever he feels for you, it is not to the depths of what I feel. You own me.”
Silence was only but for a moment.
“Oh my,” Lady Wellington blurted out loudly.
I kept my eyes locked on Miriam who continued to stand as stiff and determined as she had been before my proclamation of undying love. Something I never thought I’d find myself doing. Yet here I was doing just that.
“Nicholas asked me to marry him. I believe his feelings run deeper than you give him credit,” she said.
Nicholas may have asked for her hand but so had I. I needed the confirmation that she did not know of my meeting with her uncle and my request to marry her. I now had it, yet I did not want to be the one to tell her of that meeting. I wanted nothing more than to have Miriam in my life and by my side forever and with her would come her family. She had no father, but she had an uncle and she cared for him. She respected him. Unsure how to explain myself without telling her the exact truth would be almost impossible.
“He asked for your hand in marriage first,” Alfred Wellington’s voice filled the room.
I did not take my eyes from Miriam. I watched as she looked at her uncle, clearly confused by his words. Over the past two weeks, I had thought many things of Alfred Wellington and none of them were fond thoughts. The man had so bluntly informed me that he did not care that I was an earl. I was not good enough for his niece. She deserved more than to just be the mother of my bastard. Hearing Emma called a bastard had been all it took to end my request. I had left 18 Mayfair without another word.
“What do you mean?” Miriam asked at the same time her aunt asked, “WHAT?” rather hysterically.
Wellington sighed and shot a look in my direction. I then met his gaze and waited to see what it was he was going to tell Miriam. The truth was I never said what all I had come to say that day. His accusation about Emma and my temper had been enough to end our meeting. I realized too late I should have stayed and pled my case. Perhaps if he had known the depths of my feeling, he would have changed his mind.
“Twas the day after we returned from Chatwick Hall. The two of you took Whitney for a stroll in the park and Lord Ashington arrived to speak with me.” He glanced at his wife briefly then at Miriam. “He asked for your hand then, but we had just seen the girl. He had made no explanation for her and expected you to just accept he was keeping his bastard child. I believed he was searching for a wife to mother the child and I wanted more for you than that. I want you to have what your aunt and I have. I want you to be loved, Miriam. You deserve more.”