Oh God, I did.
I took a long drink of my lemonade then looked at my aunt, who was watching the dancing with a stricken look on her face. “I’ve found my head aches, Aunt Harriet, and I need to retire for the evening.”
She swung her gaze to mine, eyes wide with both relief and concern. “Oh dear,” she gasped.
“Nothing to get worked up over. Except the fact I shall be known as the girl who leaves the ball much too early,” I assured her.
“Shall I walk you out?” Nicholas asked with a worried tone that matched my aunt’s. With the two of them fussing over me, I would soon have a headache if I didn’t get out of this place.
“That won’t be necessary, Nicholas. Thank you. Please enjoy what is left of the evening,” I replied with a smile for all those who found my actions of interest tonight.
Wanting nothing more than the safety of my bedroom, I walked as slowly and with as much grace as I could toward the exit. Keeping my head held high, I smiled at those who made eye contact with me and continued on my way. They wanted me to look defeated for that was their way. I may feel broken inside, but they would not have the satisfaction of knowing it.
The music had stopped, and I was sure at this moment, Lord Ashington was escorting Lydia Ramsbury from the dance floor. Perhaps he was asking her if she needed some fresh air for it was rather stuffy inside the ballroom. She would smile and agree. They would then make their way out to the gardens to talk of things that were proper. All very regal and worthy of his rank.
The image made me want to toss rotten fruit at their heads.
Aunt Harriet’s hand clasped mine silently as we waited on our carriage to be brought around. For once, she said no words since the time I had known her. Even she realized there wasn’t much that could be said.
I wondered what it was that I had done so wrong. Did my knowing about Emma cause this? Was he unable to forgive me for not telling him that I had met Emma in the forest and not told him? How ridiculous it was if that were so. Did he have a plan for introducing Lydia Ramsbury to Emma? For I doubted she would take it so well. Had he thought of that when he decided she was the one he was to court?
The tightness in my chest twisted and I took a deep breath, inhaling the cool evening air. I may never have answers and if that was what was to be then it just was. I had a purpose. I was here for a reason and falling in love with an earl had not been on my agenda at all.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Earl of Ashington
A visit to 7 Grosvenor this morning was not where I wanted to be going. The more time I spent with Lydia, the more obvious it became that she would not fit into my life. Perhaps if there hadn’t been, no. It was not fair to Lydia for my thoughts to always go back to Miriam.
The sunlight was sparse as I stepped outside hidden behind the clouds that promised rain. The day would be as dreary as my soul felt. How fitting. Last night had been enough torture for one year, let alone one night, yet I had prevailed.
“Ashington, off so soon?” Nicholas’s voice snapped my thoughts from my dark future and into my dim present. His strides as he made his way toward me were purposeful and the look on his face said he had rather plant his fist firmly between my eyes than speak to me. Typically, I would be annoyed by his interruption in my life, but at the moment, he was causing me to stall something I was in no hurry to do.
“Good Day, Nicholas,” I replied, wondering if we were to give London new gossip for their papers with a brawl on my front lawn.
“Fuck your good day, Ashington,” he snarled. “I’m not here for pleasantries as you are aware. We can’t stand the sight of each other.”
I nodded in agreement. “Then how can I help you?” I asked, already knowing this had everything to do with Miriam. His objective had been clear as I watched him champion her last night. He had been doing it to get to me. It had worked. I had wanted nothing more than to break his hand every time he touched her.
“How can you help me?” He repeated my words as if I had asked the most obvious of questions. “You can’t help me. You have never fucking helped me. Life is so easy for you, isn’t it, Lord Ashin gton? You want something, you take it. Without care to who you hurt along the way.”
My fists clenched at my side, but I said nothing. I waited until his ranting was over. His purpose for being here would eventually be stated and he could leave. Perhaps I should have visited Lydia this morning. It would have been preferable to this.
“Why her, Ashington? Why Miriam? She’s kind and selfless. Her laugh can make a dark mood vanish. She forgives and holds no grudge. She’s smart and can talk of literature most females don’t know exist. Nothing with her is ever dull.” He paused, telling me things I already knew and I was trying hard to forget.
“It sounds as if you’re taken with Miss Bathurst,” I drawled, attempting to sound bored while white hot jealousy was coursing through me at the fact Nicholas knew these things about Miriam.
Nicholas took a step toward me. “I am in love with Miriam Bathurst. The problem is I fell in love with a woman who is in love with you . How unfair my life does seem, Brother.”
I stood there silent. There was nothing I could say to Nicholas. No explanation I would give him.
“You were never worthy of her. One day I hope she sees that clearly. She deserves to be loved and cherished. You, however, do not deserve to wake every morning with the gift of that woman by your side.”
Nicholas did not wait for me to respond. He turned and left after coming to say what he needed to say. I did not know what he had hoped to accomplish other than to hurt me.
With a heavy sigh, I walked back up the stairs and inside. There was only so much pretending I could manage in one day. I needed a drink and a dark room.
“NO ALICE!” Emma screamed and then she followed it by a high-pitched squeal as she ran down the stairs, her hair flying free behind her and a grin on her face.
“Miss Emma! You cannot wear britches!”
“Oh, yes, I can!” Emma replied, and it was then I realized Emma was, indeed, wearing a pair of boy’s britches. “They are ever so comfortable. Nothing like my dreadful gowns!” she called back over her shoulder then ran by me “Good Morning, Ashington,” she greeted me, heading toward the kitchen.
Alice finally made it to the bottom step, out of breath and already looking exhausted for so early in the day. “I’ve no idea where she found the britches,” she told me, then took a moment to catch her breath.
“Emma is rather industrious,” I replied.
Alice gave me an incredulous look, and for the first time all morning, I felt the tug of a smile.
“Tis time she had a mother, my lord,” Alice said.
The smile vanished and my dark mood returned.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Miriam Bathurst
“You haven’t eaten any of the chocolate I brought you.” Aunt Harriet’s voice was concerned as if my not eating the sweet was disappointing. I glanced at the plate of chocolates she had sat beside me earlier.
“I do not seem to have an appetite, Aunt Harriet,” I explained. Normally it would have been the book in my hand that had me so engrossed that I had forgotten about the sweets, but my thoughts had been elsewhere.