I took a deep breath and then knocked.
“Come in!” a voice called.
I turned the knob and found myself face-to-face with a room full of people. Julian and Jordan sat at their mom’s bedside with Hollin and Nora also there along with their dad and aunt. I’d met them all at some point, but I was blanking on their names. Mostly because I was now accosted with the sight of everyone staring at me.
“Hey,” I said with a small wave. “I just, uh, came to check on you.”
“Jennifer, I’m glad you’re here,” Helena said with a smile.
“Are you…are you doing all right?”
“Fine,” she said, staring at her sons. “They’re keeping me overnight, but I’m fine.”
“That’s such a relief. I’m glad to hear that. I was worried.”
Julian shot to his feet. “Can we talk?”
I eyed the room. Everyone tried to look anywhere but at me. I swallowed. Eesh. Then I nodded, backing out of the room.
I heard his mom and Hollin make fun of him from the open door and almost smiled a little at it. Clearly, everyone knew what was going on with us.
“Hey.” Julian pulled the door closed behind him, silencing the spatter of laughter. “Sorry about all of this. I’m glad that you came.”
“I wanted to make sure she was okay. And you too.”
He grinned. “I appreciate it. My mom does, too.”
“You could have texted yourself.”
“I wasn’t sure you were taking my texts.”
“And whose fault is that?” I snapped.
He clenched his jaw and nodded. “Mine. A hundred percent. All my fault.”
I sagged at those words. “No, it’s mine, too.”
“Not at all, Jennifer. I fucked this up. I hid the stuff with Ashleigh. I’m sorry I went to her at all. I’m sorry that I asked about your pills. I don’t deserve you even being here.”
“Well, those things were pretty bad.”
He laughed softly. “Yeah. I’m an idiot.” He gestured down the hall. “There’s a waiting room with chairs and a vending machine if you want.”
I nodded and walked side by side with him down the hallway and to the nice waiting room. It was thankfully empty. Julian paid for two waters and passed one to me. I was glad to have something to do with my hands.
He took a good sip and then sank into the couch next to me. “I want to apologize. Again.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s really not okay. I just…I had all this pressure on my shoulders. I thought I had to make the impossible happen. That everyone would think less of me for not doing it all. I was wrong. No one cared, but I learned that only after failing. And I told Ashleigh that if I had to work with her to get this, then it wasn’t worth it. I think—hope—that she finally got the picture. I won’t entertain any of her bullshit anymore.”
“That must have been hard.”
“It wasn’t,” he said easily. “You know, I was still harboring this deep wound from Ashleigh. I kept letting her dig back under my skin. There was a hole where she’d hurt me. But then you happened.”
“Me?” I whispered.
“You. I realized that the two years with Ashleigh was nothing. They were a lie. Nothing could ever compare to what I have with you.”
“Julian…”
He laughed softly. “I know. Too much, too fast, right?”
“It’s everything I ever wanted to hear,” I admitted. “I wanted this so bad that I deluded myself into thinking you wanted it, too.”
“I do! I do want this. I want you.”
“But I wasn’t honest with you either.”
He furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”
I took a deep breath. I could do this. I could get all of this out. I was making this decision, and it was the right one. No matter what his reaction.
“I have an anxiety disorder,” I told him. “It’s relatively severe, and I’ve been medicated daily since high school. I also have severe social anxiety, and I get debilitating panic attacks. So, I have emergency Xanax as well as a sleeping pill to help with the anxiety-induced insomnia.”
Julian didn’t even blink. He met my gaze evenly. “Okay.”
“Okay? That’s it?”
“Well, I mean, I thought you were just shy. I’ve always thought you were shy, especially in crowds.”
“I am,” I said with a shrug. “I am shy, but a lot of it is a medical issue that I’ve been dealing with my entire life. I’ve been in therapy for almost as long. It’s why I’m pretty good at breaking down other people’s problems and finding a solution. Not that I’m great at that with my own problems.”
“This all makes perfect sense.”
I flinched. “It does?”
“Yes, I think it explains a lot of your behavior. I thought you just…didn’t want to be with me. That you weren’t as into me as I was into you. But in reality, you were dealing with this mental illness all on your own.”
“I…I was,” I said. He’d articulated it so clearly.
Julian sat for a minute in contemplation before asking softly, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I hung my head. The question I’d been dreading.
“Not that you were obligated to,” he said quickly. “It’s your mental health. I want you to feel the best about what you’re going through. I just…I don’t know why or even how you were able to keep it from me.”
“Well,” I began, swallowing hard, “I didn’t know how you’d react.”
“React?” He honestly looked confused.
I took a deep breath and let it out carefully. “My last real boyfriend found out about it. This was a couple years ago. And he…he called me crazy.”
Julian winced. “Fuck.”
“Yeah. He said I was crazy, and that was why he didn’t want to be with me. It ended poorly. Not to mention, my mom has always kind of ingrained in me that I should keep this to myself. But I’m tired of hiding this big part of myself.”
“Jen,” Julian said, cautiously taking my hand, “I would never judge you for this. Anxiety is a real illness. And I’m so sorry that anyone made you feel like you were less for having it.”
Tears rushed to my eyes. The words I’d always wanted to hear and feared I never would.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He leaned forward, cupping my jaw in his hands, and kissed me tenderly. “You’re a gem, a revelation. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. This changes absolutely nothing with me. It only makes me see the perfectly wonderful, vibrant woman that I’m in love with more clearly.”
I gasped against his mouth, my eyes shooting open. “Love?”
“Yes. Jennifer, I love you.”
My throat closed up, and I thought I was really going to start crying now. “Julian, oh my God,” I whispered. I rested my forehead against his. “I love you, too.”
“God, it’s good to hear that.”
I laughed through my tears. “It really is.”
“And again, I’m sorry. I won’t repeat the mistakes I did to upset you. I want to work to be the man who deserves you.”