“I didn’t try to kill myself. I’m fine.”
“You’re lying.” She swallows. Clears her throat. “You’re so pale. And you were so still. I know you’re not fine. I can see you.” She approaches the desk, and I fucking hate this. I hate what I’ve become. “I think I should call Eva. She would know what to do.”
“She has her own heartbreak to deal with. Her own life.”
Daphne’s tugs on the collar of her shirt. “Why don’t you go to her? Why don’t you go to Haley?”
I rub my hands over my face and try not to resist the pain. Resistance only makes it worse. “Because I love her.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.” Daphne’s crying now, and I see how badly I scared her. “If you love her, you should be with her. And you do. I know you do.”
“My love for her is more than that. It’s strong enough to let her go.” I take a breath I don’t want to take. A breath that hurts like a bitch. “She has a family. Those are her people. I was always fooling myself that she could be mine.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Haley
Leo was a dream, and I’m awake now. Awake in a hospital room next to my dad’s bed. Awake with a book in my hands, wearing old clothes from my closet.
Back in my old life.
Though in my old life, I could fall into a book and let it take the hours away. Now the words make no impression. I keep having to start the page over. My dad sleeps in his bed, oblivious to everything. He’s improving now that we’re a few days past his surgery. Sleeping better.
I’ve read five paragraphs without taking in a thing. Maybe I shouldn’t have submitted my deferment this morning. Maybe schoolwork would be easier to concentrate on. There are grades to think about, at least.
I swallow a snort. Grades. I don’t think I could bring myself to care about grades. They used to matter to me. They used to be everything to me. Grades and books and my family. They’ll be everything to me again. Hopefully by spring semester.
It would be a good idea to get a notebook and a pen and make a plan for the next few months. First thing on my list is to get my dad back to good health. He’s the only parent I have left, and I love him. I need him and his disorganized presence in my life. Second is to figure out how I’m going to get back to school after a semester-long delay. And third is to hope against all hope that I’ll stop feeling like a clawed animal has reached inside my chest and torn it apart for sport.
“Hi, Haley.” The evening nurse bustles in, keeping her voice low. She’s efficient with her checks. “I wanted to let you know, hon, that we’ll have to reauthorize the hospital stay within the next twenty-four hours.”
“Okay.” My heart rate spikes. Reauthorizing the stay means coming to a new payment agreement with Caroline. If Caroline won’t pay, the hospital will discharge my dad. They can do it as long as he’s in stable condition. Which he is. I’d just have to keep him that way at home. “Will you let me know if you need anything from us?”
“Of course I will.” She takes some notes on her clipboard. “Back in a while. Use the Call button if you need anything. If I’m not here another nurse will help you.”
There’s no dedicated team just for my dad here. The difference between his hospital stay and Leo’s breaks my heart. Everything breaks my heart. I’m going to be walking around with a useless muscle in the center of my chest forever. If only it would ease up on the aching hurt. I’d settle for being numb.
Soft footsteps come in through the door. The nurse must have forgotten something from her list. Good. I can ask her what medicine is in the IV. I open my mouth to do it.
And shut it again.
It’s not the nurse moving into the room as if she owns it.
It’s Caroline.
She’s in her beautiful Prada coat. A brilliant white against the tired walls. Her hair is in a shining, complicated knot. Bright eyes. Pink cheeks. I could be standing at a Constantine party like we went to as kids. Me in threadbare clothes, trying not to do anything embarrassing in front of perfect Caroline. My skin crawls. Her perfection is a lie. Below the glamorous clothes and the gorgeous face is a corrupt nightmare.
A genteel tilt of her head as she peers at my dad. “He hasn’t breathed his last?”
My book snaps closed in my hands. How dare she? Prickling indignation makes my muscles ache. I can’t react to her. I can only respond. We need her now, so I have to be polite. I can’t risk my dad’s care. “He’s in stable condition after the surgery. They had to go back in yesterday for a minor fix, but he’s resting a lot more comfortably now. His doctors don’t want him released for another few days so they can be sure he’s ready for the next step.”
“Mm-hmm. Your father is going to have a long recovery.”
“I’ll be by his side. I’m not leaving.”
Caroline’s eyes meet mine for the first time since she came into the room. Cold. The blue in her eyes is so cold, and edged in satisfaction. “Good. You’ve spent too long as a Morelli whore as it is.”
My breath catches in my throat. Her words should be meaningless. They shouldn’t sting at all. But they’re side by side with the truth. I was a whore for Leo Morelli. I couldn’t get enough of him. I wanted all of him, forever, and Caroline destroyed everything we had.
I blink at her, lifting my eyebrows a fraction of an inch. A hint of shock. I’ve seen Caroline deploy this expression at parties to keep the people around her in line.
She narrows her eyes, and I lose my nerve. Shame runs hot over my cheeks. I’m ashamed of everything. Of turning back into quiet Haley Constantine, the girl with her book, and not standing up for my dad. For myself. I’m ashamed that I let her comment sail past. I’m ashamed I didn’t fight hard enough to stay with Leo.
“We need to get you settled,” Caroline pronounces. “It will be the best thing for everyone, including your father.”
“What does that mean?”
It could mean anything. She’s kept my dad under house arrest before. She could keep me in our house, too.
“It means you’ll marry Rick on the second of February. The venue has been booked, and invitations will go out in three weeks. Traditionally, the bride’s family covers most of the costs. I know your father isn’t in any position to do so, but you’re a lucky girl. You have a loving extended family.”
Horror is a hard plastic chair in a too-small room. It’s endless beeping from machines that monitor whether your dad is going to live or die. It’s a woman who’s done unthinkable things laying out your entire future in a reasonable tone.
“No.”
Caroline purses her lips like I’m a child who’s refusing to sit down for dinner. “You’ll do as I say.”
“You can’t make me take any vows. You can’t make me say I do.”
Her cool gaze flicks to my father and holds. The threat digs into my gut. Into my heart. “Actually, darling, I think I can.”
“I’ll never marry him.” I want to sound strong. Defiant. Unafraid. But my voice trembles. It gives me away. All my doubt. All my fear. That little shake is enough of an admission.