Empty foyer. Empty hallway. And the sound of a fist connecting with flesh.
I don’t know whose fist it is. I don’t know whose flesh is being beaten.
Are all nightmares like this? Do they all repeat over and over until you can hardly see anything else? I’ve been here before. Hurrying to get to Leo. Not knowing if he was alive or dead. History repeating itself, only it hasn’t been long enough to become history. I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want this to be Leo’s life. We can make a new one. I’ll make it apart from him, if that’s what he needs, but not this. Not this.
The lights in his office are off. A fire burns in the grate, casting everything in orange and gold.
Casting Leo in orange and gold. All the dark lines of him. All the hard planes. All his terrible beauty.
He drags Rick up off the floor, but Rick is fighting him. Rick came here with a purpose, and I see now what it is. He came here to fight Leo and kill him.
He came to kill Leo and he found the beast.
There’s no shimmer in the air, only the sharp tang of violence. He’s a dead man. If there’s one thing I know about Leo, it’s that he keeps his word.
Rick shoves at him, and Leo laughs.
He laughs.
And I know.
I know how much it hurt him to send me away. I know how dead he feels inside, how agonized.
I know that in a few moments at most, it will be too late.
Leo gets both hands around Rick’s throat, and I take a deep breath. I feel that shimmer. That sense that his moment carries weight. Only it’s settled on my shoulders. I’m supposed to be here. I’m meant to be here. And it’s because of Leo.
I had foolish, childish ideas of what sacrifice means. I thought it was a transaction. My body for my family’s freedom, and nothing else. I thought I could trade that to Leo without coming to know him. Without letting it change me. But I was wrong.
It’s not a real sacrifice if it doesn’t involve your soul.
Leo has given up so much of his for the people he loves.
Neither man turns as I enter the room. They’re too busy fighting. Rick is railing against Leo’s hands, throwing his body around, putting them both off-balance. He doesn’t see that Leo is only waiting for the perfect moment to kill him. He doesn’t see how much stronger Leo is. How much harder. How much he’s already lost.
Leo backs Rick up against the desk and punches him in the face. “Fuck you,” spits Rick. “Fuck you. I’m going to kill you.”
“I’m getting impatient.” Leo’s hand goes down to the desk in a simple, graceful movement, and firelight flashes in the blade of a knife.
“No.” I run the last few steps, run right into this moment, and reach for him. “Leo. Stop.”
He takes in a breath. I don’t let go. Now that I’m touching him, I can feel the fury singing under his skin. I can feel his bloodlust. Determination draws his muscles tight. He’s decided to do this. He’s given himself over to it. It must feel peaceful, in a way, giving in to his need. Leo’s held himself back for so long. In so many ways. He sacrificed the person he is to be the person who could keep his family safe. He gave up any hope of being understood. Of being loved. And he’s done. I know he’s done.
Leo has one hand so tight around Rick’s throat that he’s beginning to crush his windpipe. Rick tries to pull his hand away, but Leo is too focused. He’s always been so focused. He’s always seen everything about me, even the things I refused to see myself. The whites of Rick’s eyes are huge. Terrified. A part of me wants to let Leo kill him for what he tried to do to me, but I can’t. It would only cause Leo more pain. It would teach Caroline nothing. It would be for nothing.
The knife is an inch from Rick’s throat.
“I can’t,” Leo says, his voice rough with agony. “I can’t stop. He hurt you.”
“Yes, he did. He scared me. He made me feel dirty and helpless and afraid. And he would have done more, if you hadn’t saved me. But killing him won’t fix anything.”
“If I end him now, he’ll never touch you again.”
I thought a heart could only break so many times, but mine does it again. It comes apart like rose petals in a storm.
Leo is trying to give me what he could never give himself.
He could never bring himself to kill Caroline, because it meant putting his family in danger. He’s willing to give up his own life, his own freedom, for me. So that I won’t have to suffer the way he did. The way he still does.
“He means nothing to me.” Leo’s arm tenses under my hands. “You made me feel clean again, Leo. You made me feel safe. And if you kill him, I’ll never have that again. I’ll never have you. And I need you.”
Rick wheezes. He’s past the power of speech.
I run my hand over Leo’s. Over the one gripping the knife. I use the softest possible touch. I do it the way I would touch his scars. The way I would touch any part of him that had been hurt. “I need you,” I tell him again. “Come back.”
“I can’t. It’s so fucking hard. I want—I want—” His grip tightens around Rick’s throat.
“I want you. All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted is you. This man is nothing. Don’t leave me for nothing. Please.”
The knife grazes Rick’s neck.
“I know it’s hard, Leo. I know it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done.”
“Weak,” he forces through gritted teeth. “I should have done this a long time ago.”
“You didn’t do it because you are so strong. You’re the strongest, bravest man I’ve ever known. And you’re mine. You can come back. It’s okay. Put down the knife.” I reach up and stroke his cheek. “Let go.”
“Fuck, darling,” Leo whispers. The knife drops. In one movement, Leo shoves Rick away and takes me in his arms. His arms are tight around my body, tighter than they’ve ever been, and he breathes me in like I’m all the air he’ll ever need. “You’re so soft,” he says. “You’re so fucking soft.”
Soft. The best thing I could be for him. He’s had to claw scraps of softness from the world so he could tolerate living. I can be that for him. I am that for him.
I take his hand. “Let’s go.” I don’t have a plan for where we’ll go, I just know we need to get out of here. Out of this room.
“Wait,” Leo says, but I’m already turning. Already creating space between the two of us.
Rick is a white streak in the corner of my vision, a hand coming up high. Coming back down. He’s aiming for Leo. Whatever he’s doing, he’s aiming for Leo with a wild, half-crushed growl.
Both of us move at the last second. I don’t know who’s pushing, who’s pulling. No more. Don’t touch him.
An impact at the side of my head rattles my teeth. The floor wheels up and something hits my head again. Something sharp, like the corner of a desk. It pushes through my skull, through the spot that’s already aching, oh, that hurts so much. Too much. I can’t see the firelight anymore. I land in someone’s arms, softly, softly.
“Oh, fuck.” Rick. “Oh, shit. Oh—”
His voice cuts out. There’s only silence left. And then there’s nothing at all.