“That’s right. They left around four. Why?”
I frowned. “It’s just that . . .” If Duane, Jess, and Liam were visiting and available, why were Cletus and Jethro out with me?
“Jackson?”
“Never mind.” Shaking myself, and tucking that mystery away for later, I walked over to the big pile of bowls and got to work.
“How’s Rae? Did she have a good time last night?” he asked, scrubbing out the sink. My father had a checklist for cleaning the kitchen, one he and my mother had made years ago. She’d complained that he didn’t clean the kitchen right, so they’d sat down and made a checklist. He’d wanted to do it right for her, so he’d changed. He’d made room. He’d invested.
That’s what I needed to do.
When it came right down to it, I didn’t know if I could ask Rae to make room for me, to invest. Truth was, I didn’t want to ask. I wanted her to want to invest without me asking. Asking felt too much like pushing. But maybe I could show her I was making room for her. Maybe I could lead by example, and then she’d make room for me.
“I don’t think I’m running for sheriff,” I said, ripping the bandaid off, and facing my father. I braced for his reaction.
His movements stilled. He paused. Then he turned to me. “You’re not running for sheriff.”
“No.” I folded the towel and set it on the small butcher block kitchen island, walking backward until I hit the counter. I leaned against it. “I’m going to move out to Los Angeles, if Rae wants me there.”
His eyes narrowed, like he was working to process this information. “You’re moving out to Los Angeles.”
Well, now I know where I get my tendency to repeat recently spoken statements.
Ready for his disappointment, and maybe even his disapproval, I said, “Yes, and, if Rae wants me to move to LA, I’m going to apply to join the County Sheriff's Department out there.”
My father frowned, his eyes dropping to the floor and studying the tiles he and I had laid there fifteen years ago. “You don’t want to run for sheriff?”
“No, I do. I really do.” My voice sounded ragged, so I cleared my throat before continuing. “But I need to show Rae that I’m going to fight for her, for us. That I’m invested in our future and that I want to make room for her in my life.” So she’ll make room for me in hers.
“By giving up on your dreams?”
Here we go. “Dad.”
“No. I get it.” He lifted a hand, a slight, curious smile on his face. “I do. Just, let me get this straight. Do you want to move to Los Angeles?”
“Yes. Because that’s where Rae will be.”
“But if she weren’t, would you?”
I stared at him, eventually providing an answer that wasn’t a surprise to either of us. “No. I wouldn’t.”
“You want to stay here, and run for office, and take care of the folks in this county. However, you think if you don’t do something big—like move to Los Angeles and give up your life here—that you’re going to lose Rae?”
“Yeah.” I stuffed my hands in my pockets, not sure how I felt about any of this. “That about sums it up.”
“All right. And if you weren’t afraid of losing Rae, if you could stay here and be sheriff and you wouldn’t lose her, would you stay? That’s a slightly different question from the ones I’ve already asked.”
I gave him a smile I’m sure looked as feeble as I felt. “Well, that’s not really an option is it?”
“I’m not sure if it is an option, and I’m not the one you should be asking. Have you asked Rae if it’s an option? Have you asked her what she wants? You can’t know the answer to a question you haven’t asked.”
“Jessica said something similar to me recently.”
“Jess is pretty smart. Takes after your mom that way.” He smiled, his eyes dropping to the burn mark on the butcher block. But then his smile faded, and he crossed his arms, leaning his hip against the sink. “I know you’re here to tell me, not ask me for advice, but I'm going to give it to you anyway, and here it is—” he lifted his eyes and held mine “—don’t make any decision out of fear, if you can help it. Especially not a decision that impacts your future like this.”
I nodded, feeling numb.
“If you’re with somebody, and you’re afraid you’re going to lose them, talk to them. Tell her you’re afraid. Admitting a vulnerability to someone you love and who loves you in return usually brings you closer, it doesn’t push you apart.”
My stomach swirled, protesting the three beers and no food. Or maybe it protested his advice, especially when he added, “Now, that’s assuming she feels the same for you. That’s assuming she wants to make room in her life for you. If she doesn’t, well, then it’s better to know sooner rather than later.”
I turned, walking toward the kitchen table and grabbing the tall back of my seat, the chair I always sat in when I was a child. There were six chairs at this table, but there were only four of us.
Admitting a vulnerability to someone you love and who loves you in return usually brings you closer, it doesn’t push you apart.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Yeah, go for it.” My father picked up the towel I’d left on the counter and dried his hands, then turned back to the sink to wipe the rim.
I studied his back for a moment. My father was taller than me. I’d never grown to his height.
“Why do you wish you had more kids?”
Once more, his movements stilled. He turned around and faced me. “Pardon me?”
“You’ve said it a couple times. More and more recently. You said it in June when we were at Daisy’s for breakfast.”
“So I did.” His stare grew hawkish. “And I can see it’s not what you’re thinking.”
“What am I thinking?”
“Based on the look on your face, we both know what you’re thinking.” My father, watching me very carefully, set the towel aside and crossed to the kitchen table, standing behind his chair which sat at the head of it. “Jackson, do you think I wanted to have more children because I think you and Jess aren’t enough?”
I shrugged, spurred on by the beers. I should never drink. It turns me into an asshole.
He looked pained by my nonresponse. “That is not the case, son. W-we should h-have had more children f-for you.”
“For me?”
“Yes. You and Jess. What’s going to happen to you and your sister when we’re gone? When your mom and I pass away? I’m much less worried about Jess. We always knew she was going to leave and you were going to stay. Not because you don’t have a big imagination and big dreams, but because your dreams are different.”
I stared at my father, and for the first time in my life, I noticed he was old. His hair was grayer than blond, his forehead lined with wrinkles, and he didn’t seem as tall and imposing as he once was. My father is old.
“And so, to the point.” He scratched his cheek, his eyebrows lifting. “I’ve always wished that we’d given you another brother, another sister. So you wouldn’t be alone. Also, because kids are great. I wish we could have had more, especially if they turned out like you and Jess.”