“The darkness, it’s a part of me. It always has been. I fear by walkin’ away, the demons will only lay dormant for a wee while. And when they rouse, they’ll be hungry for so much more. Cami accepts me, and for that, I’m the luckiest man alive, but how can I marry her with hands covered in blood?
“Because that’s all I’ll have to offer her if I don’t get out. If I live the life you did, I will end up in a hole in the ground, just like you did. Just how every single person involved in this fucking war has. I’m one of the last men standin’. But I don’t know how long for.
“What would you do, Connor? What would you do…Dad?”
Tears well because I fucking miss this insufferable prick. Who would have thought?
My phone rings, interrupting this verbal onslaught with the dead. I really am losing my mind.
When I retrieve my mobile from my pocket and see it’s Cami, I answer quickly. “Everythin’ all right?”
“I—um, how long until you’re home?” She is slightly panicked, which has me jumping up, kissing two fingers, and pressing them to Connor’s gravestone before sprinting for my truck.
“I can be there in twenty minutes.”
“Can you make it ten?”
“Why?” I ask, rummaging for my keys.
“Cian is here.” I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing until she adds, “And he’s about to kill Sean.”
“Fuck.” I hang up and almost tear the door from its hinges as I jump into my truck and speed out of the cemetery toward home.
I should have known Cian would do something like this. He is hurting, and the only way to stop that pain is to kill the person who inflicted a wound that will never heal. But he’s gone against me when I explained why I need Sean alive.
He is forcing my hand, and when I get to my gaff and see his car parked out front, I wonder just how ugly this is going to get. I slam the door shut and run toward the castle. Cami is waiting outside for me, but she can’t be here.
Kissing her forehead frantically, I gently order, “Please go back to our house. I don’t want you to see whatever is about to happen.”
She wants to argue, but she knows I wouldn’t ask this of her if I wasn’t afraid…for her.
“Okay. But remember, Cian lost Amber. What would you do if that were me?”
I don’t realize she has something behind her back until she extends her hand toward me, offering me my face paints. She wants it to end and knows this face—the face Sean forced me to wear—is the only one who can do that.
Accepting the paints, I watch as she walks away. I don’t know who I’ll be when I see her again.
Opening the front door, I hear Cian screaming on the verge of hysteria. I wonder where Billy is as it was his turn to keep an eye on Sean. I’ll deal with him later.
I keep my cool as I walk down the hallway and turn into the huge dining room. This place may be getting a facelift, but it seems regardless of the décor, blood and violence are entrenched into its foundations. It’s been this way for generations, and I believe it will be this way long after I’m gone.
Cian’s back is to me, but he knows I’m here. “Suppose yer here to stop me, seein’ as ye want to live on the straight and narrow.”
Sean looks to be in one piece—for now. He’s still tied to the chair.
“This isn’t the answer, Cian,” I say, keeping my distance as I enter the room. “I know yer hurtin’.”
“You don’t know anythin’!” he screams, turning around to face me. A gun is in his hand. “This cunt took the only person who ever really loved me.”
“That’s not true,” I calmly state. “I love you. We all do. I’m sorry about Amber. I know that means fuck all, but please don’t do this.”
“You choose him?”
“No, Cian, I choose you. Always.”
But he’s not convinced. “If that’s true, then kill him. Slit his throat like he did to yer ma.”
Sean watches me closely.
“And then what?” I pose because if Cian has a solution, I’m all ears. “We continue to live this vicious cycle where one by one, we all die?”
“We’re all victims. In one way or another.”
“No, we are not. I refuse to accept that,” I amend firmly. “We’re survivors. We’ve survived since we were kids. And I won’t give up now. This life has taken so much from us. We both have a chance at freedom. I find out who Liam was workin’ with, and I kill them.
“Someone wants this job…someone wants to make Belfast the place we remember. But you kill Sean now, and we’re runnin’ for the rest of our lives. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired.”
“How do you know this isn’t another one of his tricks?” With a roar, Cian pistol-whips Sean in the temple.
Sean sways, but it’s going to take a lot more than that.
“I don’t know,” I confess. “But I do know I need him there for this deal to go ahead. If he’s lyin’, then we have an army of men to protect us. But what if he’s not? This is our chance to live a life we both deserve.
“I won’t give in to temptation. Sean is our collateral this time. His fate will always end in his death. But not prematurely. Not when I have a chance at bein’ free.”
“And what if I don’t want that?” Cian asks, his bloodshot eyes pleading I help him because he is so fucking lost. “What if I don’t want to live some boring, normal life? I tried it on for size, and look where it got me. I’m back here, a gun in my hand.
“This life is in our blood, Puck. It was what we were born to do.” He presses the gun to Sean’s temple, sealing our fates forevermore.
“What do you want me to do?” I beg he sees reason. I haven’t come this far to let it all go now.
“I want you to do the right thing. I want you to do what Punky would do. I know that man is still inside you, itchin’ to break free. This cunt, he killed yer ma! He killed Connor! Remember them? Or are ya a whipped wee pussy now, forgettin’ who we are? Forgettin’ yer a fucking Kelly.”
And just like that…the glimmer of light I held onto is eclipsed by the darkness.
I tried. I really fucking tried to do the right thing.
But it seems everyone wants me to be someone else. I tried to do good…I tried to be the man Shay would be proud to call father. I tried to be the man Cami could proudly call her husband. I really fucking tried.
But as I look down at the face paints in my trembling hand, I nod slowly. “All right, Cian. If this is what you want.”
“You do this, and yer runnin’ for the rest of yer lives!” Sean cries, and it’s the first time I’ve seen him show emotion, and that’s because he knows his time has come. “Yer all dead! The enemy is closer than ya think. I know who they are. You need me!”
I ignore him because it’s here, in the violence, where I thrive.
When I open the lid on the white face paint, memories of being locked away in that wardrobe crash into me, and I can’t breathe.
“I want ya to be someone else. I want ya to pretend yer anywhere but here. Whatever ya see, whatever ya hear, I want ya to know it’s not real because yer not really here.”