“I came out to speak to you, really. With Ella’s consent.”
My brow knits and matches Damon’s confusion for a moment. “I want to make it clear that whatever it is Ella wants, whether The Firm stays, whether Zander continues to see her …” Kam’s gaze moves to me as he continues, “It’s her choice and I will back her up.”
Damon’s posture remains relaxed although his brow cocks and his head tilts. “Whatever she says?” he asks without amusement. I imagine the threat of extortion is riding through him and I feel bad for the man.
“Kam, I don’t think that’s necessary.”
“I was wrong and I’m going to make it up to you.”
Damon’s uncomfortableness is more than noticeable in his deep exhale.
Kam continues, “Whatever Ella decides to say, I saw and heard it as well.”
“You realize that’s not only a crime, it also could be detrimental to her healing.”
Kamden doesn’t flinch until Damon’s concern about my health is spoken.
The defensive tone comes with Kam shifting in his seat. “This is her life. Her decision.”
Damon’s careful with his response, his posture casual although I’m more than aware he’s a master of controlling his body language and speech. “We both want what’s best for Ella, and I imagine we won’t have any issues moving forward.”
“That all depends on—”
“Am I a bit fucked up?” I say, interrupting the men. “Yes.” It takes a lot for me to utter the next words. “Watching your husband die only feet from you could do that to someone.” Tears leak and I wipe them away. “Seeing the video of it repeatedly every time I turned to social media, having to talk about it constantly, having to beg people to stop … it got to be a little much, I’ll admit.” The words come out a whisper. Even now, as I sit here, I see it all over again.
The red light, his smile as he waved, leaving me to the paparazzi. He had the most charming smile. The stifling heat of that summer day weighs down on me and it comes with an anxiousness I can’t stop. The sound of the truck, the tires locking up, I hear it all, the screams from onlookers and then my scream. I feel the hands that held me back, those fingers digging into my skin now.
My voice is hoarse as I look each of them in the eye and say, “Am I a threat? To anyone? To myself? I don’t know but I don’t want to be, and I’m trying.”
Both of them part their lips to say something, to coddle me, to praise me … To admonish me, maybe. I have no idea, nor do I give a fuck.
“Is Zander bad for me? No. He’s not. So stop threatening to take him away. We’re adults. We know what we’re doing. Stay the fuck out of it.”
Zander
The coffee shop isn’t even close to maximum capacity right now, but there are a few people at the booths and tables. A couple more lined up at the counter. My brother waits for me in one of the booths. His starched dress shirt is stretched tight across his shoulders. The privacy here is nominal. More than we’d have at one of the tables in the middle of the floor. Far less than we’d have at the motel or at the office. He’s chosen a public place for a reason.
For the best, I think. Throughout our lives we’ve had knockdown-dragout screaming matches a few times. Siblings will do that. This can’t be one of those times.
The meeting yesterday ended with Cade refusing to agree to any terms. He needed to speak to his lawyer first.
A coffee grinder whines as I approach the booth and sit down across from Cade, the guilt taking a seat alongside me. Two coffees are already on the table, both black, and Cade stares down at his like it might give him some answers if he looks long enough. His jaw is tight, eyes dark. He’s obviously upset. He only glances up from the coffee cup when I reach for my own.
Fuck, I wish it hadn’t come to this. If I could go back, though, what could I possibly change?
And then my gut freezes. There’s concern in his hazel eyes, but he’s made up his mind about something. Cade has spent a long time mastering himself. He’s not one to let things slip. So even showing me this concern means this conversation has a real weight to it. I can feel it pressing down on me.
Cade looks away, back down into his coffee. “What the hell are you doing, Zander?”
I’m good at sitting still, but the urge to fidget is strong. It’s because I don’t have the words to explain myself. How could he possibly understand? I don’t feel like we have a shared language anymore. It shouldn’t be possible for the two of us to have drifted so far apart, given that we work together. But it happened.
My brother’s frown deepens as he looks back at me. “You know how vulnerable she is. And you don’t want to admit it, but what happened with Quincy fucked you up. It made you susceptible to this kind of thing.”
Rage flares in me, followed by the pang of a deep, old guilt. Not because I felt for Quincy the way I feel for Ella. It’s because the mention of her name makes every failure seem worse. All my worst moments stem from that one.
“Don’t talk about her.”
Cade narrows his eyes. “It’s true.”
My voice is low, the words coming from deep down in my chest and murmured with an edge to them that could kill. “I said, don’t talk about her. Quincy doesn’t have a damn thing to do with Ella, and you’re not going to sit here in this fucking coffee shop and talk to me about things you know nothing about.”
“Fine,” snaps Cade and then he takes several deep breaths in a row. His hands flex on the table before he grips his mug again. When next he speaks his voice is level. “I asked you here to tell you that I’m letting you go from The Firm.”
Cold shock washes over me. I can’t believe Cade would do this. Part of me is stunned that my own brother would turn on me. It doesn’t matter that I went against him first.
“You can’t be serious.” Stress keeps my voice tight. He isn’t even man enough to look me in the eye.
His jaw works as he grits his teeth. “If you’re going to be with her, you sure as hell can’t be on payroll.”
A tic in my jaw spasms with agreement. He’s right. I have no qualms about that. My relationship with Ella will be strictly what we decide tonight. As I sit here, it all unravels in front of me, a chill running through my blood. It’s not about what I want and what could be. It’s only about what she needs right now. A Dominant/submissive relationship. She has to know that’s all it is at the moment. I haven’t forgotten our night together and her emotional response. I can care for her in only some ways. She has to accept that. Until the situation is different, that’s all we can be. It’s not about what I want, it’s about what she needs.
My mind wanders to what I wish we could be, if things were different, until Cade stares back at me, expecting a response.
“I can’t be on payroll with the company or for this case?”
“I haven’t decided yet.” Fresh anger flares in his eyes. “You don’t understand what almost happened, Zander. If Kamden had gone to the judge rather than me, you would be in a fucking jail cell, and she would be back at the Rockford Center.”