“The doctor said it could be moments or hours,” he informs me as he opens the door to her bedroom. “But I know she wanted you to be here.”
I draw in a sharp breath as I walk in.
My Nanna has always been the strong, resilient type.
Tough as nails.
Even after she lost her ability to speak and became too fragile to walk…she was never weak.
Seeing her lying there looking so frail and delicate is something I wasn’t prepared for.
“I’ll give you some privacy,” Reggie says, gesturing to the chair he placed beside her bed.
I want to ask him to stay, because I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.
While I’m thankful she shot my uncle, my Nanna and I weren’t close.
Other than the day my parents died; I never felt a single ounce of love from her.
Only hate for who I was.
I take a seat on the chair. Then I reach for her hand. “It’s me, Nanna.”
There’s no response to that. Just the faint sound of something rattling in her chest.
“I wish this wasn’t happening,” I whisper…but not because I’ll miss her.
Because we never got to have the relationship that I always longed for.
We never baked cookies in the kitchen while she shared stories from her youth and gave me advice.
She never held me close and told me she loved me.
She never treated me like a granddaughter.
She treated me like the only reason she was keeping me around was because I was the only thing of her son’s that she still had left.
I was a responsibility she didn’t want.
An obligation she resented being stuck with.
And then I became a person she loathed…because she didn’t agree with my sexuality.
Maybe it makes me a terrible person, but I finally have my time to speak without her interrupting or dismissing me.
I finally have my time to tell her exactly what I think about her.
“I wanted you to love me so bad, Nanna.” My voice grows thick with emotion. “But all you ever did was hate me…because I was different.” I close my eyes. “Because I wasn’t what you wanted me to be.”
I grip her hand tighter. “But you missed out. You spent so much time despising and punishing me…you never got to know me. Because if you did, you would have seen that I’m stronger than you ever were. That I’m eccentric and emotional like my mom…but also introspective like my dad. That even though I wear my heart on my sleeve…it doesn’t make me weak. That my sexuality doesn’t make me a bad person…it makes me a valiant one because I had to deal with people like you.”
Tears threaten to spill over, but I force them back down. I’ve cried thousands of tears over this woman and she never deserved a single one. She won’t get any now.
“Every good thing about me is because of them and not you. Because they showed me what love was. And that love is the reason I don’t hate you, even though I should.”
I place her hand on my belly. “But while I don’t hate you, I do pity you. Because whenever my child asks what my grandmother was like, I’m going to tell them the truth. Because that’s the real legacy you left me with.” I lean over because I want to make sure she hears this. “You think you won…but you lost.”
That hand that I’m still pressing against my stomach becomes stiff and grows cool.
Because you never loved me.
And now you’ll never have the chance.
Chapter 69
Kit
Funerals are supposed to be sad. A time for grief and sorrow.
A time to remember your loved one before sending them off to their final resting place.
I’m wearing a black dress, even though I’m not in mourning.
I’m listening to the priest give a eulogy, even though I don’t care.
I’m hearing Reggie sniffle behind me, even though I don’t share his pain.
I look up at the clear bright blue sky. It’s a gorgeous fall day. Damn near perfect. It seems the universe isn’t sad about losing her either.
When the priest gets to the part where he asks that the Lord bless her and watch over her…I can’t contain my laughter.
I hope she rots in hell.
Breslin—who’s sitting next to me in the front row—gives me a little nudge with her elbow.
It only makes me laugh harder.
People are gathered here in this cemetery…grieving the life of a rotten woman.
I guess I just find the whole thing comical.
Heck, if I wasn’t knocked up, I’d be partying after this.
“Kit,” Breslin hisses.
I press a hand to my chest, trying my hardest to stop laughing but I can’t.
Doesn’t anyone else find this hysterical?
Evidently not, because the priest gives me a stern look before he continues.
Good God, man. Put her in the ground and throw dirt over her casket already.
Only the moment they do…
My laughter stops.
“Kit,” Breslin calls out behind me. “Honey, we’ve been here for two hours already.”
“You can leave.”
“No, that’s not what I mean—”
“We just want to make sure you’re okay,” Landon cuts in.
“We’re here for you,” Juan adds.
I run my thumb over my parents’ headstones, over the words beloved mother and father.
I guess I didn’t realize my Nanna would be buried in the family plot right next to them.
Makes sense.
Seeing as she’s family.
A family I no longer have.
Because everyone is dead.
I look at the pile of dirt. I know they need to bury her officially, but I don’t want them to.
Because even though my Nanna was a miserable woman…she was still my family.
And without her, I don’t have any left.
My baby won’t be an orphan. But I am.
Maybe it’s the hormones, or maybe it’s because I finally feel genuine grief, but that thought sends such a river of agony through me, I start crying.
So hard I can’t bring myself to stop.
“It’s okay,” Breslin says, rushing over to where I’m still kneeling on the grass.
No. It’s not okay.
“Go away,” I choke out.
I love her, and I know she’s only trying to be a good friend and console me, but I just want to be alone.
The tone of my voice must scare her off because she walks behind me again.
“I’ll give you some space. But I’m right here if you need me, okay?”
There’s only one person I need right now.
And he’s not here.
“I’m all alone,” I croak through sobs.
“You’re not alone,” Breslin assures me.
It sure feels like it right now.
It’s like my entire world is crumbling and I don’t have a foundation to stop myself from crumbling with it.
A violent sob leaves me. I thought I was strong. I thought it wouldn’t hurt. I thought…
“Angry girl.”
His gruff voice surrounds me like armor, shielding me.
And the arms he wraps around me feel like a safety net.