“No. Remunerate means to pay for services rendered. Why would you use that word? Do you think I’ve been servicing you, Braden? That I was letting you—”
“For fuck’s sake. Of course not. But I’m very aware that women will let me do what I want to do in exchange for the privilege of being with me.”
Heartbroken as I am, I can’t let him get away with this crap. “Privilege? Are you kidding me? You really think I let you tie me up just to be your arm candy?”
“No. I said I didn’t. But it’s happened in the past.”
“With Addie?”
“Christ! This is serious, Skye. We’re having a significant conversation, and you bring up Addie and me again?”
“You brought it up. You said it’s happened in the past.”
“I wasn’t talking about Addie.”
Right. He wasn’t. His… What was it anyway? His…dalliance? Anyway, whatever it was, his time with Addie took place before he made his millions. Way before he made his billions.
“I’m not like anyone else,” I say.
My heart seems to fragment, exploding into little pieces inside my body and then sinking to my feet.
Rock bottom.
This must be what rock bottom feels like.
Does it matter anymore? Addie and Braden?
No. Not if Braden and I are no longer together.
“I don’t regret my time with you,” he says.
I scoff softly. “Great. I don’t regret my time with you, either.”
“I’m glad.”
Silence for a few moments. Until—
“Skye…”
“What?” My tone is less nice than I anticipate.
“I don’t want to end things. Please understand that.”
“If you don’t want to end things, don’t end things,” I say adamantly.
“It’s not that simple.”
“Seems to me it is. You end things or you don’t. Simple choice, Braden, and you’re the one making it.”
“There are things you don’t know.” He holds his chin high.
“Only because you won’t tell me!” Anger flares within me. I’ve already hit rock bottom, so what the hell? I can’t sink any lower, so I may as well have my say.
“Some things I don’t talk about,” he says, “with anyone.”
“Then this relationship was doomed from the start, Braden. We never really had a chance, did we?”
He sighs and rubs at his temples. “Maybe we didn’t.”
I can’t help it then. I let a tear fall. One. Two. Three. Then several more, until sobs erupt from my throat and the tears become gushers. “You’re wrong! We always had a chance. Yes, I made some mistakes, but so did you. You should have been honest with me. About Addie. About your mother. About everything!”
His jawline tenses. I can almost see his teeth grinding together, as if his skin and muscles are translucent.
“I’ll be honest with you the day you’re honest with me,” he says.
“I’ve been honest with you from the beginning. That’s not fair.”
“You think you’ve been honest with me, but you haven’t. You can’t even tell me why you wanted me to choke you tonight. You. Skye Manning. Queen of control. You wanted a man to put rope around your neck, to cut off your air. Do you have any idea what that means?”
“I just…” I wheeze as another sob erupts from my throat. “I just…”
Braden clenches his jaw. “Say it, Skye! Fucking say it!”
All the emotion deep in my belly coils outward like a snake. “I wanted to sink! Sink into nothingness! Give you the ultimate control over my life, okay? Is that what you want to hear? Does it make you feel like a big man to get me to admit that? Does it?”
“It’s dangerous,” he says solemnly. “You’re an intelligent woman. I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”
I gasp back another sob. “I trust you.”
“I know you do. This is no longer about trust, Skye.”
“Then what is it about?”
“What if something went wrong? What if you…”
“I said I trust you,” I say, willing myself to gain control over my body and my emotions. “But if it’s so dangerous, why do you let other people at your club do it?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it matters!”
He pauses a moment, rubbing his chin. “I’m insured. The club is insured. People go there to live out their ultimate fantasies, and I give them the latitude to do that.”
“Well, then?” I meet his gaze, his blue eyes not fiery but still adamant.
“It doesn’t mean I share all their fantasies. And breath control of any kind is my hard limit.”
I whip my hands to my hips. “Even if I want it?”
“Especially if you want it, Skye. I will not put you in danger. What if you had a fetish of being thrown in front of a moving vehicle. Do you want me to indulge that?”
I resist rolling my eyes. It won’t go over well. “It’s different, and you know it.”
“Is it?”
“Of course it is. I don’t want to harm myself.”
“What do you want, then?”
“To—”
I stop abruptly, my mouth hanging open.
I drop my gaze to Braden’s bed, and I smooth out a wrinkle on his navy comforter.
He’s going to push me. He’s going to insist that I answer. And the truth is…
I don’t know the answer.
I mean, I know the answer that’s the frosting on the cake. I want to lose control. I want to lose myself, especially now when I’ve already lost so much of my life. My job. My best friend. The contract with New England Adventures.
And now…Braden.
But that’s a surface answer, and Braden knows it.
He wants the real answer. The deep answer. Not just the cake beneath the frosting but the filling, too.
And honestly?
I’m not sure I’m ready to face the real answer.
Chapter Two
“I want to…find myself?”