Although, she had to admit to herself, she missed George terribly too.
THE REAL DEAL
‘The thing is,’ said Nelson, lying in bed with one hand behind his head and the other stretched across his chest. ‘I’m not entirely sure that I am gay.’
‘Oh, you are,’ said Shane, propping up the pillows behind him as he sat up to light a post-coital cigarette. ‘You most definitely are.’
‘But how can you be sure? How can any of us be sure?’
‘Well, the fact that we had sex three times last night and twice already this morning is a bit of a giveaway,’ he replied. ‘Not to mention that you really, really, really seemed to enjoy it.’
‘Yes, I admit there’s a certain logic to that,’ said Nelson, waving away the cigarette smoke, which, so far, was the only thing that he didn’t like about Shane. Other than that, he found him to be like Mary Poppins: practically perfect in every way.
‘I have this theory,’ continued Shane. ‘If you like vagina-type things’ – and here he gave a theatrical shudder – ‘then you’re probably straight. And if you like cock, then the chances are you’re gay.’
‘I suppose. My brother, Achilles, has been telling me for years that I’m into guys, and I’ve always denied it.’
‘He sounds like a smart puppy.’
‘I don’t know how he knew it if I didn’t.’
‘Perhaps he’s just very intuitive?’
‘Achilles?’ Nelson laughed. ‘Oh no. Achilles is a complete idiot. He’s fun to be around, but he’s a total moron. Don’t get me wrong. We love him. We just don’t take him seriously, that’s all.’
‘And yet …’
‘And yet,’ admitted Nelson. ‘Perhaps I need to give him more credit.’
‘You’ve never had sex with a woman, then?’ asked Shane, turning his head to blow the cigarette smoke away from Nelson’s face.
‘God, no,’ he replied, shivering slightly. ‘Although I once had drinks with my mother’s late ghost and—’
‘Her what?’
‘Her ghost-writer.’
‘Oh.’
‘And I thought that perhaps we might be about to start dating each other. I got the impression that she liked me. She said as much, in fact. She said I wasn’t the most boring man she’d ever met, and I was touched by that, although I didn’t want to lead her on if I wasn’t absolutely sure that she was right for me. Mother always told me be careful who I loved. Not to go around breaking young girls’ hearts.’
‘That’s “Billie Jean”.’
‘What is?’
‘Those song lyrics.’
‘Really? Mother has been saying that to me since I turned thirteen. I thought it was something that she came up with.’
‘No, Michael Jackson came up with it. And you know things are bad when you’re taking romantic advice from Michael Jackson.’
‘True. But she says that women can be very calculating when it comes to finding a rich husband.’
‘If they’re living in a Regency novel, perhaps,’ admitted Shane. ‘But in today’s world, I’m not so sure. So did you arrange to meet this ghost for another drink? What was her name anyway?’
‘The ghost’s? I don’t know. I don’t think I ever asked.’
‘You do know my name, don’t you?’
‘Of course I do. It’s Shane.’
‘That’s a relief.’
‘We said we’d see each other when she returned from her safari. But the lion put an end to those plans. I wasn’t particularly looking forward to it anyway, I must admit, so it all worked out for the best, I suppose.’
They lay there in silence for a few minutes, until Shane put his cigarette out in the ashtray on his bedside table and turned to look at Nelson with a cheeky smile on his face.
‘I have,’ he said.
‘You have what?’
‘Had sex with a woman.’
Nelson’s eyes opened wide in a mixture of fascination and horror. ‘Have you really?’ he asked. ‘Why?’
‘I thought it might be a bit like sprouts,’ he said. ‘My mother always said that sprouts were good for me, but I couldn’t stand the taste of them. They made me gag. But she insisted that I eat them. And, in the end, they sort of grew on me.’
Nelson lay back down and looked up at the ceiling. It was a very different ceiling to the one he looked up at in his own bedroom, which was perfectly white. Shane’s, on the other hand, was a little cracked and had some damp spots across it. And his flat wasn’t the last word in luxury either, although he owned a lot of books and had a framed poster of The Talented Mr Ripley on the living-room wall, which, by coincidence, both had said was their favourite film. Still, Nelson felt that he could spend the rest of his life lying in that bed, staring up at that murky white ceiling, with Shane lying next to him, and be perfectly content.
‘I have a very strange family,’ he said finally. ‘I should probably tell you that before this goes any further. I don’t know if it’s fair to inflict them on you.’
‘Well, obviously, I know who they are. Your parents, I mean.’
‘And we seem to be in the middle of some very turbulent times.’
‘I’ve been reading about it. Is your father having some sort of nervous breakdown, do you think?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Nelson. ‘I hope not. Perhaps I should introduce him to my therapist. He’s actually nothing like what the papers make him out to be, you know. He’s been a real leftie all his life. A total liberal. He once said that he was a little disappointed that none of his children had turned out to be gay.’
‘Well, now you know what to give him for Christmas.’
Nelson smiled.
‘When I went to that speed-dating session,’ he said, ‘I really was intent on meeting a woman.’
‘I don’t doubt it. But you got lucky.’
‘I did.’
‘How quickly did you realize you liked me?’
Nelson thought about it. ‘The moment we started talking,’ he said. ‘And when you asked me whether I wanted to go to the pub afterwards, I felt really excited and wasn’t sure why. I was hoping you wouldn’t ask anyone else to join us.’
‘I had no intention of asking anyone else.’
‘Could you guess?’
Shane moved his head back and forth, scrunching up his eyes as he did so. ‘I had my suspicions,’ he said. ‘But I noticed you from the moment you walked into the room. There was just something about you. That air of sexy authority, perhaps. I was hoping we’d end up opposite each other at some point. What do you think the other policemen will think of it?’
‘What other policemen?’
‘At your station. I’m probably living in the past, but I imagine them being very macho and unaccepting.’
‘Ah,’ said Nelson, biting his lip and feeling a surge of anxiety coursing through his body. He’d forgotten the policeman’s uniform that was strewn on the bedroom floor. ‘Here’s the thing,’ he said. ‘I’m not actually a policeman.’