‘Good heavens, George,’ said the Director-General, rearing back in his wheelchair. ‘What on earth—’
‘I’m sorry, but there is nothing – nothing – that squeezes my lemons more than people saying that. It is the ultimate way of diminishing the experience of black people and the manner in which they’ve been treated over the years. The Black Lives Matter movement is not suggesting for a moment that their lives are of more intrinsic value than anyone else’s. It is pointing out that, historically, black lives have not mattered to so many people around the world.’
‘All right, George,’ said Lord Husbery. ‘Sit down. You’ve made your point.’
‘I don’t think I have,’ replied George, reclaiming his seat but incandescent with rage. ‘Saying “All Lives Matter” is like going to a cancer benefit and storming the stage to declare that Alzheimer’s Matters. No one is suggesting otherwise! It’s intentionally taking away from the fact that black people have suffered extraordinary hardship throughout history, from slavery in the States to the Stolen Generation in Australia to the Windrush scandal here in England. Black Lives Matter is saying to people “Stop killing us for no reason”; All Lives Matter is pretending that this doesn’t happen. It’s a nefarious attempt to stall any conversation about systemic racism. Remember, no one ever used that phrase until the BLM campaign came along, so it was invented and is being employed purely as a direct contradiction of these three simple words. And it’s thrown out by pasty-faced, posh-boy, D-list actors of minimal talent who’ve grown up in such a cocoon of privilege that they think, if they haven’t experienced prejudice themselves, then it doesn’t exist. Trust me. I know. I’ve had far too many of them on the show over the years and, in the future, I’d rather not give airtime to people who, quite frankly, are too stupid to recognize their own biases and their lack of intellectual resources.’
There was silence in the room for a few moments as George calmed down.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said finally, nodding his head firmly, feeling a great sense of relief at having got that out. ‘But I’m not just here for the comic relief, you know. I’ve lived my life with a very clear set of beliefs, entirely untroubled by bigotry, so to be accused of it by people who do not know me at all is simply too much. Now. Let me ask.’ He took a deep breath and looked at Ben, the youngest person in the room. ‘My daughter tells me that the phrase in current usage is person of colour. Is she correct in this?’
‘Yes,’ said Ben.
‘Fine,’ he replied. ‘Then, naturally, I am happy to employ that term and will do so from now on.’
‘What I don’t understand,’ said Lord Husbery, scratching his chin, ‘is what’s the difference. Why is it politically correct to use the phrase person of colour, but a racist insult to use the phrase coloured person? Surely they’re the same words, just turned around?’
‘It’s completely different,’ said Margaret.
‘But how?’
‘We should ask @TruthIsASword,’ said Ben.
‘What’s that?’ asked Lord Husbery.
‘A Twitter account that’s gone viral,’ he explained. ‘Whoever runs it is calling out any public figure who says the wrong thing. Naming, shaming and cancelling. He, she, it or they have built an enormous following over the last few days.’
‘Sounds like a wonderful use of that person’s time,’ replied George, rolling his eyes. ‘I feel sorry for the parents who put that particular moron through school and university. They may as well have pissed their money up against a wall.’
‘Still,’ said Lord Husbery, leaning forward. ‘Can no one answer my question?’
An eerie quiet descended on the room and George looked from person to person, waiting to see whether any of them might be able to explain.
‘The reason is this,’ he declared finally in an authoritative voice, and all eyes turned to him nervously. ‘The main difference between coloured people and people of colour has to do with context and ownership. Coloured originates in the American South, starting with signs on buses, in restaurants and toilets, but always in the context of exclusion and racism. No Coloreds Allowed, for example. In the seventies, the term people of colour was reclaimed in the US, but it took many years for it to find widespread usage in Europe. One of the reasons people of colour came to be used was that it encompassed all non-white people. For example, Latinos in the US are not considered white, but are they black? They often suffer the same racism and exclusion, but to call them black is not accurate. Although, that said, people of colour has its own problems and is not universally welcomed. It assumes, of course, that white is the default and that any other skin tone diverges from the norm. It homogenizes the non-white experience, which is anything but homogeneous.’
A long silence ensued and the prisoners at the dock stared at George in total bewilderment.
‘Now,’ he said. ‘To move on to the charges of anti-Semitism. They’re even more ridiculous. As it happens, I’ve always been a great supporter of the Jews. After all, Woody Allen is my favourite film-maker and remains a dear friend. Followed closely by Roman Polanski.’
‘Oh Lord,’ said Ben, bowing his head, as if in prayer. ‘It’s like we take one step forward, then two steps back.’
‘Look,’ said Lord Husbery, raising his hands in the air to indicate that he’d heard enough. ‘If you ask me, the whole thing is a storm in a D-cup, as the actress said to the bishop. It’ll blow over in a week or so, as the bishop said in reply. Some other idiot will say something that people pretend to be outraged by and George here will resume his place as a popular figure—’
‘A national treasure.’
‘A popular figure in the broadcasting schedules. But I’m sure you all understand that heads will have to roll. The BBC simply cannot be seen to condone this sort of thing and so, regretfully, I have no choice but to terminate both of your contracts with immediate effect.’
The three people seated opposite him looked at each other nervously.
‘Both?’ asked Ben. ‘Which two do you mean?’
‘You pair,’ replied Lord Husbery, nodding towards Ben and Margaret. ‘We can’t get rid of the talent, so George stays, but you’re both eminently replaceable. I’d be enormously grateful if you could both hand in your passes to the security guard who’s waiting outside my office, and he will escort you from the building. Your personal effects will be sent on in due course.’
‘What?’ cried Ben.
‘Me?’ roared Margaret. ‘I get the boot while this cantankerous old dinosaur gets to keep his job?’
‘Oh, that’s very unfair,’ said George, turning to look at her with a disappointed expression on his face. ‘My feelings are wounded by such ageist remarks. Be better, Margaret. Do better.’
‘Oh, fuck off, you stupid old twat,’ she snapped.
‘There is nothing more offensive to my ears than the sound of a woman swearing,’ said Lord Husbery, shaking his head and looking aggrieved.
‘It’s the thin end of the wedge,’ agreed George.