“I’m pretty smart—as you already know.”
“It’s not complicated in that regard. I just…I’m still not sure what to do about this.”
“What’s this?”
“Us.”
My hand grabbed his face and forced him to look at me again. “There’s nothing to do. We’re already us. We will always be us.” I didn’t even realize I was capable of saying those things until I’d found the man that I wanted. Now I wasn’t going to let him go, not without a fight. “I know you’ve been married, but I’ve never felt this way before—”
“Neither have I.”
“Then why won’t you just tell me?”
He kept his gaze blank, his jaw tightening slightly.
“Atlas?”
He pulled his hand away, his body going cold.
“This…this is the reason you got divorced, isn’t it?”
He didn’t say a word, but that was a loud answer.
I sat there, unsure what to say. It was like a punch to the gut.
“Yes.”
The answer was worse than the assumption because if he was willing to lose his wife over this issue, why would I be any different?
“I want to ask you something. And be honest.” He scooted to the edge of the couch, his forearms moving to his knees.
My heart started to pound—like a goddamn drum.
“Can you picture your life without children?”
I moved to the edge of the couch so I could look at the side of his face.
“Would I be enough for you?” His voice was deep and emotionless, like a chasm far underground, an echo of nothingness.
“Atlas—”
“Answer the question.”
“No, I can’t picture a life without children.” My parents had three kids, Derek had three kids, and I wanted to have three kids too. I’d have to take time off work because I didn’t want someone else raising my kids, but that was a sacrifice I was willing to make.
He had no reaction. “Then that settles it.”
“It settles nothing.” My voice broke through the dam of my teeth, coming out like a blow of a horn. “Why aren’t you at least willing to consider it?”
He started to massage his knuckles.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
He rose to his feet, rubbing the back of his neck as he walked away.
“Atlas.”
“I think you should go.”
How did this go to shit so quickly? We were just happy minutes ago, and now he was ready to throw me out again. I got to my feet and stared him down, squaring my shoulders like we were about to fight. “I’m not going anywhere. Not until you tell me whatever it is you’re hiding. Because I fucking love you, and I’m not going to stop loving you when I walk out the door. You’re the man I’m supposed to be with—”
“Supposed to be with?” He turned to me, his eyes narrowed. “Trust me, I’m not. Because you deserve to be with a man who can give you children, who can take care of you when you’re pregnant, who can be your partner through the whole process.”
It dawned on me.
Hard and heavy.
“It’s not that you don’t want children…you can’t have them.”
He looked away again, ashamed.
My hand immediately went to his arm.
He pushed it off and stepped away. “I want you to leave.”
“Then you’re going to have to throw me over your shoulder and carry me out of here because my ass isn’t going anywhere.”
“Fine.” He marched to the coatrack and grabbed a sweater before he pulled it over his head. “Then I’ll leave.”
I went to the door and blocked it with my body.
It was the first time he’d shown me rage. Pure rage.
“Talk to me.”
His nostrils flared like those of a charging bull.
“I’m not moving, so make your move or talk to me.”
He stared at the floor for a moment before he threw his keys down, ripping off his sweater and tossing it aside. He stepped away, pacing in his living room.
I didn’t drop my guard and stayed by the door.
“We tried to conceive for about a year. Miscarriage after miscarriage. She was distraught, thinking it was her, that she was the one who was broken. Watching her go through that…still haunts me.” He faced the other way, as if he couldn’t meet my look as he said this. “So, we went to the doctor…and realized it was me.”
My back left the door and came closer.
“Something wrong with my chromosomes. Something to do with the blood disorder I have. She was devastated but told me it was okay, that we would adopt. But when we started the process, she changed her mind. She left me.” He slowly turned back to me, his eyes devoid of emotion, like he was half asleep. “She has two girls now.”
My eyes watered, the raw pain cutting me deep, like I’d just gone through it myself. “Doctors are wrong about this stuff all the time—”
“He was not wrong. Every second opinion we got was the same.”
The tears started to bubble over my eyelids no matter how hard I tried to fight them. “There’s a solution to every problem—”
“I will only give you miscarriages. And trust me when I tell you it’s the worst pain you’ll ever go through.”
“There are other options, sperm donor, adoption—”
“You shouldn’t have to settle for that. I’ve seen you surrounded by your family, seen the way you are with them, seen the kinds of bonds that I’ve never had with anyone else in my life. I can’t give you that.”
“My family would love adopted children just as much—”
“You say that now, but it’s not what you want. No one wants that unless they have no other option. You do have another option, Daisy.”
“Then we’ll do a sperm donor—”
“Why would I want to have a child from another man when I can adopt someone who needs a home?”
“Then we’ll adopt—”
“You need to pass on your DNA, Daisy. Your gifts need to continue in the gene pool. Look at everything your family has contributed to society because you’re so high on the IQ scale that you’re capable of doing what other people can’t. It’s your obligation. Don’t change your entire life for a man who can’t give you what someone else can.” He stepped farther away, moving to the other side of the living room to sit on the couch. “I love you so much…and that’s why I can’t do this to you.”
“It’s my choice—”
“No. If I’d told you this from the beginning, you wouldn’t have given me the time of day.”
“That’s not true—”
“Yes, it is.”
I stepped closer to him. “Atlas, I’m not her. I’m not going to abandon you—”
“She loved me as much as you do—and she still left. You aren’t trying to have a child right now, but when you do, you’ll resent me. You’ll see your pregnant friends and hate that you can’t have that yourself. You’ll see family photos on mantels and view them much differently. There will be a void in your life that no amount of love can fill.”