“Then it’s not weird.”
We stepped through the elevator doors into the living room of my penthouse.
In his scrubs, he walked inside and took a look around. “You have a nice place.”
“Thanks.” I went to the kitchen and poured two glasses of scotch, since I knew what he liked, and carried it to the dining table. I took a seat.
He took a seat across from me and took a drink.
I was so fucking tired right now. We’d finished our day at the hospital because our patients needed us, but that meant I’d worked for about fifteen hours straight. My fingers rested on the surface of my glass, and I stared at it for a while, unsure where to start. I’d never been in this situation before, but I was certain no one had ever been in this situation ever before. I was about to talk to the father of my girlfriend…about my girlfriend.
He didn’t drink from his glass. He chose to stare at me instead.
“I really love her, but—”
“There is no but. If you love her, then you work out whatever that but is. If there’s love between two people, then all those disagreements, all those problems, they just don’t matter. My wife and I don’t have much in common. I’ve met women more compatible for me, but I’ve never turned my head because our love is bigger than compatibility.”
“It’s…it’s not that.”
“Alright.”
“The reason why my first marriage ended was because…we tried to have children. After several trips to fertility experts across the country, we realized we couldn’t have children—because of me.” I looked down at my glass, ashamed. “She said she was fine with it, but…she wasn’t. Then she left me.”
Dr. Hamilton was absolutely still, showing no emotion, his mind working to process what I’d just shared.
“Daisy wasn’t on my radar at all because we didn’t get along at first, but also because she’s my boss’s daughter. But then things happened really fast, and a week felt like a lifetime. It felt right—straight from the beginning. It’s only been a few months, but it feels like she’s always been there. I can’t really explain it—”
“You don’t need to. Because I understand perfectly.”
“So…I didn’t tell her. And then I met her family, and without asking about her plans for the future, I knew exactly what she wanted. So, I continued not to tell her…because I didn’t want to lose her.” I looked up to see his face.
His look changed, his eyes dropping to the table, his body still. “I’m really sorry to hear that, Atlas. I can’t even imagine everything you’ve been through.”
Yes…I gave lone wolf a whole new meaning. There wasn’t a single person I was related to on the planet, and I would never be related to anyone ever again.
“This conversation will be hard, but you need to tell her.”
“I did.”
He lifted his eyes, his look pensive.
“She told me we could adopt…sperm donor…all of that. But…” I shook my head. “That all happened in the moment, and she may not care about those things right now, but if she really thinks about her future, she might care. I asked her to take some time for herself to really think about the situation.”
Dr. Hamilton inhaled a deep breath then let it out slowly. “I wish I knew what to say right now.”
“It’s okay. It’s a lot. I understand.”
He bowed his head, quiet. “May I ask exactly what the doctor said about your condition?”
“Because of my blood disorder, every embryo I contribute to has one defective chromosome, so the pregnancies constantly result in miscarriages. After my ex and I had three, we knew something was wrong.”
“You know, doctors are wrong about this all the time—”
“No.”
He looked up, his eyes narrowing on my face.
I started to get choked up because that process had been torture. “I can’t go through that again. I can’t do those tests and keep getting terrible news. It’s like being a punching bag. I went to different doctors, I tried different things…I did everything I could. I’m not going through that again. And I won’t put my partner through that either because it’s just as traumatizing for her as it is for me.” I dropped my gaze and controlled my breathing, refusing to break down in front of him.
He was quiet for a long time. “I understand. It’s not the same, but when my wife had cancer, every test was torture. Even when I knew her condition, every time it was said to me, it was exactly like that…being a punching bag.”
“I can’t have children. End of story. I don’t want to lose Daisy because I never thought I’d feel this way about someone, but my feelings are selfish. She deserves to go through all those life stages, having children, making her family…”
“Those life stages don’t mean anything if you aren’t with the person you want to be with.”
My eyes locked on to his again.
“I don’t know how she’ll feel about it. I’m glad she’s seriously considering it because you’re right, she needs to know if that’s a life she’ll want. Especially for women, it’s a really big deal. You need to be with someone who completely accepts who you are, and if that’s not her, it’ll be someone else.”
“But I want it to be her.” I blurted it out without even thinking—to her father, of all people.
He didn’t have a reaction.
“Does this…change the way you feel about me?”
“In what regard?”
“I mean, do you still approve of me for your daughter?” Maybe I shouldn’t even ask. He was brilliant and made brilliant people because of it. If his daughter didn’t reproduce, his legacy wouldn’t pass on. Reproduction was the single most important action in human biology, and as a scientist, he knew that.
He took a long time to answer the question, his eyes shifting away. “My daughter is a grown woman who doesn’t need my approval. She should love who she wants to love, without my opinion or interference. I’ve learned this the hard way. But I will say this… Derek is from a different marriage, a different mother. My wife is not related to him biologically, but she loved him like her own, loved him better than his own mother ever did. And then Derek became a father to Lizzie, whom he doesn’t see as his stepdaughter. None of us do. My point is, you can grow your family in other ways, and family is more than just blood.”
I didn’t realize how much I cared about his personal opinion until he didn’t give it. The disappointment must have shown on my face because he stared at me for a while before he addressed it.
“No, Atlas. Doesn’t change anything at all.”
4
Daisy
I didn’t go out with my friends.
Just stayed home and worked.
Didn’t realize I was depressed until I looked at myself in the mirror and saw death in my eyes.
I sat at the dining table with my paperwork around me, a half-empty pizza box there too. Like most people going through a hard time, I threw myself into work.