“I understand. Believe me.”
She gathers the courage to look up at me, keeping her chin resting on her knees. “Sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m just…I didn’t want to make a big fuss about it.”
I reach out to stroke her cheek, and she leans into my touch like a cat hungry for affection.
“I should have asked.”
“I should have said something.”
“I’m sorry.”
Her face falls. “Don’t apologize,” she says gently. “I don’t want you assuming you know how I feel. Everyone says the first time has to be this special thing with rose petals and candles, but maybe this is exactly what I wanted. Maybe this is better than all of that.”
This is Raelynn wearing her heart on her sleeve. She sits in the back seat of my SUV naked with her blonde hair spilling down around her shoulders. Her blue eyes stare up at me, heavy and sad, and all I want to do is make her smile, make her feel as good as she felt a second ago.
Maybe we should pause here for the night and pick this up another time, but she’s been so honest, so forthright with everything she wants, and my desire for her wins out. The need to lean over and kiss Raelynn wins, to accept her words at face value and give her what she’s asking for. She’s right, after all. I lost my virginity at fifteen on a couch while crappy daytime TV played in the background. It was awkward and clumsy and nothing like this. Miles away from how it feels to gently press Raelynn back down onto the back seat and kiss her slowly, to let my weight drop down onto her and feel our bodies press together again. I yank my shirt over my head, and it’s so sexy to feel her smooth skin on mine. Her breasts brush my chest and she arches up, chasing more of the sensation.
I reach between our legs and reposition myself just right, then start to slide into her, telling her to warn me if it’s too much, too fast. She wraps her arms tightly around my neck and rocks against me, showing me how good it feels, how much she wants me to continue. I worry this is still wrong. I worry I’m taking something from her, but she relaxes her thighs and I settle deeper inside her, hold still, and look down at her until she nods. I start to pull out and press in, creating a slow, steady rhythm until I know she’s worked up and ready for more.
There’s no fuss. No rose petals. No pre-planned playlist. It’s us in the back of that car with sweaty limbs and greedy mouths and a perfect fit. It’s Raelynn coming undone with a silent cry. Me kissing her cheek, tasting salty tears, wanting more from her even while we’re still here, in the thick of it. I try to make it last forever. I stave off stave off stave off, rock my hips, piston into her, listen to her sounds of pleasure until I lose the battle of wills and start to come, feeling her milk me dry, and then we heave a collective sigh as we collapse on the back seat. Changed.
Chapter Sixteen
Raelynn
It’s a slow morning at Dale’s. Cook is in the back watching a taped football game, and I’m reading through a packet of Planetary and Space Science journal articles Professor Olmsted mailed to Sheriff Corbin’s house this week. I’m more than a little distracted though. Every time I try to refocus my attention on the article about functional analogues in planetary exploration, I fail and drift right back to thoughts of Ben.
My mind has really done its best to try to morph last night into something big. I have to keep reminding myself that it didn’t change anything between us. I’m still in the same boat as before, and so is Ben. We just…had sex.
God.
Memories flash through my mind unbidden: his face settled between my parted legs, his body on top of mine, that sharp sting of pain, exquisite fullness, his gentle kisses on my cheeks.
My face flushes all over again and I turn away from the few customers we have so they won’t notice. It’s silly, really. No one is in my head. No one knows what I did last night with Ben. Ben, the man who might seem normal when he’s around me, but who is, in fact, a freaking Olympic athlete, NBA superstar, celebrity, and gazillionaire.
We lay there for a while afterward, in the back seat, catching our breaths, kissing and cuddling like two teenagers trying to delay their curfew. He held my hand as he drove me to my car, then he followed me home and walked me to the door of my trailer. We kissed more and it turned into something hot again. His body pressed me flush to the metal and I thought he’d come inside and we’d start everything all over again, but then he broke the kiss with a resigned laugh, stepped back, and smiled.
I told him good night with a devious smile of my own, and that was that. His tall frame disappeared back into the SUV before he drove off. I didn’t even have the good sense to feel bereft as I walked inside, showered off Leanna’s makeup, and slipped into my old comfy pajamas.
Only when I woke up this morning did I realize Ben and I still don’t have each other’s cell phone numbers. I forgot to ask for his last night, and now I’ve decided I want to keep it this way. This forced distance is a good reminder for me that in twelve days, he’s gone.
Last night changed a lot of things, but it didn’t change that.
The bell over the door dings and I turn around, hopeful, only to find Doyle and Mable walking in.
“Morning, you two. Have a seat. I’ll bring over your coffee.”
My cleaning job for the afternoon gets canceled, and though I’m disappointed to lose out on the money, I use the extra time to visit Nan. She’s awake when I walk into her room at the care home, watching Jeopardy on the TV across from her bed.
She doesn’t look at me when I first walk in, her focus on the TV, though I get the sense she’s not really watching it. Her eyes are glassy and red-rimmed as I step farther inside and announce myself.
“Nan? Can I come in?”
Her gaze shifts to me, and she lifts her hand but doesn’t respond. I force myself to step inside, take a seat beside her bed, and talk as if the Nan I know is still listening. I take her outstretched hand in mine and squeeze.
“I brought you some lunch from the diner. Cook packed up some of your favorite chicken and dumpling soup.”
I unpack the food and set everything out on her bedside tray. I feed her small bites and fill her in on the last few days, showing her a picture on my phone that Leanna forced me to take last night when I was all dolled up. She makes quiet noises, almost sounds of acknowledgment, but nothing else. I retrieve my journal articles from my bag and get back to reading through most of the afternoon. Ben still plagues my thoughts though, and on a whim, I decide to tell Nan about him.
“I have a new friend,” I venture since my secret is well and truly safe with her. “His name is Ben, and he’s really…he…”
I realize it’s not so easy to describe him.
“He’s not overly nice or anything, but I think he’s a good man with a good heart.” I chew my bottom lip, thinking it over. “He’s quiet and reserved at times. It seems like there’s so much more going on behind the scenes, things he hasn’t shared with me. I told him he seems lonely and it’s true, but when he looks at me…” I shake my head. “I guess I just know how he feels, and I think he can recognize that. Maybe he and I are kindred spirits.”
Her gaze meets mine, and I swear I see my real Nan buried deep down in her blue eyes. The moment is fleeting though; she’s already looking away, back to the TV.