He needed a shave.
Or, well, maybe he didn’t. The stubble was a good look on him. It made him look more mature, accentuated the squareness of his jaw. I resisted the urge to reach out and run my fingers over it.
Maybe I should’ve let Noah talk first, but with the silence stretching on between us, I couldn’t stand it any longer. And besides, I had something to say, too.
“I wanted to say, you were right about Levi. All of you. You all tried to say something, and I didn’t want to hear it. Not that that makes up for how you acted on race day or for going behind my back to talk to him about it, but…”
“Yeah,” Noah sighed. “I probably could’ve handled things a little differently.”
I shrugged. Maybe we both could’ve.
“What changed your mind?” he asked.
“He told me he liked me. And, um…he sort of, kind of…kissed me. A little. Like, a peck. Sort of…sort of more like a goodbye than anything else,” I tried to explain, only realizing once I said it aloud that that had been exactly what it had felt like.
If I expected Noah to get angry about it, I was surprised. He just nodded.
I studied him for a few seconds. There was no tension in any of his muscles. No tautness in his expression, nothing but an odd sense of calm about him that I really, really was not used to—especially after telling him that a guy who was not him had kissed me.
His calm demeanor only unnerved me. The feeling in my stomach worsened; my heart thudded hard in my chest.
“You’re not gonna say anything? Not even ‘I told you so’?”
Noah let out a soft, quiet sigh, still not looking at me. “Yesterday it would’ve been so easy to send that scrawny little shit sprawling on his ass. It’s what I would’ve done before. But I didn’t. Because I’m trying real hard not to be that guy anymore. Because even if he did deserve it, even a little, even if he did start it, he’s your friend. But, thing is, Elle, you’re a big part of why I’m trying not to be that guy anymore.”
“Okay,” I said gently, not sure where this was going—or why that sounded like it wasn’t such a great thing.
“And I’m just not sure that’s—” He broke off with another sigh, twisting now to look at me, a frown tugging between his eyebrows. “I shouldn’t have to rely on you for me to be the guy I want to be for you.”
It took a second to try to puzzle that one out in my head.
Noah went on. “I should just want to be that guy. Not because I think you deserve better. Not because he’s your friend or I don’t want to disappoint you or whatever. I should want that for me. And I…I do, but…you shouldn’t be the reason why.”
I kept staring at Noah. This time he gave me a few more seconds to take that in.
“Okay,” I repeated, still unsure. “So…what does that mean?”
He held my gaze for a second, and there was something so sad in his lovely bright blue eyes that it hurt to look at them. Then Noah turned his head back out toward the view, his hand absently pulling at blades of grass.
“You always wanted to go to Berkeley. You and Lee. Always. As soon as you guys were old enough to know what college was, that was where you’d say you’d both be going one day. You had your heart set on it.”
Noah paused for a second, and I watched him bite his lip, frowning deeper before speaking again.
“So why did you pick Harvard, Elle?”
Thrown by the question, it was all I could do to give him a straight answer. “We talked about this, remember? I guess I applied on a whim. You said something about how nice it would be to be in Boston together and—”
“You’re going to spend four years at a school you applied to on a whim. A school you only applied to because of me. I don’t want…I can’t be responsible for you making a choice you might regret. Things already didn’t work out between us once, and this summer…I know it’s been hard. Not bad,” he added hastily, looking back at me. “It’s been great, obviously, but you said yourself, sometimes it’s hard to love me. What if things don’t work out, Elle? Just say. And then you’ve moved to the other side of the country, given up on your dream of Berkeley, and for what?”
Now it was my turn to look away and be quiet for a minute.
“We sat here when you decided to accept your offer from Harvard. Do you remember? And you said you couldn’t give it up. It was Harvard. You don’t think that’s the same for me?”
“Then I want you to be sure you’re choosing it because it’s Harvard, not because of me. You only applied because of me. Besides, I’ve seen how much this has driven a wedge between you and Lee, how hard you guys have been trying this summer to keep it together. You’re always going to put each other first, and I don’t blame you for that. I think it’s kind of amazing, actually. I don’t want to see you jeopardize that for…”
“For us?”
Noah slouched back. “Yeah.”
There was a strange taste on my tongue and my throat was thick. I frowned out at the view, trying to breathe deep enough to fill my lungs. “So you think I should’ve turned down Harvard to go to college with Lee?”
Noah sighed, so quietly I almost didn’t hear it. “You remember a couple of weeks ago, I said that sometimes you put everyone else first? You applied to Berkeley because of Lee, because our moms went there, because it’s close enough that you can help your dad with taking care of Brad. All summer you’ve been so focused on spending time with me, or Lee, or Brad, or working so you’ve got money for bucket-list stuff with Lee, and I feel like you pick everybody else over yourself sometimes, Elle, and you shouldn’t have to do that. And I guess…”
He trailed off, pulling up some grass in his fist, before finishing. “I guess I don’t want to be someone else you put ahead of yourself.”
And suddenly I heard everything he wasn’t saying.
“So that’s it? The fact that we love each other, that doesn’t matter? That doesn’t mean anything?”
“That’s not what I mean, Elle. That means everything. But maybe…maybe it just isn’t enough.”
Forget the apprehension that had been twisting my stomach into knots: Noah’s words were like a knife, driving right through me. I felt cold all over.
“No, you…you don’t get to just decide for me. I made my choice, and I’m going to Harvard. I’ve already turned down Berkeley and accepted my offer there instead. You don’t get to turn around now and tell me I’m not going. It’s not up to you.”